Written by: Christopher H. McKinney Sr., Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Here I am again, writing another article off the path I usually travel. The Good Lord has me being more transparent for reasons yet unknown to me. It could be because our world often portrays EVERYTHING with all the flaws edited out. Or it could be that I often desire to present an "edited" Chris. But in real life, you and I have flaws and are going through some real "stuff." We are either going into a fire, in the fire, or coming out of the fire in some part of our lives. It could be employment, finances, marriage, health, children, or other areas, but everyone is going through something, so be encouraged because you are not alone. Hopefully, someone will benefit and avoid the potholes I drove through.
Unresolved feelings of rejection and unforgiveness are debilitating. Rejection and unforgiveness cause us to self-sabotage unconsciously in other parts of our lives. For example, I had feelings of rejection towards my biological father, who chose to be completely uninvolved in my life. This feeling of rejection caused self-sabotage in some of my intimate relationships because I saw things through the lens of rejection, and it caused me to respond in a nonproductive manner. In her article "The Pain of Social Rejection" for the American Psychological Association, Kirsten Weir wrote, "Social rejection increases anger, anxiety, depression, jealousy, and sadness." I experienced anger, and as much as I did not want to admit it, I also experienced sadness. When I perceived someone was rejecting me, I would, at times, get angry and retreat to escape further pain. These are very unproductive relationship behaviors.
I would be standing in front of the prison door screaming, “Let me out!!!” over and over again, and all the while, there was no door.
My therapist told me that rejection is a choice. I wanted to cuss her out every time she said it, but I came to find that it is true because you are free when your perspective or point of view (POV) is free. That sounds easy enough, but it is very complicated to execute. That is because we all have the right to choose. No one can infringe upon that right, regardless of how we decide. And the scary part is that no one can rush us to the point when we realize we are free. Some may never get there.
For 45+ years, I was in self-imposed bondage because of the actions of a man who had his own issues as he did not see fit to take care of his responsibilities. He did not have me in confinement. He didn't have the power to imprison me. I was self-imprisoned. Once I realized this, I was very appalled! At any point over the past 45+ years, I could have walked away free at any time, but I could not see I was self-enslaved because I was so caught up in pain.
The crazy part is that I swore that I was free. You could not tell me anything different. What I found utterly ridiculous was that I would be standing in front of the prison door screaming, “Let me out!!!” over and over again, and all the while, there was no door. There was no door!
I could have walked out at any time. Can you picture that? A grown man screaming at the top of his lungs (in his mind), “Let me out!!!” But nothing is confining him to the room. Ridiculous! But then a revelation came when I was ready to receive it.
When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. – Unknown
I have learned that while I walk on this earth, there are multiple levels of freedom based on POV. As a believer in Christ, my job is to grow in my identity of Christ and elevate because whom the Son sets free is truly free. But this freedom is not received at the 100% level at the point that I accept Christ. As I grow in this identity, more freedom comes. Further, I only know another level of freedom exists once there is a revelation. Which means I must go through something to gain new revelation. What is crazy is that at the onset of each level, I think this is the pinnacle, and I have arrived. Then life happens, and it is revealed… I have not.
Additionally, I had to figure out that I had nothing to prove to anyone. You do not have anything to prove to anyone. Rejection and unforgiveness caused me to walk around feeling like I had something to prove, a chip on the shoulder. (Did I say that things from one area can spill over into another?) Because I chose to feel rejected, I was compelled to prove I was good enough. This was part of the reason I became a very high achiever. And not that being a high achiever is terrible, but the rejection that was a part of my drive was an unhealthy motivator because I couldn’t contain it. I had to prove myself in sports, chasing women, at work, and in many other areas, sometimes using unhealthy behaviors.
The etymology of the phrase “chip on the shoulder” indicates there is a perceived grievance or sense of inferiority. Both emanate internally from the individual to the external environment, not the opposite.
We allow people to rent space in our heads that should only be allowed to visit for very short periods…
Once my POV shifted, it occurred to me that the universe was waiting for my POV to adjust so it could receive the “full measure” of my gift. Unbeknownst to me, I was not previously operating at my greatest capacity. You are no different. We think we have been giving the “full measure” of our gift, but we have not. We waste critical energy and intellectual capital by holding on to the past, past rejections, unforgiveness, and pain. We allow people to rent space in our heads that should only be allowed to visit for very short periods if we allow them to visit at all. Again, in the article "The Pain of Social Rejection," Kirsten Weir stated, “Social rejection… It reduces performance on difficult intellectual tasks and can also contribute to aggression and poor impulse control.”
Additionally, past rejections, unforgiveness, and pain can release toxins within our bodies that work against us, decrease our energy, and can facilitate disease. According to research by Dr. Michael Barry, the article "The Deadly Consequences of Unforgiveness” states, "Of all cancer patients, 61 percent have forgiveness issues, and of those, more than half are severe.”
Once the past is released, we can leverage our talents to make the world a better place by giving our gift to its fullest extent. I am the only one who can release Chris from HIS self-imposed prison. Only YOU can release YOU from YOUR self-imposed prison.
I did not arrive at my current stop on my journey alone. I credit my wife with encouraging me to do my work and being patient. I credit my therapist for having the guts to put up with me each week. I tell her at least once each session, "I don't like you today." I give honor to GOD, who empowered me through HIS Spirit to do and continue to do the work. No, it is not finished; I'm just further down the path of becoming. The work was/is challenging and not fun, but I can become more free by being committed. I have released Mr. Pitts. I actually felt sorrow for him as he did not experience a great kid who was pretty athletic and intelligent. He had work he needed to do.
There are still numerous opportunities for me to get stuck, but when I do feel stuck, I more easily find that elusive doorway with no door. I more easily get unstuck and continue my forward progress. It's not perfect, and it's not always pretty, but I keep pressing forward toward that which I have been called. Put differently, each day I strive for 3 yards and a cloud of dust.
When your POV is free, you are free.
For those that know me, I often say, "Get comfortable being uncomfortable." I will tell you that I feel completely naked right now. I do not like it, but it is good for me.
My company 10X Leadership Consulting works with businesses and organizations to identify and diagnose critical issues that impede development and growth. We can help in many areas, but we specialize in 1.) Strategy Development, 2.) Culture Development, 3.) Change Management, 4.) Talent Optimization 5) Custom Workshops. If we can ever be of assistance to you, reach out. You can click the logo below.
But most importantly, if you need help with your "Daddy Issues," "Momma Issues," "Ex Issues," or just a negative POV, get some assistance. You do not have to do it alone. You matter, and the world needs the full measure of your gift because “You are the Gift!”
Christopher H. McKinney Sr., Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Chris is the founder and CEO of 10X Leadership Consulting (10XLC). 10XLC is a premier consulting company that identifies and diagnoses issues that impede the development and growth of businesses. 10XLC specializes in strategy, leadership, and culture development. Chris is also a co-author of the book “Triumphant Transitions” published by Trilogy Publishing.
As a 30-year Air Force veteran, he developed the mantras “Leadership is relentless!” and “When you add value, you become invaluable.” Both were key beacons that helped him navigate and have highly successful careers in two different industries. Success for Chris is seeing people around him grow, evolve, and become effective when they gain a seat at the table. His mindset is for his life to be at its fullest, others must release their gift(s) into the world. By releasing their gift(s), the world is made more complete.
