Written by Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a Licensed Psychotherapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Profesisonal in private practice, a Professor of Psychology at Yorkville University, Canada; and a Clinical Director of a non-profit organization, Mothers' Advocacy Project in Atlanta, Georgia.
Love should feel safe, supportive, and fulfilling. But sometimes, what we mistake for love is actually a trauma bond, a toxic connection rooted in cycles of pain and emotional dependency. This article will shed some light on why understanding the difference between trauma bonds and true love is essential for building healthier, more fulfilling relationships.
What is trauma bonding?
Trauma bonding occurs when an individual forms a deep emotional attachment to someone who is causing them harm. This often happens in abusive or toxic relationships, where periods of kindness or affection are interspersed with emotional or physical pain. The intermittent reinforcement of love and mistreatment creates a psychological attachment that can feel impossible to break.
Trauma bonds typically develop due to the brain’s response to inconsistent reinforcement. The abuser’s moments of kindness activate the brain’s reward system, releasing dopamine, which creates a false sense of hope that the relationship will improve. At the same time, stress and fear trigger cortisol, reinforcing dependency on the abuser. Over time, the victim becomes emotionally and psychologically tied to the cycle, often mistaking it for love.
Signs of a trauma bond
Recognizing a trauma bond can be difficult, especially for those who have been conditioned to accept unhealthy relationship patterns. Some common signs include:
Feeling addicted to the relationship, even when it is harmful.
Rationalizing or excusing abusive behavior and believing the abuser will change.
Experiencing extreme emotional highs and lows, feeling euphoric after reconciliation but devastated during the conflict.
Defending the abuser despite clear evidence of harm.
Feeling responsible for the abuser’s emotions or actions.
Having difficulty leaving, even when friends and family express concern.
6 ways to differentiate trauma bonds from true love
1. Emotional stability vs. emotional rollercoaster
Trauma bond: Characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows. One moment, you feel euphoric and deeply connected, and the next, you feel abandoned or devastated. These fluctuations create dependency.
True love: Provides emotional stability and security. While disagreements occur, they are handled with respect and open communication rather than manipulation and fear.
2. Fear vs. security
Trauma bond: Often rooted in fear fear of abandonment, fear of conflict, or fear of not being “good enough.” The relationship feels like walking on eggshells.
True love: Built on trust and emotional safety. Both partners feel secure in their connection without the constant fear of being hurt or discarded.
3. Manipulation vs. respect
Trauma bond: Involves manipulation, guilt-tripping, or gaslighting to maintain control. One partner often holds power over the other, making them feel responsible for their happiness or emotions.
True love: Based on mutual respect. Partners communicate openly, honor each other's boundaries, and do not use emotional tactics to control or dominate.
4. Erosion of self-worth vs. self-growth
Trauma bond: Over time, the victim’s self-esteem is diminished. They may feel unworthy, question their judgment, and struggle to recognize their value outside of the relationship.
True love: Encourages self-growth and personal development. Partners support each other’s ambitions and well-being rather than fostering dependency.
5. Conditional love vs. unconditional support
Trauma bond: Love feels conditional affection is given and withdrawn based on behavior. One partner may feel they have to earn love by enduring hardship.
True love: Love is consistent and unconditional. While conflicts happen, they do not determine the presence or absence of love.
6. Difficulty leaving vs. freedom to choose
Trauma bond: Feels impossible to leave due to emotional addiction, guilt, or fear of being alone. The toxic cycle keeps pulling the person back.
True love: Partners feel free to be themselves and know they can walk away if the relationship no longer serves them in a healthy way.
Why do we stay in trauma bonds?
The intermittent reinforcement, a pattern of unpredictable rewards and punishments, and the false hope that comes with it are not the only reasons why we remain in trauma bonds. Another factor is low self-worth. Many people who form trauma bonds have experienced past emotional wounds, often from childhood, where they learned that love and pain are intertwined. If someone grows up in an environment where love was conditional or inconsistent, they may unconsciously seek out similar relationships in adulthood, believing that they must "earn" love by enduring hardship.
Leaving a trauma bond is not just about walking away; it’s about confronting deep-seated fears. Many people stay because they fear being alone or believe they won’t find another relationship. Others have been manipulated into thinking that no one else will love them, reinforcing their dependency on their abuser. The idea of stepping into the unknown can feel terrifying, making the familiar, even if painful, seem safer than the uncertainty of leaving.
Additionally, trauma bonds often involve gaslighting and emotional manipulation, where the abusive partner distorts reality, making the victim doubt their own judgment. This can create confusion and self-blame, causing a person to rationalize the abuse instead of recognizing it for what it is.
Breaking free from a trauma bond
Breaking free from the cycle
Escaping a trauma bond requires both emotional and practical steps. The first step is awareness, recognizing that what you’re experiencing is not love but a cycle of abuse and control. Therapy, particularly trauma-informed therapy, can help unpack deep-rooted emotional wounds and build self-esteem. Surrounding yourself with supportive people who validate your experiences can also provide the encouragement needed to leave. For therapeutic resources or coaching support, please check out our website, DMCoaching.life.
Setting boundaries, cutting off contact when possible, and practicing self-compassion are key to breaking the cycle. Healing takes time, but understanding that love should never require suffering is the first step toward finding genuine, healthy relationships.
If you recognize the signs of a trauma bond, breaking free is challenging but entirely possible. Here are the six most important steps:
1. Acknowledge the bond
Recognizing that you are in a trauma bond is the first step toward breaking free. Understand that love should not feel painful, uncertain, or fear-based.
2. Seek support
Reach out to trusted friends, family, or a therapist who can help you gain perspective and emotional strength. Speaking with others can provide clarity and reassurance.
3. Set firm boundaries
Establish clear emotional and physical boundaries with the person involved. This may mean limiting contact or completely cutting ties if the relationship is abusive. At Her Journey, our inner circle community membership for women, we have many resources on how to understand, establish, and cultivate healthy boundaries.
4. Focus on self-healing
Engage in activities that rebuild your sense of self-worth, such as therapy, self-care, and mindfulness practices. Reconnect with hobbies, passions, and personal goals.
5. Challenge negative beliefs
Trauma bonds often lead to distorted beliefs like “I can’t do better” or “This is what love looks like.” Work on reframing these thoughts to recognize that love should be nurturing, not painful.
6. Give yourself time
Healing from a trauma bond takes time. Be patient with yourself as you unlearn toxic relationship patterns and build healthier emotional habits.
Final thoughts
Recognizing the difference between trauma bonds and true love is crucial for emotional well-being. While trauma bonds thrive on fear, instability, and control, true love is about safety, trust, and mutual respect. By prioritizing self-awareness and healing, you can break free from toxic cycles and cultivate relationships that truly nurture and support you.
Dr. Denisa Millette, Psychologist
Dr. Denisa Millette is a Licensed Psychotherapist and a Certified Clinical Trauma Professional in private practice, a Professor of Psychology at Yorkville University, Canada; and a Clinical Director of a non-profit organization, Mothers' Advocacy Project in Atlanta, Georgia. Dr. Millette has been actively engaged in various fields of psychology, including clinical, forensic, counseling, and peak performance psychology for over 24 years. Her practical experience includes conducting psychological and forensic evaluations and providing consultations and targeted psychotherapy to diverse clients of all ages in treatment centers and private practice in the Czech Republic, the United Kingdom, and the United States. Dr. Millette’s research efforts are focused on emotional intelligence and neuropsychology. Dr. Millette is a member of the American Psychological Association, the American Counseling Association, and Psi Chi, The International Honor Society in Psychology.
