Written by: Jane Parker, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Being a relationship coach for couples has been a transformative journey for my clients and myself, filled with unexpected revelations and profound insights. I'll share ten things that have surprised me during my time as a relationship coach. These insights have enriched my professional life and deepened my understanding of the intricacies of love and connection.
The remarkable speed of relationship transformation
It's truly remarkable how quickly a relationship can transform for the better. When both partners are committed to making it work and have the right tools, understanding, information, guidance, and support, they can achieve what they set out to do: a transformation of their relationship. It's like magic, even if only one partner takes the first step and the other naturally follows, creating a positive chain reaction. Just as negativity can spiral in a relationship, so can positive changes. Think about how your actions influence your partner's response—your words, tone of voice, facial expressions, body language, and focus all hold the power to shape their reactions and how they respond to you and the relationship. These small shifts can make a huge difference.
The impact of one's words on their partner: How unaware can a person be?
In a long-term relationship, it's often astonishing how unaware one partner can be of their words' profound impact on their significant other over many years. It's not just the overtly hurtful or contentious remarks that can leave lasting scars. The seemingly innocuous comments or offhand observations made in the heat of a moment, while sharing daily life, or during intimate conversations, can gradually accumulate like droplets in a bucket, slowly filling it to the brim. What one person may perceive as a fleeting comment may linger in their partner's mind, echoing and resonating with deeper insecurities or vulnerabilities, ultimately shaping their self-esteem, self-worth, and emotional well-being.
As time passes, a partner may become desensitized to the power their words yield. They might unintentionally overlook the subtle cues, such as a flinch, a shift in demeanour, or a forced smile, which signify the emotional wounds inflicted over years of interaction. In the absence of open and honest communication, it's easy for a partner to remain oblivious to the cumulative effect of their words, making it essential for couples to nurture an environment of empathy, vulnerability, and active listening as they navigate the intricacies of their shared journey.
Through coaching, people see their part in the relationship and how they affect their partner. The effect of their words may not be an easy realization to face up to, but when they do, it is an opportunity for immense change for both partners.
The vital role of true understanding in communication
We all know that communication is a common issue in relationships. What I have learned, though, is that communication issues often come down to a simple lack of attention or focus or an opposing belief or perspective that needs to be understood.
I was surprised to learn that many couples who seek my guidance have no trouble expressing themselves. They struggle with listening and empathizing with their partner's point of view. This revelation highlights the importance of not just talking but genuinely hearing and understanding your partner while also acknowledging their perspective and emotions. If a partner feels unheard or unseen, this affects the rest of the relationship and causes a disconnect.
Regrettably, numerous couples mistakenly assume they're incompatible when, in truth, they merely need to invest more attention in comprehending each other's true intentions and needs during their conversations. All too frequently, couples underestimate the profound impact of truly understanding one another. Recognizing and meeting your partner's needs is the pivotal information that can miraculously revitalize a relationship that once appeared hopelessly strained.
Lack of vulnerability is a common issue in married couples
In my early days as a relationship coach, I knew it would be difficult for some people to open up about their feelings and concerns during a coaching session as they did not know me well. However, I've found that many individuals are afraid to be vulnerable within their relationship and find it easier to speak within a coaching session. Fearing rejection or judgment within their relationship with someone they have been with for many years has affected their relationship.
People are so afraid of rejection or hurt by their partner that they shut down verbally and emotionally. This can cause a massive rift between them as they no longer feel connected emotionally. Encouraging vulnerability and creating a safe space for it is an essential part of the coaching process to help the couples become vulnerable with each other outside of the sessions. It surprised me how challenging it can be for people to expose their genuine emotions to someone they love.
To some, being 'right' (in the moment) is sometimes more important than the relationship
Often, couples get caught up trying to "win" an argument or prove right. It is challenging for some people to let things go and release the need to be correct, even if it damages their relationship.
In healthy relationships, it's important to remember that they aren't competitions. This mindset stems from ego and insecurity. Instead, it's better to focus on understanding and empathy, letting go of the need to be correct. Being open to the possibility of being wrong and accepting different viewpoints can resolve conflicts and strengthen the relationship. In the end, nurturing the relationship is more important than winning arguments, as it builds trust and fosters a deeper connection between partners.
