Written by: Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
What if, with 1 New Year’s Resolution, we could make our lives, & the lives of those around us, lighter, less stressful, & more meaningful?
By making this the year that we finally decide to treat ourselves as the precious beings that we are, and become our own best friend instead of our own worst enemy, we open the door to freedom, power & peace for ourselves and for those around us.
By resolving to stop with negative self regard & instead to love who we are right now, we firmly set ourselves up to let go of what’s holding us back from continuing to grow – and we also generously give space for everyone around us to do the same.
This is a resolution worth keeping.
As a fully embodied fitness & living coach, I love helping people make healthy choices regarding lifestyle & personal growth. Supporting clients as they challenge themselves to stretch beyond their comfort zone is my passion. But if we’re doing these things because we’ve been taught not to love, value, & respect who we are already, and our hope is that with some self-improvement we’ll feel ‘better’, we’re setting ourselves up for a lifetime of disappointment, disillusion, & ultimately, despair. By feeling good now, instead of waiting for some moment in the non-existent future, we access a wealth of strength & light already within us, which is, in fact, superfuel for growth.
The never-ending cycle of ‘enough-ness’
Some of us may have spent years, maybe our entire lifetimes, believing that we need to earn love, respect, & acceptance by forcing ourselves to fit into an unrealistic, idealized image of ‘enough’, and by punishing & judging ourselves when we don’t. Of course, we didn’t create this need for ‘enough-ness’ ourselves. It’s absolutely entrenched in our culture & institutions and potentially even in our own families. Inevitably, it seeps into our own unconscious. It’s like a continuous whisper of disempowerment in our ears saying ‘you’re not enough’. For some of us, it happens in micro-moments, as we frown at our reflection in the mirror, or compare our net worth to that of the latest cryptocurrency superstar. For others it can have more dire consequences, causing a lifetime of paralyzing low self-esteem & self-doubt.
This negative energy towards self, no matter how small or big, eventually depletes us. It limits our ability to make brave choices & to live a generous, impactful life. Ironically, it’s also kind of selfish. When we feel like we’re not enough – not fit enough, attractive enough, successful enough, smart enough, young enough, creative enough, capable enough, rich enough, or even when we feel like we’re not good enough partners or parents – we give less, not just to ourselves, but to the world around us as well, as we dim our own light. When we try to change or deny who we are in order to be accepted & acceptable, we send out the message, consciously or not, that everyone else needs to do the same, because everyone’s inherent light is not enough. This message, so prevalent in our culture of comparison, is tragically & especially heard by our children. And so the cycle continues as we all keep striving for ‘enough-ness’.
When we feel like we’re not enough,..
We don’t give adequate time, effort, & consideration to living a healthy lifestyle (rest, good diet, exercise, self-care), because we base our worthiness on our productivity, and not on our wellbeing
We overemphasize diet, exercise, productivity & abundance for reasons of external validation rather than for our own self regard
We allow ourselves to be treated with disrespect – not just by others but by ourselves.
We overgive, have poor boundaries, & don’t speak up for ourselves
We allow unhealthy habits & addictions to go unaddressed – not reaching out for help when we need it – because we feel like we’re just not worth the effort.
We ignore & devalue our dreams & passions, opting instead for what we think we ‘should’ do.
We base our value on the conditional components of our lives: our appearance, level of success, net worth, capability, age, title – only to become devastated as all of these things inevitably change.
What does being our best friend look like?
Imagine an ideal best friend, or perhaps an ideal parent. This person appreciates us unconditionally for who we are right now, while also providing total support as we grow & challenge ourselves to live our best lives. This person lovingly lets us know when we’re doing harmful things to ourselves, or when we’re putting ourselves in harmful situations and gently accompanies us back to a healthier place, with no judgment. They remind us of our goals while also reminding us of our inherent worth exactly as we are. They show us how we could do things differently going forward, while also offering absolute forgiveness for the past. They give us positive reinforcement for every step we take along the way, while also reminding us that we are absolutely enough right now. They are honest and kind with us, always.
This ideal ally, our best friend, already lives inside of us.
When we keep asking ourselves ‘What would my best friend say to me right now?' we remind ourselves that it’s possible to challenge ourselves without beating up on ourselves, and to enjoy this moment fully while still setting ourselves up for a fantastic future. We are reminded that treating ourselves with respect, dignity, & support is not selfish, but that in fact it’s the birthright of every human being – including us.
It’s important to note that this inner best friend does have an evil twin, to whom we may be more used to listening! With practice, we can learn to stretch our ears & hear what our best friend has to say, and to let the voice of their evil twin be compassionately heard, but not believed.
Kindness & positivity are more effective tools for growth
While this all sounds quite lovely, it’s also very practical. It has been clearly shown that self-compassion & positive support are overwhelmingly more effective than negative self-talk & self-punishment for everything from implementing healthier eating habits to addiction recovery to improving sports performance. When we let go of the ‘I’ll only be happy when…’ mentality, and instead decide to love & accept ourselves for who we are right now, we become more energized & more capable of taking on the hard work of personal growth. When we stop basing our self worth on what other people, or society, think, and instead we look to our inner best friend for insight & support, we empower ourselves to take ownership of our own lives, which ultimately allows us to make wiser & healthier choices. When we are our own best friend, we challenge ourselves for ourselves, and for no one else.
Empowering ourselves empowers others
But, actually, we are also doing it for others. Ignoring the voices in our heads, in our culture, and maybe even in our families, that say ‘self care is selfish’ can require huge resolve & trust. For those who have been used to putting their own health (physical, mental, or emotional), needs, & aspirations at the bottom of the list, and instead have been prioritizing busy-ness, making others happy, keeping the peace, & avoiding rejection, choosing self care can be a very rebellious act.
When we treat ourselves with kindness, dignity, & care, when we give ourselves permission to passionately pursue our own dreams & goals, even if they don’t fit society’s expectations of what we ‘should’ do, & when we trust in ourselves enough to let go of negative reinforcement, we let everyone, including every child (& everyone’s inner child) know that regardless of who they are & what their circumstances are, that they can do the same: they can believe in themselves & trust in their own light.
If any of the ideas I offer here resonate with you, I invite you to click here to receive the 5 Day Introduction to Fully Embodied Living. Each day includes guided stretching, breath practice, meditation, & support for intuitive eating & personal growth.
Wishing everyone a safe, peaceful & joyous new year.
Tracy Renee Stafford, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine Tracy Renee Stafford is a coach in Fully Embodied Fitness — a weave of yoga, pilates, dance, & functional exercise – and in Fully Embodied Living based on 4 Pillars of Well-Being: Connection to Body, Nourishment, Presence & Growth. Her mission is to help people discover how they can make self-care a celebration, rather than an obligation, & enjoy the body for how it feels, rather than just for how it performs or looks. She ran her own studio in the Canadian Prairies heartland for 20 very rewarding years – where she taught various forms of fitness, with a specific interest in injury prevention & rehabilitation and empowering students with information on HOW the body works best. She is a Mindful Movement, Holistic Living & Nutrition Coach, weaving together all of her expertise into her Fully Embodied Living Programs. She currently lives in Buenos Aires and keeps her passion for dance alive by studying Argentine Tango.
