Written by: Brent Lowe, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
As a feedback tool, personal retrospectives work well, until they don't. The problem: ruinous empathy. Author Kim Scott coined the term as part of her Radical Candor feedback model. Ruinous empathy occurs at the intersection of two feedback behaviors. The first: a deep desire to maintain personal relationships and not “rock the boat.” The second: failing to say what needs to be said.
The likelihood of ruinous empathy showing up in a personal retrospective is high. We have been programmed since childhood. If we don't have anything nice to say, we shouldn’t say anything at all. This is especially true when more than two people meet and social dynamics kick in.
"I don't want to embarrass this person in front of others."
"I'm concerned I'll hurt their feelings."
"If I avoid saying hard things in their personal retrospective, they'll do the same for me."
"I don't have the energy for a difficult conversation today."
"Who am I to pass judgment?"
For a business to survive and thrive, it requires feedback loops—information flowing through the team so the team can adapt. The best feedback loops occur when individuals notice and share patterns. For better or worse, specific actions influence a team’s results and need to be named. It's not a nice-to-have. It's critical. When we fail to say what needs to (or should) be said, everyone loses.
Here are five tips for getting over the "avoidance" hurdle. Use one or more of these tips to have the healthiest, most productive personal retrospectives possible.
Tip 1: Start the meeting with the right intention
Consider using your own version of the following script at the beginning of each personal retrospective. "As we kick off this personal retrospective, let's commit to sharing our thoughts openly, honestly, respectfully and completely so we all learn and get better. I’m saying this first and foremost as a reminder to myself. Ready to do our best in caring about each other while also saying what needs to be said? Awesome! Let’s dive in."
Tip 2: Set a challenge
Stepping into difficult conversations is easier for some than it is for others. Consider challenging every participant to say–in a respectful, caring way–at least one thing that makes them a bit uncomfortable. Perhaps it’s something they think will be difficult for others to hear. Maybe it’s exposing a personal vulnerability.
Here’s a script to help you get started. “Let’s think of each of us as having one or two poker chips. The aim is for each of us to get rid of our chips before the conversation ends. To get rid of a chip, we need to say something challenging or uncomfortable–in a respectful way–with the desire of making our team function better.”
Tip 3: Prepare to receive feedback
Take a moment to remind everyone (yourself included) how to receive feedback. Being a good receiver starts with a willing mindset–an openness to personal discovery. Good receivers show gratitude for new information, even when they don’t agree with the feedback. They ask for what they need–more clarity, examples, or time to process. Lastly, they commit to thinking through the feedback and taking appropriate action.
Tip 4: Make it safe
We humans come wired to be tribal. If we feel our position or status in our tribe is at risk, we become fearful and defensive. When delivering tough messages, start by making the recipients feel safe... and do so without avoiding what needs to be said. Use phrases like: "I want to share an observation because I care about you / this team / our work together, and I hope it will be helpful." or "I valued your contributions on project ABC and see ways we can work better together next time." or "I want to see us all succeed together and have something to share–that's uncomfortable for me to say–in hopes that we can all benefit."
Tip 5: Use a trained facilitator
For personal retrospectives that are likely to include difficult conversations, consider asking for the support of a trained facilitator. Facilitators create a safe space for all involved while staying out of problem-solving mode. Building facilitation skills on your team is a worthwhile investment. Until those skills are adequately established, engaging outside practitioners is a good alternative.
Tip 6: Take it offline
Sometimes saying difficult things in a larger group is inappropriate or too hard. Immediately after the personal retro is over, speak with the person in question. "I have one more insight I'd like to share with you and didn't feel comfortable saying it in the larger group. Can I share it with you now?”
Practice
I've been through many personal retrospectives that were smooth, respectful, and helpful. That's the norm. And sometimes difficult topics need covering. Practice leaning into the discomfort with care, respect, and curiosity. See what you learn.
Share this article before every personal retrospective. Use it as a helpful reminder for all involved.
Brent Lowe, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Brent is a leading performance coach helping founders show up as their best selves within thriving, purpose-driven teams. As the Scale Coach for Founder CEOs, Brent works with entrepreneurs and leaders who are growing the size and impact of their businesses to tackle local and global challenges. He is also the lead coach at BASE Associates, a premiere provider of support to early-stage businesses, and co-author of Lead Together: The bold, brave and intentional path to scaling your business. Brent's purpose is to accelerate positive progress in the world, one leader, one conversation, one aspiration at a time