Love is a choice, not just a feeling
In a world filled with romantic movies and novels, it's easy to believe that love should always feel like an intense, passionate flame. However, one of the most surprising insights I've gained is that love is also a choice. The initial infatuation and excitement might fade over time, but choosing to love your partner daily, even when things get tough, sustains a healthy, long-lasting relationship.
Some couples rarely (if ever) talk about their relationship
It often surprises many couples when they reflect on the limited extent of their discussions about their relationship. While they engage in conversations regarding their daily routines, work, and family matters, they frequently overlook more profound dialogues concerning the well-being of their relationship, its objectives, and their mutual expectations. Understanding the significance of regular relationship check-ins and fostering open, honest conversations about the condition of their partnership is a crucial stride toward sustaining a resilient and deeply connected bond.
Many couples have never had a conversation about their relationship until, sadly, their relationship has already deteriorated. Talking about a relationship regularly when things are working well helps to keep it on the right path.
The impact of external stressors
External stressors, such as financial difficulties, work-related pressure, or family issues, can profoundly impact a relationship. Couples are often taken aback by how these external factors can seep into their relationship, causing tension and challenges they hadn't anticipated. In these busy times, where so many are striving to achieve and juggling so many responsibilities, it is easy to fill our lives up to the point where we have no, or very little, time to focus on our relationship. Over time, this can be devastating and very hard to change as we find ourselves in situations where it is difficult to let go of things we have committed to. Helping couples navigate these external stressors and build resilience in their relationship has been surprising and rewarding as a coach. I advise anyone to be careful not to fill up your life too much – leave space for your relationship.
People believe they know everything about their partner
No matter how long two people have been in a relationship, knowing everything about your partner is nearly impossible. People are complex and constantly evolving. This is what keeps relationships exciting and dynamic.
Assumptions and judgments can harm a relationship because they can limit the relationship's growth and connection. It's essential to remain open-minded and curious about your partner, just as you were when you first met. This ongoing curiosity can help maintain the spark in a relationship and allow it to flourish.
Moreover, being aware of your judgments and expectations is crucial. Sometimes, these preconceived notions can create unnecessary conflicts or misunderstandings. It is limiting when we impose our judgments of our partners onto them. Effective communication, empathy, and a willingness to accept that your partner is not static but continuously changing can lead to a more harmonious and fulfilling relationship.
How much people are willing to endure to preserve their relationship
It's astounding to witness the depths of suffering individuals endure in their relationships, all in the name of salvaging what means the world to them. Even after years of enduring emotional turmoil, they muster the courage to seek one last chance at redemption. Being a coach has given me a rare glimpse into people's lives, where I've been privileged to witness their unwavering strength, devotion, and boundless love. I am deeply honoured that my clients entrust me with their stories. It's a source of immense job satisfaction to guide them toward a relationship that's no longer marked by pain but instead, one that is deeply rewarding.
Conclusion
Being a relationship coach for couples has been a rewarding and eye-opening journey. These ten surprises have shaped my approach to coaching and deepened my appreciation for the complexities of love and connection. In every surprise, I've found valuable lessons that have strengthened my commitment to helping couples build healthier and happier relationships.
I work with many couples and individuals who want to improve their relationships. If all hope is lost or you want to deepen your connection once more, please get in touch. I offer a 30-minute complimentary consultation to all prospective clients and would happily meet you online or in person.
Please get in touch to book your consultation here.
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Jane Parker, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jane Parker is a Certified Strategic Intervention Advanced Relationship Coach and she works with couples and individuals to guide and empower them to create positive changes in their marriage or relationship.
Her strategies help couples in crisis who may be considering separation or see no other alternative than divorce.
Jane's work helps couples to see the value in their relationship and each other, allowing them to
build upon the foundations of their connection to intentionally create the relationship they desire.
She inspires couples and gives them the tools and skills to create more understanding, connection, and trust within their relationship.
Jane's deep commitment to her work comes from her strong family values and a desire to coach couples to create happy and healthy relationships within their own homes. She is dedicated to showing that even when things seem hopeless positive changes can be made.
Jane works with couples in person in the beautiful Lake District, UK, or online worldwide.
You can find Jane at www.janeparkerrelationshipcoach.co.uk
