Written by: Tanya Heasley, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Conflict is an imbalance between two forces. For instance, when two magnets are facing the wrong way, the conflicting forces will push apart and repel each other. On the other hand, similar materials with a magnetic force will attract and connect to each other when facing the right way.
In a relationship, the imbalance of conflict is a power struggle between two people wanting different things. In other words, facing away from each other.
Conflict will inevitably occur within a relationship. This is because we have different values and needs to each other.
Sometimes our needs and values align, and sometimes they do not.
When my values and needs do not align with my husband's, we each experience a conflict within our relationship. Our anger is triggered– and an argument is potential.
However, I am aware when I am angry, I know what I want, and I can communicate this to my husband in a clean way. I attribute this to being a positive anger expert with a 26-year marriage. Therefore, I know a thing or two about arguments and how to resolve conflict.
I have many strategies to help you resolve conflict, but I’d like to share just some basic tips below.
Become anger aware.
How do you know when you are angry? Considering that most of us will get angry at someone; whether that’s our partner, our children, our boss, or even ourselves, this powerful emotion is usually triggered by the actions, words, or the behavior of another, as well as a deep hurt, fear or traumatic event that happened to us in our past.
For example, if you have ever experienced road rage, it is more than likely displaced anger caused by something that angered you in the past that you hadn’t fully dealt with or resolved.
Consider thinking logically about past arguments; were you angry at that person, the situation, or was it actually something else?
What is it that angers you?
What outcome do you want?
When you have a disagreement with someone else, do you shout at them or sulk around for hours after? What actually are you trying to achieve when you shout or sulk? What is the outcome you are hoping for? Is it…
I need to be right
I want to learn and grow from them
I’m hoping to have an argument with them
I want to resolve and improve our relationship
The above are some of the most common outcomes most of us seek when we’re in conflict.
Be honest, what do you hope will happen when you have a disagreement with someone?
Communicate positively.
When couples communicate their anger positively, their relationship will grow positively too.
Take ownership of your feelings and make what you’re saying personal using ‘I’ messages, rather than blaming or attacking the other.
For example, your partner promised to take the bins out, but they didn’t, and now the bin men have already gone.
Responding with statements such as ‘You never listen to me’. ‘You always say you’ll do something and then you don’t,’ are YOU messages. This is a form of communication with the intention to attack the other person.
Instead, own what you are thinking or feeling and use I-messages, such as ‘I feel angry when you say you’ll do something and then don’t do it. This makes me feel ignored and unheard’.
To summarize
Conflict is when you push away from something that doesn’t align with your values and needs and trigger your primal anger. Therefore, become self-aware of your anger, know what you want, and use I messages to communicate your values and needs.
A strong and positive relationship is like magnets facing the right way, with equal power, pulled together and sticks.
Tanya Heasley, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine As a Positive Anger Coach and Success Mindset Mentor, Tanya Heasley guides her clients to activate their authentic self, cultivate assertive communication, and develop self-confidence so that they can flourish and thrive in all areas of their life. What makes her distinctive and different in this work is her ability to identify and liberate the hidden blockages within her client’s psyche. Her intuitive, empathetic, and direct approach empowers her clients to become the best version of themselves. An award-winning serial entrepreneur, Tanya is also the Director of Tristone Coaching Ltd., a social enterprise with the mission to improve the lives of young people affected by adult anger. Tanya believes that her most outstanding achievement is being a mum to her four children with many successes under her belt.
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