Greg Singleton is well known for his ability to get the best out of the person across from him. He is the founder of CSB Coaching, and he has transformed his experiences into a powerful coaching framework designed to help others empower themselves to live fulfilling lives.
Trust has evolved from being a deeply rooted human value to a transactional currency in today's fast-paced world. Once built on personal bonds and mutual understanding, trust now often hinges on measurable gains and quick exchanges. In this article, we explore how this shift affects relationships, both personal and professional, and what it means for the future of genuine connection.
The Cambridge Dictionary defines trust as:
To believe that someone is good and honest and will not harm you or that something is safe and reliable.
To hope and expect that something is true.
The belief that you can trust someone or something.
All these definitions share a commonality: they are predicated on a 50/50 outcome. Either someone is good and honest, or they are not; something is safe and reliable, or it is not; someone is trustworthy, or they are not. Have you ever predicted trusting someone based on how you perceive they should be? When we approach situations and interactions hoping they will meet our expectations, we cannot accept things as they are. We engage in every encounter with our own preconceived notions, willingly or unwillingly, about how we want things to turn out. Keep reading to discover how to remove transactional trust and implement true trust in your everyday life.
What is transactional trust?
Consider the people you trust and why you trust them. Is it because they won’t hurt you? Or perhaps because they fulfill your needs? Do they fill a gap in your life? Is the trust you have with them predicated on both parties holding up their end of the bargain? Do you believe they will act a certain way and not wrong you? If the answer to any of these questions (and many others) is yes, then your understanding of trust is transactional. This pattern of behavior can significantly impact your relationships and interactions with others.
Reflecting on the very first step of developing trust is akin to holding a mirror up to yourself and shaking hands with your reflection. We will not extend our idea of trust until the other side meets the requirements we’ve set. If they do, you decide that “trust” will be the outcome, and you can move forward until they act in ways that do not align with your expectations. Then, you withdraw your trust until they can once again support your view of how things should be.
Why has transactional trust become so widespread?
Transactional trust begins when someone needs to earn your trust; they must first meet certain criteria based on your expectations (again, a 50/50 outcome). To develop trust, we require the other party to act in ways we deem appropriate. In doing so, we create the illusion that trust is occurring. The reality of the trust we believe exists is merely the residue of the outcome we desire. Limiting this behavior can be difficult at first, but there is a path forward.
How do you limit the amount of transactional trust in your daily life
Fortunately, there are ways to redefine your concept of trust. Ask yourself these questions:
Is my trust based on the other side providing something in return?
Does the other side expect something from me?
If they do not meet my standards of trust, what is my response?
Would I still choose to do the right thing if the other side breaks my trust?
These four questions are pivotal in raising awareness of how you operate. We cannot change what we are unaware of. Taking the first step is a leap into a lighter life based on a better understanding of your own perceptions.
Is my trust based on the other side providing something in return?
This is where most people believe their trust is built. When the other person or people involved in a situation give you what you feel is the “right” response, you then move forward. They provided something you wanted or expected, and then you let down your guard and began to formulate the early stages of trust. It’s imperative to ask yourself this question before approaching the subject of trust, be honest with yourself, and become aware of your approach.
Does the other side expect something from me?
How you carry yourself will also determine if your version of trust gets built. If you begin to act in a certain way just to appease others, then you are only providing what you think they are looking for. When you choose this route to gain trust, you are not only setting yourself up for failure but also setting the other person up for failure as well. Practicing self-awareness is always your best option to avoid this crucial error.
If they do not meet my standards of trust, what is my response?
When you have preconceived notions of how others should be, you leave little room for the unknown. If they break the imaginary boundary you’ve set, your response is just as important as theirs. Expressing upfront what will work for you and what you are trying to accomplish will minimize the risk of broken trust. Even after setting boundaries, think about how you would react if they are breached.
Would I still choose to do the right thing if the other side breaks my trust?
This last question is the most important. It allows you to break free from the idea that transactional trust can be formed or broken. Are you willing to do what is needed in any given situation to ensure the best outcome? If you can act simply because it is the right thing to do, then transactional trust need not exist in your life. You remove the expectation that others must live up to your standards, and trust ceases to be transactional.
How to build your own version of trust?
When trust is rooted in the future or past, it’s difficult to see others for who they are in the present moment. We carry what happened in past interactions as a predetermined outcome to future events. That can be the case, sure, but we don’t leave space for change. One of the most important factors influencing trust is the amount of oxytocin present in your brain. As noted in Paul J. Zak’s work, your internal state of being plays a critical role in building trust with others.
When you are living a life driven by purpose with the combination of joy, oxytocin is released which can help signal to those around you that your trustworthiness is elevated. Trust gets built when you remove your ego and show up to do the best you can with what you know. Ask for help, be honest with what you can accomplish within the parameters that have been expressed, and view the bigger picture over the immediate sense of self-satisfaction.
Remove the fear of trusting others
The fear of being let down often holds us back from trusting others. We all experience it. When you are in a fearful state, your brain and body produce chemicals that create barriers to trust. Fight of Flight kicks in which can signal to others that we are less trustworthy.
Yet, you have already faced moments where trust was broken and built back up, proving you are strong enough to rebound from unfortunate circumstances. Believe in yourself that no matter the outcome, you will find the way, as you always have, to preserve. Your fear will hold you back – your resiliency will drive you forward.
Lead by example
Allow yourself the freedom to be who you are no matter the situation. When you show up as your authentic self while removing your ego from the situation, you allow others the same grace to let down their guard to show who they really are. Trust is not about others meeting your standards but about you being your true self.
This harkens back to the article written by Paul J. Zak. When we are fulfilled with what we are doing and have a purpose, we increase the levels of oxytocin in our bodies, which has a direct correlation to the amount that we are willing to trust another person/party. Feeling good about yourself, who you are as a person, and how confident you are in your own skin will all lead to building trust without having you or the other party live up to expectations or standards.
Being honest matters
In conclusion, being honest will be a foundational piece to building your version of trust. So many of us use the word Trust and yet we never take the time to define what it truly means to us. I urge you to read An Integrative Model Of Organizational Trust, where you will find a brilliantly defined idea of trust as integrity, benevolence, and ability within organizations. There are some wonderful cross threads that play into the human side of trusting another person.
How we show up (integrity) is pivotal to expressing kindness/well-being (benevolence) to the other person, knowing that we can only do the best with what we know (ability). When you build these three aspects on top of the foundation of honesty, lack of fear, and authenticity, trust begins to flow freely, knowing that the right things are being done for the circumstances you're faced with.
This is how I define and build trust with those I encounter. So, now that you have seen the world through my lens, I ask: What does trust really mean to you?
Change your perspective, change your life
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Read more from Greg Singleton
Greg Singleton, Perspective and Mindset Coach
Greg Singleton is a certified NAMI (National Alliance on Mental Illness) peer-to-peer leader, and his coaching guides people with the correct perspective and mindset to overcome imposter syndrome, build confidence, and embrace a healthier mindset. He has dedicated the last 10 years to helping others overcome their fear and embrace their inner confidence to become who they strive to be. He is the CEO of CSB Coaching. His mission: Celebrate others, don't Alienate others.
