Neela Pirwitz, is a Jay Shetty certified burnout-prevention and well-being coach. She studied psychology and is now working for an international organization. Based in the Netherlands and coaching globally, she is working with professionals who want to become more efficient in how they work, create a better work-life balance, or restructure their routines and habits to prevent burnout.
It is easy to think that we are the only ones affected by the stress we experience at work. However, the events of one area of our lives inevitably spill over into another. This can lead to work stress affecting the relationships in our private lives. To keep these relationships, we need to actively work on maintaining them by setting expectations, taking responsibility and finding small ways to show up for the important people in our lives.
Have you ever been in a situation where one area of life is stressful, and suddenly every area of life is stressful? That’s because you can’t draw a hard border between different aspects of your life. Instead, what happens in one aspect of life will spill over into another. A common example of this is work stress spilling over into our relationships. In times when our work life is very demanding and bosses, employees, colleagues and clients ask a lot from us the last thing we want to do is go home and answer to requests of our partner, family or friends too. Instead, we want to relax, and let’s be honest, be left alone to experience just a moment of peace before everything starts all over again the next morning. Anything someone in our private life says to us sounds like nagging or an accusation. This may lead to you being more irritable and more fights in the relationship, which can reduce intimacy and even give the other person the feeling that they are the problem.
But our work stress and even burnout, do not exist in a vacuum. They don’t just affect us, they affect the people around us too and can have a big (negative) impact on our relationships. Accordingly, it is important to be aware that you are more stressed than usual and actively take charge of the situation by detaching from work stress. Not just to prevent burnout, but to protect your relationships too.
But what can you do to support your relationships if the stress is so bad that detaching and putting work out of your mind seems impossible at that moment?
Communicate about your stress
As so often the case, communication is key. Telling the people you are close to about your situation can help you, and them, to manage expectations towards your relationship during a stressful period. To do this effectively, you need to be aware that you are more stressed and will likely show up differently in your relationships. Ask yourself, what capacity do I have to show up in my relationships while going through this time? How is it different from how I usually show up? Being aware of this, and communicating it to the people close to you allows you to reduce potential feelings of guilt for not showing up enough. At the same time, it will help them manage their expectations and understand why their interactions with you have changed.
Additionally, it can be helpful to be aware of what you need during this time and how your partner, friend or family member can support you. Keep in mind that everyone is different. While someone might think they are being helpful and are going out of their way to be supportive, this won’t necessarily feel supportive to you. Generally, people tend to help others in the way they would want to be helped or in the way they learned to be helpful. Rather than expecting them to know what kind of support you need and want, let them in on what would make you feel seen. Would it be helpful to schedule one hour of quality time during the week? Can they take on more of the household work? Or can they encourage you through words? Actively asking for what you need will make you feel more supported and can reduce the stress you feel at home, while allowing the person in your life to feel helpful rather than “in the way”. Most likely you will both be happier this way, and your relationship will remain more stable and grow stronger.
Take initiative
While it is easy to put the responsibility to keep relationships going on the other person, because you are already stressed, it is healthy for you to actively take the initiative to keep the relationship working too. Even if you are otherwise occupied, it always takes two people to make a relationship work. Be aware that your partner, friend or family member might feel similar to you. Even if they are not in a stressful period themselves, they most definitely feel the effect your stress has on the relationship. While you might not be able to show up in the same way as they are used to, you can still find small ways to show them that the relationship is important to you. Maybe you can plan a getaway for when the most stressful period is over. Or bring them a coffee or takeout to show that you are thinking of them? You could even just leave a note or send a thoughtful text to create a connection and show that you are thinking of them. The choice is yours and does not have to be a big time commitment or cost a lot of money.
Ideally, we mitigate work stress by detaching from work as we get home, resting actively and setting boundaries and expectations around our job. Nevertheless, we might find ourselves in a situation in which detaching does not really seem like an option, and no matter what we do our thoughts keep going back to the pressure at work that doesn’t seem to want to let off. While these situations are hopefully rare and short-lasting, we should still take responsibility for our relationships, friendships and with our families. A good way to do this is to communicate what is going on, and what we need from the other person to make it through this time. At the same time, we should take initiative and recognise that we should make the other person feel valued despite feeling stressed. This will contribute to both parties feeling more secure about the relationship and relieving the pressure on it, making it more likely for the relationship to survive the difficult time and become stronger and more resilient in the process.
Neela Pirwitz, Performance and Well-Being Coach
Neela Pirwitz, is a Jay Shetty certified burnout-prevention and well-being coach. She studied psychology and is now working for an international organization. Based in the Netherlands and coaching globally, she is working with professionals who want to become more efficient in how they work, create a better work-life balance, or restructure their routines and habits to prevent burnout. Neela’s mission is to help her clients to fit their work into their life, rather than life into their work.
