Sharon Belshaw is the CEO of Clinical of Break the Silence, a charity working with people who have experienced sexual trauma. She also has a private practice working with not only people who have experienced trauma but a variety of issues. She works with adolescents and adults and is studying for her Doctorate in Psychological Trauma.
When someone confides in you about their experience of sexual abuse, your response can profoundly impact their healing journey. It’s crucial to offer support with empathy, active listening, and validation, helping them feel safe and understood.
Why is this needed?
Many people who have been sexually abused, either as a child or as an adult, have been told that no one will believe them. The perpetrators often use this as a tactic to not get caught and to perpetuate abuse continuing. As sexual abuse is so horrific and for some people, it can be hard to conceptualise the cruelty and wickedness involved, it is easier to not have an understanding of it. This means that when someone feels they want to share they have been sexually abused, there is a huge fear and often takes many years to break their silence.
Why the silence?
Many clients have disclosed and been told they are lying about this, especially if the perpetrator is known and liked by others. This grooming of the community and families allows the abuse to be started and as they may be trusted by others, people just cannot comprehend sex offenders and paedophiles are often very charming people.
Dr. Jessica Taylor’s excellent work on Victim Blaming highlights the importance of how society looks at the person who has been the victim and how they have somehow contributed to their own abuse. The shocking way to “blame” others contributes to shame and means more people will be silent. This weaves through different cultures, classes, and races. We can see examples of this in our media, our courts and in our communities. Things such as “she had a short skirt on” and “she was drunk and asking for it” to “she was always a flirty child” perpetuate the myth that the victim is to blame.
When someone discloses sexual abuse, how to respond?
Consider it a privilege that someone has decided to share with you, something they have possibly never told anyone else before. They might have sussed out that you are a warm and empathic person and they can trust your integrity.
You might be the person chosen as they would like you to do something or just to listen. This depends on your role. How you respond to a family and friend could be different to someone who is a colleague or a client. If it is family or friends, you may also have your own feelings of disbelief, especially as you could know the perpetrator. Please consider the impact of your own shock before you speak, this could impact your relationship. You may also have feelings of guilt as you didn’t see signs of abuse occurring. Please remember, we don’t know what we don’t know. There is no training manual for spotting signs of abuse and we are only now starting to discuss these more fully.
If it is a client who is attending therapy for example, you might also have to consider any child protection procedures and policies if your client discloses the perpetrator still has access to children or vulnerable adults or are in a position of power and authority.
Helping the relationship
Allow the person to talk at their pace, please bear in mind that this is huge and can be scary to share, so many years of fear of talking about it, the moment that has possibly built up in their mind is here. You also don’t need all the details such as times, dates or locations. With trauma, memories can be fragmented, let the person share what they need to in their own time. If the person chooses to share what happened to them to you, this could take many chats over a period of time.
A common fear that some people have when they disclose their sexual abuse to others is that people will see them or treat them differently. The most notable fears are that people will “pity” them or see them as a “victim” as well as not being believed. It can be helpful to remember that they are still the same person and whilst their trauma may have shaped parts of them and how they see the world, it doesn’t define who they are as a whole person.
Communicating and checking your understanding is useful and can often open up a dialogue that is honest and transparent and enrich the relationship between you both.
What else can you do?
If you would like some training on this, please see here as we can offer this for small groups. If you would like to arrange therapy if this article impacts you, please see here. in the UK, there is a national helpline The Survivors Trust run The Survivors Trust – Rape & Sexual Abuse Services UK
Read more from Sharon Belshaw
Sharon Belshaw, CEO-Clinical of Break the Silence
Sharon Belshaw CEO-Clinical of Break the Silence and Psychotherapist, works with people who have experienced trauma, loss and anxiety. She also supports staff who have experienced vicarious trauma through their work. She has written and published articles on autism and sexual abuse awareness for parents, supporting vulnerable women in maternity services and sexual abuse awareness.
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