Written by: Martine Kotze, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Has it been a while since you have felt happy in your marriage? Has it been a while since he has given you that look, you know the one that says you are the most important woman in the world to me? Do you feel like you are booking the date nights, you are starting the difficult conversations and some days in this marathon of long-term relationships it feels like you are dragging them to the finish line. If so maybe this question has crossed your mind – “Should I stay or should I go?”
It’s a question many women struggle with and only a few have the courage and take the time to get an honest answer. Maybe you haven't been able to get to the answers because you have been asking the wrong questions. Here are 3 ways you can reframe the questions you are asking yourself so that you get closer to the right answer you seek.
Is my partner still making me happy?
When you ask this question you give away your personal power. You put all your eggs in one basket so to speak. You pin the answer to that question to someone/something outside of yourself. When you do that I bet you feel disempowered and find yourself nagging him to do chores, criticizing him on the way he does things around the house or with the kids, and complaining that he is not trying hard enough. When you reframe that question to “Can I create my own happiness alongside my partner?” It forces you to take more responsibility for your own happiness and to take back your own power to create the life you deserve instead of waiting for your partner to make you happy. Once you have taken that step toward your own happiness, only then can you look at ways your partner may complement that happiness.
What can I do to stop fighting?
Maybe you have tried date nights, weekend getaways, and listening to podcasts, but you still end up having the same fight over and over again. You could be stuck in the
Relationship Death Loop. It’s like watching a movie and knowing the ending. You can predict exactly what will be said when one person starts yelling and the other person shuts down and leaves the room. It’s so familiar because you have had the same fight for more than 5 years. When you are in a long-term relationship you tend to have the same habits which lead to the same behavior and then give you the same outcome, over and over again. If you want to escape this loop it's time to reframe and ask yourself: “Can we become better at listening and reflecting so that we can hear each other and disrupt his toxic pattern?” When you stop looking at your fights as me against you and become curious about how you can both be seen and heard it breeds intimacy and respect and that will ultimately give you both more love to go around.
Can my partner live up to my expectations?
If you find yourself making a list of all the things you want your partner to work on, you have probably also harbored a lot of resentment over the last few years. It is understandable that you would want to gain some form of control over the relationship if you feel that your partner does not understand you or hear you when you ask something of them, however trying to tell your partner what to do or who to be will only divide the gap between you further. A more resourceful question would be “Can I trust my partner to be themselves within our relationship?” This requires you to become more comfortable in letting go of your expectations, but will also allow you the freedom of not having to control your every move. There is also an added benefit that when you allow your partner to express more of who they are, it gives you permission to do the same. The decision to stay or go is not one to take lightly. It’s not simple. In fact, it is very complex and one that should be looked at under a microscope. Whether you stay or go, it is an opportunity for deep reflection and growth. No one can make that decision for you, but my hope for you is that reframing your questions will make look at your relationship from all angles and bring you clarity.
Through my relationship courses and membership I have helped many women and couples get clear on the answer. If you are wrestling with this question my membership may help you. Accepting new members, click here.
Martine Kotze, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Martine is a Relationship and Mindset Coach and provides bespoke Relationship courses and coaching that values and honors each client and supports them through all aspects of transformation in their relationship, leaving them with valuable tools to share for generations to come. Martine believes that everyone deserves a relationship where they feel loved and seen and deeply understood. Healthy families start with healthy relationships between partners.
