Written by: Yuliya Sakai, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you often say you don’t care? Do you go along with things that deep inside you know you don’t really want? Maybe you have lost your desire.
In Buddhist teachings, they often say,
“Desire is the root of all suffering.”
To that, I'd say,
Lack of desire is the root of dissatisfaction and boredom in life.
Without desire you can’t be authentic and you can’t really grow.
On the other hand, having too much uncontrollable desire is not where you want to be either.
Ideal is the middleground – being able to want something and also have the coping skills to handle when things go wrong.
So today, let’s talk about a lack of desire and what’s the real reason behind it so you can integrate it and create a better life for yourself.
Apathy as a coping mechanism
Not having desires probably makes you feel like you are okay with anything. You don't have expectations, you don't have anything invested in any outcome.
Either way you're going to be "fine", and knowing that gives you an impression of power and control over life.
In other words, lack of desire is keeping you safe.
It is a safety blanket that protects you from dissatisfaction.
Because dissatisfaction is hard to deal with, frustrating and easier to just avoid.
Let’s recall something.
Was there a time in your life when you didn't get what you really wanted?
Or did you have something you love and lose it?
If you said yes, most likely subconsciously or consciously, you decided that it was too painful to want something and that you are not going to do that anymore.
You killed expectations.
That way you thought you would stay safe.
And so your desire got trapped within you and apathy developed in its place. Now you don’t even feel the want.
You feel like you don’t care or can’t be bothered.
You ignore what you want, deny it, and actively go against it. But you still have to live life, so what do you do then?
Going after what you don’t want
Often, people who have an apathetic attitude to life go after what they don't want or don't care about as much to avoid pain.
They go after things that are within their comfort zone, things that they will ultimately be okay with losing.
They choose partners who they are okay/happy-ish with, not the ones who they are going to be madly in love with.
They choose possessions that are good enough and useful, not the ones that are exciting and beautiful to their senses.
They choose jobs that will get their basic needs met, not the ones that will give them joy and fulfillment.
Basically, they live a life of safety and mostly evened out emotional experience. Not because that is what they truly want.
But because they think they won't get hurt that way.
There is nothing scarier to a person who acts like they don't want anything than loss, disappointment and failure.
In contrast, a person with balanced desire can go after what they want with an open heart and know that even if they don't get it, they will be okay.
That they at least have tried.
But the person who is afraid and has a distorted relationship with desire doesn’t have this approach.
They think, “What is the point of trying, I won’t get it anyway.”
Notice the sense of powerlessness.
They think, “I’d rather not have it, than have it and lose it. That’s just more pain.”
Notice the fear of not being able to cope if something goes wrong.
In fact,
The powerlessness and fear can run so deep that they can override any natural inclinations, preferences and likes.
These feelings can even be strong enough to override love.
For example, we often hear, "If the person loves you, they will never let you go." It isn't entirely true.
A person who is afraid of losing, failing, and getting hurt might let go of the person they love.
They’re more overwhelmed with fear than they can feel love.
So what can they do?
They choose someone they love less, someone who won’t trigger this intense fear in them.
Because pursuing what you actually want can be very scary. Do you resonate?
If so, let me tell you something.
Even if you protect yourself with apathy,
Deep inside you do want.
You do have a preference.
Learning to be okay with things going wrong and navigating that is your best shot at happiness and fulfillment.
Stop running away.
Fulfillment
Truth is having desires makes your life more complicated and more fulfilling.
You have to open yourself up to a range of emotions.
You have to live with the fear of loss in the back of your mind.
But there’s also a deep gratitude, fulfillment and happiness there as well. So it’s up to you what to choose.
Personally, I’ve learned to think of loss as normal. It’s life after all. We all lose something.
But I’d rather live in alignment with my desires and be more engaged with life than pretend I don’t want anything to stay safe.
Having integrated my desire, I feel more excited about the future, too. Because I know I will go towards, not away from what I want.
And even if I want something very much and it doesn’t work out, I will find a way to be okay with it and move forward.
Because life without desire is life without alignment. And that is very uninteresting.
I will leave an excerpt here from a song by Birdy and Rhodes “Let It Go”. I feel like it’s talking about desire. See for yourself.
"If we're strong enough to let it in We're strong enough to let it go Let it all go, let it all go. Let it all out now"
Read more on my blog.
Yuliya Sakai, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Yuliya Sakai is an empathic and spiritual coach trained in Rapid Transformational Therapy and Hypnotherapy. She works with people's subconscious minds to untagle their mental blocks so that they can create a better reality for themselves. After experiencing a spiritual awakening in 2020, she has been on a journey of healing, integrating karmic lessons and remembering her power. Now, she focuses on learning more about human mind and consciousness as well as having her one on one therapy practice on the side.
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