Lark Ericson is on a mission to help shy and socially awkward people embrace their authentic selves and confidently navigate any social situation without fear of rejection or embarrassment. Lark understands that dating and networking can be daunting for those who aren't naturally outgoing or confident.
In a world overflowing with information, we find ourselves just trying to keep our heads above water, perpetually caught in the crossfire of data and dilemmas. It's exhausting, but a part of our survival as individuals is to make sense of our world, so we have to give situations that arise meaning. It's a daily balancing act to maintain order amidst the chaos, and at the most fundamental level, our unconscious mind is perpetually asking: What does it all mean? And, of course, the follow-up: What does this say about me?
Unconsciously, we ask ourselves these questions about everything. If you choose a burger instead of a salad, does that mean you are extra hungry today or are you failing at your health goals? When someone smiles at you, are they just being nice, or do they like you romantically?
Depending on the meaning you attach to anything, you can either have a positive or negative experience. Our thoughts, moods, and lives inevitably follow the arbitrary meaning we assign to any situation. Here's a simple test to identify the areas in your life where you are assigning incorrect meanings. Where in your life do you feel shittiest? Seriously, it’s that easy.
But it’s a lot harder to change your perspective and your life once you recognize that you might be part of the problem. First, you have to get good at recognizing your weak spots and then actually practice reframing your automatic thoughts.
It’s likely that there are a few areas in your life where you feel insecure but for this article, I’ll focus on relationships. Here are a few examples of relationship insecurities that my clients have shared, along with how to break them down to separate the situation from its meaning.
Situation 1
You texted a friend a few days ago but you haven’t heard back yet.
The meaning you’re giving to the situation: Your friend is busy and has more important things to do.
What you are making this mean about yourself: Your friend doesn’t like you anymore and is ghosting you.
Reality: You don't know
Situation 2
You had a great date and even shared a goodnight kiss, but planning another date has been difficult.
The meaning you’re giving to the situation: This person is dating a lot or didn’t actually have fun on your date.
What you are making this mean about yourself: This person isn’t interested in you.
Reality: You don't know
Situation 3
Your partner has been on their phone a lot more than usual.
The meaning you’re giving to the situation: These are signs of cheating.
What you are making this mean about yourself: They don’t love you anymore.
Reality: You don't know
You might be thinking, “But I did have that experience, and the person was cheating on me, ghosting me, or whatever, so why shouldn’t I believe that is the case now?”
There are two reasons why you should take each situation as it’s own unique experience: past experiences do not dictate the future, and since you don’t know what is really going on, why give it a terrible meaning that is just going to make you feel worse?
For the majority of my life, I had low self-esteem, so I painted every situation to fit that narrative. In any situation where I felt the slightest bit dejected, I would make it mean that I wasn’t likable and too weird to make friends. I spent years causing far more damage to my psyche with the things I would say to myself than the perceived slights from others ever could.
But now I know so many tools to help me sort these thoughts out. So again, I ask you to take a look at your life and find the areas where you feel the shittiest. It hurts to do it, but it gets you to the heart of the matter. This exercise will help you gain control of your thoughts and emotions. At first, it might be beneficial to write down your thoughts and emotions so you can observe the process in action, but eventually, it will become automatic.
When a situation happens and those hurtful thoughts and feelings come in, write down the situation objectively. Don't include any emotions or thoughts, just the facts of the situation. “She didn’t text me back.”.
Then write down all of the ways it makes you feel, as well as what you think it means about you. "I feel like a loser, and she's not interested in seeing me again."
Then take each one of those thoughts and write down what might really be going on. “I am great, but maybe I’m just not the right person for her. Maybe she is interested but is working and can’t text back.”.
Then, let the calmness of knowing You don't know settle over you.
Another simple question I ask myself when I find I’m assuming the worst is, “Do I know that’s true?” So if I’m concerned that someone is mad at me because they haven’t texted me back, I’m thinking that person doesn’t like me anymore, but do I know that’s true? Almost every single time, what I am thinking when I’m thinking the worst about myself isn't true.
Let the situation breathe and transpire; however, it’s going to play out without your chaotic thoughts and emotions interfering. Don’t make matters worse by making up terrible stories that are only going to hurt yourself more. By practicing this regularly, you will gain control over your thoughts and emotions, changing your perspective. And if you change your perspective, you change your life.
If you're interested in working with Lark to create healthy, fulfilling relationships while increasing your emotional intelligence and confidence, reach out today for a free consultation and start your journey toward stronger connections and a more fulfilling life.
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Lark Ericson, Relationship & Confidence Coach
Lark Ericson is on a mission to help shy and socially awkward people embrace their authentic selves and confidently navigate any social situation without fear of rejection or embarrassment. Lark understands that dating and networking can be daunting for those who aren't naturally outgoing or confident. Having once avoided socializing due to her own fear of rejection, Lark learned to embrace her "weirdness" and thrive in social settings, achieving success in both love and business. Now known for her confidence and ability to easily initiate conversations, Lark wants to teach others how to ignite their own socializing superpowers.
