Written by: Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Can Resilience be taught?
Wikipedia defines psychological resilience as the ability to mentally or emotionally cope with a crisis or to return to pre-crisis status quickly.
The American Psychological Association (APA) psychologists define resilience as “the process of adapting well in the face of adversity, trauma, tragedy, threats, or significant sources of stress—such as family and relationship problems, serious health problems, or workplace and financial stressors.”
During the COVID-19 pandemic, we have heard incredible stories of people's resilience in facing tragic losses of loved ones, dealing with job losses through retrenchments, business closures or forced early retirement, reduced wages, and more. Our lives have been turned upside down, from toddlers to 100 year-olds, from pauper to wealthy, across every nation, with the resulting uncertainty becoming ruler of the day.
What factor enables some to weather storms better than others? Why do some become desperate to the point of suicide, whereas others make their way more effectively through
the mire of sadness, despair, and death, as though protected by an invisible, impenetrable, steel armor.
It is widely accepted the critical factor is resilience, which fits the definitions provided above. However, what creates resilience within us? Is it mental defenses or emotional barriers we have built up in response to hurts, challenges, and disappointments of yesteryear? If that were so, what makes youngsters immune to the disasters surrounding them? Is it simply their lack of understanding of what is happening around them, or is it something deeper?
Many answers we’re seeking will, unfortunately, go unanswered as young children may struggle to verbalize their thoughts and experiences, whilst many who are super resilient do not always know why. Let’s explore a possible reason to find out how and what creates greater resilience in some versus others?
It is usually assumed those with greater resilience must have endured many hardships, creating within them a ‘toughness’ of character. Others believe it’s those who have had fairly uneventful lives which prove to be the most resilient form, not being worn down by past negative incidents or life events.
Let me share my story (similar to many others) that might provide some insight.
Raised in a middle-class family, I had an uneventful, peaceful upbringing, the odd argument every now and then but nothing, unlike other families. My childhood revolved around schoolwork, ballet lessons, friends, and family.
We had family routines such as Friday night being treat night (remember this was in the ’60s) where we were permitted one Hubbly Bubbly fizzy cooldrink from the batch my dad bought monthly from a local wholesaler, my favorite flavor of which was strawberry.
Saturday nights were reserved for a movie night where we frequented one of the three local military air bases (Waterkloof, Tech, or the Garrison) where they allowed the local public to join the soldiers at the film screenings for 25 cents each. As no refreshment services were supplied on-site, a pastime we would stop at the local café on the way there to buy each our favorite sweet or chocolate, mine always being a box of spearmints or peppermints.
The movies they showed were olden day war sagas, spaghetti Westerns, romantic classics, or dramatic movies such as Ben Hur, Gone with the Wind, Boys from Brazil, Love Story, Paint your Wagon, the King and I, with the likes of William Holden, Charlton Heston, Yul Brunner, Robert Redford, Paul Newman, Richard Widmark and many, many more. They would take us away from reality for ninety minutes or so on fantastic adventures into worlds unseen and unexplored. It was an experience, not just a pastime. Bear with me; this has an impact on how I saw life.
As a young girl, I watched many romantic movies with Lana Turner, Ava Gardner, Faye Dunaway, Bridget Bardot, and many more being swept off their feet by strong, confident, romantic heroes like Burt Lancaster, Rock Hudson, Carey Grant, and Gregory Peck who would save the day. They lived such glamorous lives, and we three girls grew up believing our lives would be similar, just with different leading characters.
How naïve!
A few years after leaving school, I was fortunate to become a flight attendant and led the glamorous life I’d always dreamed of. However, dreams don’t last forever.
I married, had my first child, and not gradually, but like a bomb blast, reality got its foot firmly wedged in the doorway of my life, and I realized life is not the idyllic fairy tale or romantic sojourn depicted on the big screen. My knight in shining armor was more like Shrek but nowhere nearly as kind!
As life happened to me, losing family, friends, seeing and experiencing some of the ugliness in the world, so my ever-optimistic demeanor changed to one of clouded judgment, acrimony, and cynicism. I no longer saw anything through rose-tinted glasses; grassroots was down to the dirty, grassroots of everything. I wanted to know exactly what I was in for in any situation, the cold hard facts of what I may be getting myself into, driving my family and friends crazy but never did I want to be as wrong as I was when I eventually became an adult at the age of twenty-eight.
We cannot force negative events on people to create resilience, nor can we make their lives so hard they get discouraged and want to stop living, so how do we help people develop resilience?
It comes down to life skills and managing expectations. This ties in with the statement above from the American Psychological Association: “As much as resilience involves “bouncing back” from these difficult experiences, it can also involve profound personal growth.”
How are we taught to become independent, to have the courage to do things on our own, to face our fears head-on instead of cowering behind a wall? At what age must we start taking on responsibility, not to burden us, but to make us self-sufficient.
The privilege of life coursing through our veins should surpass all other events that take others from us or cause us pain. Are suffering, loss, pain, grief, and sadness not part of being human? How many of us practically teach our children about these at an early age? Some people tell them ridiculous tales because they don’t know how to explain death or loss to them, or they think the child won’t understand.
Children can deal with and understand a lot more than many parents give them credit for, and they should hear this from the people they trust the most, their parents.
When expectations are unrealistic, is that not when disappointment and sadness creep in?
If our expectations are properly managed as we mature, is that not how we learn to realize life in itself is wonderful no matter what is happening to us. Should we not be taught by our teens at the latest that “life is like a box of chocolates – you never know what you’re going to get”, as Forrest Gump’s mama used to say?
We should learn at a young age that emotion is what makes us the beautiful human beings we are – that means, all emotions, the negative and the positive, we don’t have exclusive rights to one or the other.
The sooner we learn to strengthen our resolve, put our armor on for the rough, tough times, let the gentleness through when times are good, and always be at peace, knowing being alive is great.
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Merrill Isherwood, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Merrill Isherwood is a life transformation coach who has spent much of her life being of service to others in the corporate world and her personal life. She has an exemplary work ethic and is driven by living a life of integrity, having honesty, kindness, trust, and respect as her core values. Her psychological counseling degree, supported by her accreditation in life coaching, allows her to ensure her clients are suitably supported in transforming their lives. She specializes in body image, lack of self-esteem, overcoming abusive or toxic relationships, finding life direction, forgiveness, and overcoming adversity. To her, a life well lived means making a difference in each person's life that you are fortunate enough to touch, even if only in the smallest way possible.
