Written by: Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
You might think it´s over, but maybe there is another chance.
My boyfriend and I met and started dating in May 2019. The beginning of our relationship was truly magical, especially because he is exactly the person I always wanted in my life.
The fact that everything started out so perfect as well as some flawed beliefs on my end, made me hold the thought that we would never run into any issues. We enjoyed a summer of romantic dates, sun, and dreams.
As September rolled around we encountered the first dark period as a couple. I struggled with some personal issues and he fought family problems. I believed in our relationship and by the end of October things looked up for us again.
The year 2020 was a big roller coaster ride for us. Many things went well, and many things did not go so well. It was in fact September 2020 that we went through our darkest period as a couple, questioning whether this relationship would last or not. At the time I saw it as a learning process for him, as I was already wise (joking). But I came to realize that I had as much to learn as my partner if not more…
The issue in many relationships.
The problem in so many relationships is that we believe our partner is supposed to be a certain way. If they are not we show them energetically or directly that they are not enough. When our partner doesn´t behave in the way we want them to, we get angry, frustrated, and upset. I cannot tell you how many times I felt these emotions.
For me, it was: “He shouldn´t be late; he should always call back immediately; he should openly share his feelings with me; he should not forget; he should know this by now; he should” the list goes on. The problem is: where is the love in this message? Where is the empathy, the understanding that I am seeking in my partner for my partner.
The only way out of anything is always through it. Facing it. For us that meant first and foremost complete honesty and transparency with each other. During this time I learned a couple of other things that were highly beneficial for our bond today.
THIS is what I learned. This COULD save your relationship.
1. The ego seeks drama in relationships. I had my biggest breakthrough, as I was reading Eckhardt Tolle´s book “A new earth”. It was what I learned in the chapter about the “ego” that made all the difference. I suddenly realised that it was my ego-searching drama in my relationship. And then saying goodbye to my ego or at least being aware of it would make ALL THE DIFFERENCE. Prior to this realisation I would criticise my boyfriend on various occasions. When he was late when he forgot to do something when he made changes to our plans.
2. Loving someone as they are. In the life coach school podcast by Brook Castillo I learned about the concept of “loving your partner as they are”…and I tried. But trying is not doing. I wanted to, but then these doubting voices came to my mind that would say “Is he really the one?”, “Can I live with this behavior?”, “Maybe I deserve better than this…”. I now know that my partner must have felt inadequate during this period. At our core, we all desire to be loved the way that we are and I at the time did not love him the way that he was.
It was through the experience of nearly losing him as well as reading “A new earth” that I finally realized that actually, I am well off with him; we have more things in common than we have apart and that I can and WANT to love him the way he is. I stopped trying and I started doing. I began to TRULY believe in us.
3. Stop the gossip. What I changed after the months of September in 2020 is that I stopped talking about my relationship. No “If my boyfriend did things this way it would be much better” or “I´m upset because…” because ultimately even though he does not hear the words, he does feel the energy of what that creates. I left anything to discuss between us and I did not take it elsewhere.
4. Shifting focus. I shifted my focus to my goals, my dreams, my work. Whereas before I would always be worried about our relationship which of course attracted more negativity. At the time I wasn´t aware of it, but shifting focus was very therapeutic for both of us.
5. Loving yourself. And finally and as cheesy as it may sound, but I started to love myself and took ownership of my happiness. Prior, I subconsciously always blamed my partner for not being there for me enough when I needed him. Yet, that created so much pressure on him. When I learned to show up for myself I took responsibility for myself.
Relationships aren´t perfect.
Don´t believe that there is something wrong with your relationship when things are not always rosy. This is perfectly normal. It is more important what you make of it, how you react and what you learn moving forward. Make less of other peoples' opinions and more of your own.
What you see on Instagram is a very one-sided story. Couples rarely share their struggles there, yet they do exist. At first it made me angry thinking “Are we the only couple who has dark times?”. However, I count my blessings for a few beautiful friends who did open up to me about the issues they´ve overcome.
Let go, only to receive.
Interestingly enough, once I began to shift my focus, shift my beliefs and shift to loving him as he is, he became more of the person that I always wanted him to be. The difference is that now he wanted to be that person. I didn´t pressure him to be any other way than he is. It took time for him to realise that this is for real. I think for a while he was waiting for “the other shoe to drop” but as it didn´t, he surely came forward in a loving and kind way.
Things he wasn´t willing to do for me prior, he now happily does and I know it´s because the dynamics in our relationship have completely changed. Before I was able to implement the changes, I kind of knew that what was truly needed from me was to let go. So there were various times where I pretended to let go. Where I faked loving him as he is, but I had to learn the hard way that this never works.
Only when you truly release your attachment and truly love without judgement, is when you experience pure loving change. Relationships are for us to grow and no one is perfect. Find perfection in your flawed relationship.
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, and visit my website for more info! Read more from Melanie!
Melanie Josephine, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Melanie Josephine is a leading expert in the field of dating and relationships. In her coaching practice, she actively helps women to bring clarity and light into a topic that may have been dark for years. After going through challenges in her own love life, she decided to research and figure out where she was going wrong. Her self help book “Love Life Simplified” won a New Apple Award in the category “Young Adult Inspirational” and she continues to write for Brainz Magazine as well as on medium.com. In her podcast “Change Your Love Life Forever” she regularly shares experiences and learnings on a vulnerable level. Before she settled down in the UK, she travelled the world as an international nanny and shared her learnings in her popular book “Rock Your Au Pair Year”. Melanie is a highly organised Nanny/ Carer PA with many years of experience in private households alongside her coaching and author activities. Her mission: to bring hope into peoples love life because there is someone for everyone!
