Written by: Lucie Matsouaka, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When I’m at a turning point of my life and a story pops up into my head about my childhood, there’s a big chance that it’s related to my late father who died almost 9 years ago. He was the support our family relied on. We were never worried about the future. We always had confidence, knowing that our father provided stability and security. Our hearts were at complete rest. Our father was our ANCHOR.
As I type these words, I still feel a twinge of regret. Even though I had the blessing to introduce him to my own children before he left earth, a part of me wishes I could ask him for advice one more time, or simply say “Hey Papa! I listened to your advice and it’s working! You were right!”
While I know, some of you will relate to this part of my story, many won’t. Unfortunately, a good number of people never had the privilege to grow up with such a steady anchor called a father. For this reason, it makes it even more difficult for them to ask young men today to become great fathers. They didn’t have a good example to emulate.
Even though there are plenty of legitimate reasons why a father can’t be there for his family (e.g., an untimely death), many other reasons are not, and we shouldn’t even try to justify them. You and I know too well that if you grew up without a father figure (or with a bad father), it would demand from you to become very intentional and make the conscious choice to learn how to become a good one to your children, from other father figures around you. When the father is absent, in some cultures, other family members—especially men—immediately step in to play the role.
As I’m fulfilling my work as a career and youth leadership coach, I want to continue to stress the importance of instilling the notion of self-leadership in our youth long before they take over the professional world or simply before they start replacing us in leadership positions. When we don’t do it, the consequences are extreme and dire. However, most of these unwanted consequences are preventable. We have the choice to equip them now while they’re still young or make a mistake to wait later to fix them: the choice is ours. Therefore, I suggest that each time you meet a young person, picture him (or her) as a future leader. Once you have that in mind, you can now ask yourself the question, “What am I doing right now (or not doing) to help this future leader reach their full potential?
While many still believe that leadership is only taught in schools or fancy leadership programs, I beg to disagree. In a recent article on Mother’s Day, I wrote and shared a few ideas about the role of the mother in young adults’ leadership. Now, I would like to share what I believe is the responsibility of a father in that regard, which in my opinion, is even more important. When it comes to the family, fathers are the foundation of leadership, and a culture that dishonors or disregards fathers creates more issues instead of solving them.
Psychologists teach that the things that happened in our early lives transfer into our adult lives, and dictate how we interact with our own children in the future. Many people who experienced a negative fatherhood experience have the tendency to replicate or re-live those bad experiences, one way or the other.
There are tons and tons of publically available research publications that demonstrate that when the place of the father in the home is not honored, it leads to terrible consequences in the lives of children. Case in point, the highest source of poverty in the US is fatherlessness. It is not the lack of money, but the lack of fathers. Can you believe this? In fact, a father doesn’t only provide shelter and food. Anyone can do that. While mothers are nurturers, good fathers are love, guidance, discipline, and set the standard for the entire family.
A Time Magazine article said that “More than any other factor, a biological father’s presence in the family will determine a child's success or happiness.” The article even argues “82% of men in prison come from fatherless homes.” As I look around me, it is clearly apparent that families who lack a father figure are having a hard time producing the best leaders for the future. This doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just means it’s more difficult for the next generation when there’s no great examples they can learn from. By the way, women suffer twice from bad fatherhood: first, they suffer if their own father wasn’t good, then they suffer a second time if they marry a man who didn’t have a good father himself.
Imagine a house built on the wrong foundation or no foundation at all. How can that house be sustained? That’s who fathers are. Good fathers are the foundation of the entire family structure. If you take the father away, the entire structure becomes unstable. Then, it becomes very difficult for an unstable home to produce great leaders. It’s that simple! I suggest that we give men the place they truly deserve so that they could feel empowered to fulfill their roles.
Let’s encourage, equip, and uplift fathers. Let’s also create programs where we teach our men how to be men, the responsibilities of a man, and what we expect from them. There are so many women empowerment programs as we speak, but where are the men empowerment programs?
I don’t see any good reason to encourage women not to give men the place they deserve in the home, if it’s not motivated by economic profits, as it disrupts families. We know too well that these amazing and hardworking women who we encourage to think they can raise kids “all by themselves” because they are “strong and independent” will get overwhelmed at some point. Yes, women are strong. Yes, women are capable of doing many great things. However, being capable does not mean we should or would succeed.
Dear ladies, we should not listen to the negative (and toxic!) advice from those who do not have our best interest at heart. Think about it! Those who encourage us not to allow the father of our kids to be present in their lives just because we’re upset with him, do they have kids? If yes, how are they? What future do we really want for our kids? Let’s not be too quick to forget what matters the most and put the future of our kids in jeopardy, believing we have what it takes to do everything in our power to help them. No, we don’t! We’re not supposed to do it all by ourselves.
“I don’t need a man,” we sometimes say. But, our children need their dads to grow and live a balanced life to become great leaders in the future. While it can be daunting to raise a baby or toddler, that’s nothing compared to raising them when they become teenagers. As teenagers, they are in dire need of guidance, support, mentorship, points of reference, and everything in between to live a healthy and productive life as young adults. Unfortunately, we, women, do not always have what it takes for our kids to become what they’re supposed to become. Toys, electronics, gadgets, TV, entertainment won’t be enough and won’t do the job.
I’m not dismissing women who have legitimate concerns and reasons to go separate ways with their spouses or partners. Still, our 50% divorce rate (or higher for subsequent marriages) in the United States, for instance, is not all the result of abuse, mistreatment, or “the man’s fault.” Even worse, it is not always a wise idea to keep a father away from his children out of anger, frustration, selfish ambition, or agenda. Remember, we are raising those who will lead families, companies, communities, businesses, cities, countries, political parties. What kind of leaders will we be sending into this world? As much as possible, fathers must be in the lives of their children.
You heard me call my own father the “anchor” of our family. Why is that? Because that is what a good father is. I am a woman, but it’s actually my father’s voice that prevented me from making the worst mistakes, when I recall the many decisive moments of my life. Isn’t that interesting? The strong desire not to disappoint my father was enough to keep me on track, even after I left his house. His voice protected me; his advice weighed tons. I know I’m not the only one feeling this way. Therefore, let’s protect fathers to protect our youth and keep families united. By doing so, we’re building a secure environment where our future leaders will thrive, grow, learn and get their marks.
And to you, the amazing anchor reading this, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for doing your part and being present in the life of your children. Thank you for doing your best to raise, protect and sustain the future leaders of this world.
I wish you an incredible Father’s Day!
To connect with me, visit my website or follow me on Facebook, LinkedIn, and Instagram. If you speak French, feel free to join our French-speaking community, L'Emergence De L'Entrepreneur, for more tips for emerging entrepreneurs.
Lucie S. Matsouaka, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Lucie S. Matsouaka is a Certified Professional Career Coach who believes that it’s not enough to help people look good on paper before a job interview. As an International Youth Leadership Coach, she gives them the tools they need to separate themselves from the masses and have a successful career, no matter what that means to them. She founded L’Emergence De L’Entrepreneur, a French-speaking empowerment platform where she teaches emerging entrepreneurs how to navigate entrepreneurship storms to stand out and be successful.
