Written by: Bridget Richard, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Being a perfectionist is bad for you. Now you may be asking me, “Bridget, what are you talking about?”
Well, think about it.
What comes to mind when you think of a perfectionist? Are they good things? Positive things?
Anne Lamott said a really good quote: “Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor, the enemy of the people who will keep you cramped and insane your whole life.”
How many times have you heard someone say “I'm such a perfectionist!” The manner in which they say it is often with pride. They wear it as a title or a badge of honor. But I can't understand why people would think perfectionism is something that we really should be pleased about. Perfectionists are often ones that will cry themselves to sleep over a mistake they’ve done or mulling over embarrassing situations that have happened from years ago and the people who were involved have forgotten about it.
How many would-be-novelists are out there with books halfway completed because they never can get their own writing good enough to satisfy them. They may even think that no one will find the book readable.
Holly Hunter played a character in the 1980s brought classic Broadcast news her character Jane is not only hard drive, and she's smart. She's engaging. She's an absolute perfectionist. But that perfectionism is what makes her life as a Washington bureau network news producer challenging now remember, on one hand, she is insanely talented. She's got the gumption, right. But on the other hand, she's, she's stressed to her breaking point. And she is a pain to work with.
There's a scene in the 1980s classic Broadcast News where Jane, the main character, ends up arguing with her boss over which colleague should present a breaking news story. Jane, being a perfectionist, insists that her choice is the only option that truly makes sense and is viable. Her boss makes a comment that it must be nice to be the one always thinking she knows best. But Jane responds in a weird way. She whispers, “No, it's awful.”
There is a difference between striving for excellence and striving for perfectionism. Think of it this way: one is an asset while the other is a handicap. You often hear the phrase “Strive for excellence.” You want to excel. You want to do well.
No one ever says I want to strive for perfectionism. Perfectionists are always thought of with a negative connotation. Oh, well, she's a perfectionist. Translation: she’s difficult to work with.
Perfectionists are people with a higher-than-normal standard. They are people who like to be right, are ultra-competitive, and feel the need to win.
So, what are perfectionists and are they all the same?
We tend to lump many things together under the perfectionist label, different kinds of personalities, different kinds of behaviors, and character traits. But really what is a perfectionist? According to Merriam Webster, the true medical definition is: “a disposition to regard anything short of perfection. As unacceptable, especially the setting of unrealistic demanding goals, accompanied by a disposition to regard failure to achieve them as acceptable, as unacceptable, and a sign of personal worthlessness.”
Keywords to pick out here are “unrealistically demanding.” What I'm saying is having high expectations and high standards is fine. Striving for high quality or quality of the substance is admirable and we need more people like that in the world.
But the expectation of nothing short of flawless, faultless perfection or outcome every single time is truly unrealistic. When there is a failure to meet one's own impossibly high standards there is a sense of personal worthlessness. With this in mind, it's clear to see why being a true perfectionist is as terrible as Jane had said.
Are you a perfectionist? You could be. Whether it's a problem or not seems to be a matter of debate.
Mental health professionals can't quite seem to come to an agreement on the terms. What makes a perfectionist good? What makes it bad? There are people that believe that perfection can be motivational. They can help push someone to truly reach for excellence. Others say that any level of perfectionism is problematic. On the far end of the spectrum, the best case would be to have these tendencies to lean toward a high standard which would result in a person regularly being productive.
On the opposite side of the spectrum is the worst-case scenario: expecting nothing short of perfection from yourself which can have painful psychological side effects.
Now, think of it this way. Perfectionism could be a problem if you can't take any criticism. Perfectionists tend to react negatively to criticism because they equate that criticism with failure and, in turn, failure with worthlessness. Perfectionists often internalize their feelings by beating themselves up, or they might externalize themselves by becoming defenseless and lashing out at the person giving them a critique. Now, this isn't talking about a criticism where it's deconstructive. It could be a constructive criticism too. Your boss may pull you into a meeting to give you some pointers on your job performance. If you’re a perfectionist, you may not respond so well to that. In that kind of situation, perfectionists may feel defensive because they take pride in their work. They want to do good work because they want to do high quality, perfect work.
They are critical of others. Perfectionists can’t take criticism, but they will often try to dish it out. They do this because they not only hold themselves to these unrealistic high expectations, but others as well. Perfectionists may also not want to delegate any tasks because they fear no one is capable of getting it done right like they can.
They procrastinate. Now, procrastination is something most people do. You know, a kid in high school, waits until the last minute to study and tries to cram for an exam because he was busy playing video games the night before. An office worker decides to take time to go get drinks with coworkers rather than staying late to get a project done.
Perfectionists are different. They are so desperate to get a project to be perfect that they can't seem to make themselves get started on the project. Or to even keep going if they have started.
Perfectionists expect to be instantly good at things. Perfectionists tend to expect a high level of competency from themselves right off the bat. Regardless of what it is. And instead of practice making perfect., perfectionists will often give up on something.
They are often driven by fear of failure rather than a desire for success. Over-achievers tend to reach towards goals because they're driven by the desire to succeed. Perfectionists are different. They push themselves because they fear how others will perceive them.
With the perfectionist, it's either their way or the highway. They tend to like things a certain way. These are the types of individuals that will reorganize the pantry after someone puts things away or they criticize coworkers who misspell something in an email. To the perfectionist, this is detrimental. It must be perfect, and it must be a certain way.
Many perfectionists, if not all, believe that they can achieve a true sense of happiness once they achieve perfection. But because no one is perfect, the perfectionist is never really happy. They constantly worry about things like failing to meet a deadline, failing to reach these impossibly high standards they've set for themselves that can lead to health problems such as eating disorders, anxiety, anxiety disorders or adjustment disorders, depression. There's even some evidence to show that perfectionists have a shorter lifespan because of the amount of stress they put on themselves and their bodies!
Experts have identified two different types of perfectionism. One is identified as good and the other as…not so good. There are those perfectionists who try their best and expect themselves and others to do well. But they treat failures as a learning opportunity rather than indicators of any inferiority. Those are the good kind of perfectionists. These are the achievers with high standards of excellence. These are the ones that are truly driven. They learn from their mistakes, and they use them as a stepping stone. They keep getting up to go to the next step and the next step and so on and so forth.
Remember, there is nothing wrong with setting high expectations and high goals. But shooting for perfection should be something that causes you to feel inspired, not anxious. Research has shown people who are motivated by a desire to please or impress others perform worse than those who simply set ambitious goals for themselves.
You may want to consider possibly discarding those impossibly high expectations and working towards finding yourself good enough, and leave perfect precision to machines.
Bridget Richard, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Bridget Richard, MA, LISW-S is a Social Worker and Life Coach with 20+ years of experience in the field of mental health. In her work, she is passionate about helping with women to conquer feelings of anxiety and depression caused by burnout. She helps her clients move from being too frustrated and overwhelmed to enjoy life to focused, empowered, and re-energized. Bridget enjoys bringing her message of self-love and determination to virtual and live venues everywhere. She has been featured in the Women's Journal as a "Person You Want to Know" and regularly contributes to Thrive, Medium, and Brainz Magazine. To learn more about working with Bridget schedule your free discovery call at https://calendly.com/bridgetsrichard/freeconsult.
