Written by Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact of perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce.
Through extensive personal inner work and research on studies spanning over 25 years on perfectionism, I have come to understand the deep-seated connection between perfectionism and narcissism.
The perfectionism with good intentions
Perfectionists are individuals with unrealistically high standards impervious to the current situation. Their standards can apply to themselves and others, often exerting significant effort to be the best despite the odds. Perfectionists describe their process as a force to be reckoned with their willpower to complete the task is unparalleled. During that process, the overall feeling is you’re either with them or against them. Narcissism similarly consists of lofty goals and unrealistic demands, grandiosity, perceived superiority, highly self-focused, entitlement, and showing off perfection, at all costs. You can see how perfectionism can easily blend into narcissism if left to its own devices.
Perfectionists often see themselves as well-intentioned and helpful, offering advice to improve the lives of their loved ones. They meticulously research, think ahead, and anticipate every possible pitfall. They share this information, believing it’s the key to solving others’ problems. However, this well-meaning approach often carries an underlying message: “I know better than you.” This attitude can create a sense of indebtedness as if others owe them for the effort and support they provide.
The pitfall of unsolicited advice
Perfectionists believe that a little advice won't hurt anyone, without considering that people may think differently than them and that is okay. Unsolicited advice can damage relationships rather than help. It is a breach of boundaries and trust in vulnerability. People may think twice about sharing their concerns with someone with high perfectionistic tendencies if that information can be used against them later on or if they may feel coerced to act in a certain way to “fix” the problem without taking into consideration other factors that may be blocking their desire to move forward.
Many perfectionists admit they expect the same or higher level of support in return but often feel disappointed and unappreciated. They tend to attract people who "take advantage of their niceness," reinforcing their belief that their efforts go unrecognized. They may impose unrealistically high demands on others knowing well that they will never be able to reach them. When others don’t heed their advice, perfectionists may react angrily or withdraw their attention, adopting an “I told you so” stance. The desire to be right often overshadows compassion, leading to strained relationships rife with an imbalance of power. Both parties feel uncomfortable, yet unknowingly they are participating in an imbalanced relationship where one is always leading and the other is always following. These relationships tend to be utilitarian or control-based with an altruistic facade of being helpful for the other’s sake.
For parents and romantic partners, this is particularly challenging. Parents often believe they know best, but could they leave the details to the child? Instead of nagging or forcing, seeing things from the child’s perspective can create more effective and lasting change. It also opens up intimate conversations about likes and dislikes, plans, and concerns about the future.
Similarly, trying to perfect your romantic partner can feel like boundary transgression. People change only when they want to. Even then, it's their journey. Efforts to “help” by perfecting often lead to feelings of inadequacy.
The narcissistic element
If your intentions are good, does that absolve you from the impact of your actions? Perfectionists often justify their unsolicited advice by believing the ends justify the means. They think their advice can create a better outcome, even if it makes others feel inadequate. They hope their well-meaning intentions will make it easier for others to accept their guidance.
Perfectionism is a way to feel important in the lives of others. Yet, this inner desire for intimacy, when expressed through unsolicited advice, often pushes people away. The perfectionist believes that becoming more perfect will earn trust and respect, but instead, they receive rejection or numb acceptance. This can lead to even higher standards and greater self-righteousness. Ultimately, the individual donning the perfectionist mask seems so far removed from everyone else because they don’t show their vulnerabilities or mistakes made. They are harder to relate to, often admired or vilified, but difficult to connect with on deeper levels.
The path forward
As the saying goes, “We can commit atrocious acts in the name of love.” But can we say the same about respect? If you respect someone, would you trespass on their right to be, think, feel, or act for themselves because you think you know better? If your goal is to improve their situation, could you allow them to figure it out on their own or wait for them to ask for advice?
The irony is that even though the individual with narcissistic and perfectionistic tendencies has a deep-seated desire to connect to others, to find this elusive idea of love and make it a reality, their actions to reach that goal keep reaching love as elusive and effervescent. So. How does it change?
Is there any hope?
Yes. The change comes when there’s a stalemate and the perfectionist shifts their attention and energy to “fix” others unto themselves and begins to inquire - Who am I without fixing others to make them more to my liking? Who am I without striving for more? Who am I in the space between the desire to do more and be better and just being? This is deep, emotional, intentional, and expansive work. It’s the only way to even out the playing field to more optimistic outcomes, based on reality, not magical thinking.
Understanding the link between perfectionism and narcissism can help perfectionists become more aware of their impact on others. We can build healthier, more supportive relationships by embracing respect and allowing others to learn from their experiences. Let’s strive for progress, not perfection, and respect the unique paths of those around us.
Start today
If you find that you’re involved in these dynamics. It is perfectly fine to ask for guidance and extremely difficult to do it on your own. Perfectionists are great at justifying their actions and it is challenging to see past your blind spots without the help of someone who has been there and researched how to get out of it. You deserve to live a life with enjoyable relationships.
Read more from Eva Benmeleh
Eva Benmeleh, Licensed Clinical Psychologist
Dr. Eva Benmeleh focuses on the multifaceted impact perfectionism on individuals and their relationships. She is a clinical psychologist in private practice, educator on maternal mental health and perfectionism, and author of the book Sun and Moon Love Cloud: A book about divorce. She is committed to unraveling the polarities in pefectionism integrating the striving for personal growth with harmoious flow. She is committed to working with individuals open to compassionate yet astute feedback, expanding their awareness and making profound changes to the quality of their lives.
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