Written by: Ann Marie Taylor, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Some years ago, a widower who had himself enjoyed a long-lasting happy marriage came to see me. I asked him, at one point, what he thought was the most important secret for creating a happy marriage.
He thought long & hard. Then he gave me the same answer as nearly fifty years of research!* I will tell you at the end of this article what he said, but by then, I hope you will have guessed!
Relationship advice
The good news is that the things you need to do to create a long-lasting, happy marriage are most often simple, practical things that you can start today and you don’t even need your partner to be cooperative or supportive. What’s not to like?
The bad news is it will not be as easy as that sounds. If your marriage is in serious difficulty, it is going to "be a marathon not a sprint: months of doing these things and them not being appreciated. So for some time you are going to think, “this is not working!”
But if you keep on going and follow these evidence-based tips, I can promise you that the tensions in your relationship will start to fall and you will be making real progress towards creating a happy, mutually-supportive and long-lasting relationship.
1. Listen to your partner
Listen to your partner regularly, every day if possible. Let them talk about whatever they want to talk about. It doesn’t have to be a huge amount of time, 10 or 15 minutes regularly would be a great start.
2. Give your full attention
What it does need to be, is with your full attention: not while doing something else at the same time!
So put away your phone, turn off the TV and really listen to your partner, even if, especially if, what they want to talk about doesn’t seem important or interesting to you. Listen and show interest with little (supportive!) comments and questions. It won’t kill you but it might save your marriage! It is amazing how many serious issues in a marriage can be created by simply not giving your partner enough of your time and attention.
All of us have things that we need to tell someone about, for instance, how badly our team is playing; our problem with the neighbour; our dilemma about what to wear for the wedding, or even just, how exciting our favourite TV series is at the moment.
As a partner, long-term research suggests, your main and most important role, is to be the person who listens to these things: to your partner’s daily interests, concerns hopes and fears.
If you get this right, you’re giving your partner the biggest gift you can give them: the gift of your full attention and every time you do it, they’re getting the message, ‘this person loves me, this person cares about me, this person has my back: I can count on them.’
The feeling that we are loved by someone who we can depend on; who will catch us when we fall; who will take care of us when we are at our most vulnerable, this seems to be what most people want, consciously or not, from a marriage or long-term relationship. What seems to make a partner feel like this about us, is our listening to them and giving them the gift of our full attention. For this reason, I call attention The Water of Love.
3. Little gestures of affection
Research has shown that ‘drifting apart’ is caused by a lack of gestures of affection towards each other. Partners may still feel affection but they get out of the habit of showing it. If this is you and you are out of practice, start small. A touch of the hand or arm, a squeeze of the shoulder, these things can mean the world to your partner. Or try taking your partner’s hand while you’re walking together. These little gestures help build & protect the emotional connection between you which stops you from becoming like strangers or like ‘ships that pass in the night’.
4. Build rituals into your life together
Rituals that make it easier to listen and give each other attention naturally, such as going for walks together, even if you don’t have a dog! Many people find it easier to open up and talk productively about difficult things when walking or doing something shoulder-to-shoulder then when face-to-face. Other rituals that may help are things like eating, at least some meals, together (without TV or phones to steal your attention) or even cuddling up together to watch the TV.
Putting away phones & laptops at certain times, such as when you come home from work, for at least a couple of hours, is also a good habit to get into. This is so that you can improve the quality of the time you spend together, by being able to focus on each other, even if it’s only to chat occasionally while eating and clearing up together or while watching the TV.
Something as simple as playing board games or cards can also help you reconnect and re-focus on enjoying each other’s company rather than on problems. What did you use to do together when you first met? Go back to doing that!
5. Focus on the positives in your partner
When we are feeling unloved and neglected, which you will be during a serious relationship crisis, try and remember that your partner is also likely to be feeling like this. It’s easy to see all the things they are doing wrong when you are feeling upset but try and also notice all the little things that they are getting right and let them know you appreciate those things, whatever they are. Remind yourself about the things you originally liked about them, why you got together in the first place and make sure you share those positive things with them because we all like to feel appreciated!
To go back to that widower, he said that the secret of a long and happy marriage is “listening”. But you knew that didn’t you? If you’d like to know more about Ann Marie and her work you can buy her highly-rated book here or check out her website.
Ann Marie Taylor, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ann Marie Taylor is a relationship coach, author and speaker offering caring, confidential and effective help online with relationships. AnnMarie is happily married herself and has lived with her husband for nearly 30 years. She recently wrote a book about her work: 5 Steps to lasting love: an evidence-based guide to protecting & repairing your relationship, available here.
