Written by: Jenn Taylor, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
In my 7th and final pregnancy, I lost twins at 19-weeks which resulted in 3 surgeries: A D&C, which left me hemorrhaging, then a vaginal hysterectomy, and an emergency surgery a couple of hours later for internal bleeding. To save my life, surgeons cut me hip to hip and took out or moved around my internal organs I was later told a second surgeon was called in, it took almost 3 hours to stop my bleeding, I was dead on the table, and I had 5 blood transfusions - 3 were from the blood that was suctioned out of my abdomen, run through a machine, and given back to me.
Although it was 17 years ago, I wrestled with my physical scars and even more with my emotional scars for a long time. Feeling like I was less of a woman because I no longer had my uterus and cervix. Feeling inadequate because I wasn’t able to carry those twins. Feeling lost that in the end losing them was a relief because my body was just so exhausted.
It took years to get past the feelings of inadequacies, to reconcile the trauma my body went through, to rekindle the relationship with my body that, in the past, had been easy and effortless. I had to talk to myself and encourage myself. I had to remember that I should’ve been dead, BUT GOD has other plans for me! I had to remember that the scars I carry (inside and out) prove that I am strong. My resilience shines through not despite these scars, but BECAUSE of them.
I realized that my scars allow me to witness, inspire, encourage, and motivate others, and give God glory at the same time. I needed to learn that my transparency about the emotional scars would help someone else embrace their own scars, and thankfully, I kept track of my journey that I later used to create a program helping other women process their own traumas and scars.
Embracing my scars didn’t happen overnight. I had to pray, wrestle with my personal demons, ask for help, follow through on the therapy I needed to process the trauma and loss. I had to be OK with not feeling OK and to learn what it meant to be different than I was before, and learn to love it. That took a village of people close to me urging me to open up, let down my guard, share my story, and heal. It was a lot of letting go and equal parts of embracing the new.
Kintsugi is the Japanese art of putting broken pottery pieces back together with gold — built on the idea that in embracing flaws and imperfections, you can create an even stronger, more beautiful piece of art. When I see a bowl or cup made in this way I smile thinking how much more beautiful and unique we all are with our scars patched with gold.
“If you never heal from what hurt you, you’ll bleed on people who didn’t cut you.”
Today, I praise God for my scars! I will be an example to the world and help them to heal and embrace themselves, flaws and all.
I offer free Benevolent Gratitude training to help launch your healing journey. https://www.momof18.com/page/208274
Jenn Taylor, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Jenn Taylor is Mom Of 18 and The Naked Podcaster, a Mindset Coach, and Motivational Speaker. She is also an NLP Practitioner and has 15+ years in the foster care sector as both a parent and a trainer, has written the blog - Mom’s Running It - for 9 years, and is a published author of a self-help memoir "Hello, My Name Is... Warrior Princess". She teaches Compounding Joy, bringing fast, easy, actionable exercises to people to increase their joy and gratitude. She is also married to an amazing man in Reno, NV, is a runner, minimalist, and healthy lifestyle enthusiast.
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