Written by: Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It is not a secret that marriage can be difficult and challenging, it is normal that as spouses, you can step on each other’s toes. Sometimes individuals lose themselves along the way. As responsibilities get in the way of your life after marriage, it is normal to forget who you are, what you desire and what you stand for. Your routine may change completely creating another person that your spouse is meeting for the first time.
Remember that changing your habits, likes and dislikes is not actually a bad thing. It is actually unfair for you to expect yourself to be the same when everything else about you and around you has evolved. You will find that you are being too hard on yourself and on your spouse if you decide not to make any adjustments to suit the new you and the new person that your spouse is becoming every day.
You can live with changes by simply rediscovering yourself, your spouse and your marriage. Keep yourself updated of your environment and keep your marriage alive.
Rediscover yourself
Each and every individual is usually convinced that they know themselves inside out. However, the truth is that you may live your whole life without discovering who you truly are. You may know yourself from the perception of who you would wish to be but not who you actually are.
The question then would be, who are you and how do you know who you are? The simple answer to that is, you are your daily routine. You cannot be the person seen chewing gum every day and still claim that you hate chewing gum. It is therefore important to watch how you spend your days, because how you spend your days is how you spend your life and how you spend your life is how you mold your character and how you mold your character is who you truly become.
It is very important for you to keep rediscovering yourself for the sake of your marriage. Knowing who you are becoming everyday helps you to get rid of distractive habits that may come along the way. Remember that life and love is a cost benefit analysis. If the cost is too high and the benefit too low, we give up even the most enjoyable activities or habits. Giving up what you like for the sake of your marriage is not a weakness, rather, it is being wise. You constantly need to choose your battles in line with your mission and vision for your marriage.
There are however, things or habits that are not necessarily distractive but still do not sit well with you or your spouse. It’s important in that case to find the place where you can have your joy and your spouse can have his/hers. You do not necessarily need to give up on what you love if it feeds your soul. You can always negotiate on the time and space to make it happen without hurting each other.
Rediscover Your Spouse
Once upon a time you met a great person and decided to marry them. What made that great person great? What made them worthy of your commitment? Are they still worthy of your commitment? Or are you just hanging in there for the sake of the commitment you made?
The answers to the above questions will definitely vary from person to person and from time to time.
Depending on the present behavior that you and your spouse exhibit towards each other and towards your marriage, living with each may seem to be a blessing or a curse.
It is not always the case that your marriage is on the rocks because your spouse has changed into a bad person. Sometimes it’s simply because you have refused to move with the transformation that comes with daily developments in your spouse.
It is important to come to terms with the fact that people develop daily. What excites them will change, what gets them angry may change as well and what builds and motivates them may change too. Date nights may no longer be as exciting, football nights may now just be one of those things, taking a walking with you while holding hands may not be a great deal anymore.
All this does not necessarily make your spouse bad. It means they have grown and you need to grow with that growth. Deciding to remain in the past and dwell on past likes and dislikes is deciding to put a strain on your marital relationship forever.
Understand that the same way candy may no longer be your favorite, that’s if you once liked it that much, your spouse is not bound to like and dislike the same things as they did when you first met them. Allow your spouse to develop, it is this development that will actually keep your marriage alive. Discovering each other every day is exciting and can help you to keep creating that spark that your marriage requires.
Rediscover Your Marriage
Anyone who has been married or at least been in a long-term commitment will know that it takes certain skills to keep the marital ship afloat through choppy domestic waters. Just like any other tangible and meaningful institution, the marriage institution requires meaningful input if it is to work. Marriage in like an examination room of forgiveness and self-control. Just as you and your spouse keep developing as
individuals, your marriage will keep evolving.
What constitutes your home may change from time to time as well. Other than you and your spouse, children and dependants may come along the way. You and your spouse will have to adjust to responsibilities that will come in your marriage during your marriage’s life span. There will be a time to help others, a time to invest and a time to harvest and as such, your spending habits and finances will not always be the same. Your saving ways will be affected and so will harvest patterns.
Every season that comes in your marriage has a way of strengthening your marriage, provided you allow it to do so. Children will taste your parenting abilities, dependants will taste how good a person you can be. Investments will taste your patience and discipline and ultimately your true character.
Marriage encamps more than you and your spouse. Changes will come from within and without, your marriage will be tasted, your commitment will be tested, it is not the end, it is just one of those things along the way. Be in your marriage and learn in every moment, there is a price, a reward for being there. Grow with your marriage and the circumstances that surround it.
Be love smart, be marriage smart
Make your marriage even more meaningful by learning from the best, simply reach out, book a call, and let’s talk.
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Ethel Hagonka Daka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ethel Hagonka Daka is a marriage coach, Writer, and founder of Vinthel marriage solutions. Ethel is driven by her passion, mission and vision to see better marriages and fulfilled spouses.
She is dedicated to helping couples be drivers of their own marriages other than them being passengers.
Through coaching and writing, Ethel helps spouses and couples to master their marriages so as to experience fulfilment even as they journey in the art of love and commitment towards one another.
She is a stronger believer that marriage is beautiful, can be made better and enjoyable provided that spouses apply the necessary ingredients.
