Written by: Betsy White, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
The quote below this gorgeous picture my sister took is a fascinating one to apply to the role of parenting. In my experience supporting parents, I frequently notice parents trying to keep their kids from making mistakes or poor choices ‒ what might seem like wild windstorms! Whether these choices are with friends, school, or other areas of life, it seems most parents believe it is their job to shield their kids from mistakes. As adults, our outside perspectives and experiences help us see the impact of our choices more quickly than for kids. But when parents decide to keep kids from making their own choices, they are not helping them be confident or resilient to face the storms of life!
“If you shield a mountain from the windstorms, you’ll never see the beauty of the carvings.” ‒ Elizabeth Kubler-Ross
Here are choices kids make that most adults try to shield them from:
friend choices
procrastinating
feeling anxious or overwhelmed with decisions
disorganization
choosing to skip opportunities
minimal effort
failing
When parents try to protect their kids from making these perceived mistakes, the focus on the actual choices and the natural consequences gets lost. Instead, this critical parent-child relationship is damaged. Feelings of animosity, anger, or being smothered build when kids feel unable to make choices – or mistakes!
Having a positive, healthy relationship with your child, where making mistakes is acknowledged as okay and necessary, is where kids thrive and parents can breathe easier! Here are a few keys to healthy relationships:
strong boundaries
good communication
consistency
mutual respect
compromise
trust
taking responsibility
compassion
Love
That type of healthy relationship does not simply happen; it takes time and conscious effort. It is less likely to occur if the main focus is on keeping kids from making mistakes or protecting them from the windstorms of life!
Kids need parents to walk beside them, guide them, believe in them, inspire and cheer them on and be willing to help them up when they fall. And they WILL fall ‒ if you let them! These experiences build resilience and confidence in kids so they know someone has my back, they can do it, mistakes happen and we bounce back, and mostly, perfection is not the answer.
Too often, parents’ fear of judgment from others, themselves, or wanting to fit in with other parents dictates decision-making. No parent wants their child to be hurt, taken advantage of, miss opportunities, or suffer harsh consequences because of their choices. But this is how kids learn best – from their choices and even mistakes. The very windstorms parents try to shelter kids from are what kids need to help them learn valuable life lessons.
We start telling kindergarteners mistakes are okay and a part of learning. The younger kids are when they learn how to bounce back from mistakes, the better! But at some point, parents shift to wanting to keep kids from making mistakes. Many kids have told me they try to be perfect to keep their parents happy. Kids feel their parents smother them when it comes to making choices. They do not believe their parents ARE okay if they make mistakes. One kiddo shared that after she made a mistake packing dance clothes she was told, “Next time, try not to forget.” This further reinforced what she believed – that she was not enough, not only for herself but also for her mom. She was learning that mistakes were not okay.
These experiences lead kids down many paths, like needing to be perfect, anxiety, lacking trust in self or parents, anger, resistance, giving up, self-doubt, and lack of confidence. In my experience, I can also tell you kids attach being loved by parents to not making mistakes. This is a super difficult mindset to overcome.
Kids will make mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. Yes, this can lead to unfortunate circumstances. Nobody is free from experiences they look back on and wish they had decided something different. But each of us is a product of the many windstorms we have faced that shape us into who we are today! Like windstorms lead to beauty, so does learning from our mistakes!
I invite parents to take some time to reflect on how often you allow your kids to face the windstorms of life; so they can create inner and outer beauty and strength through choices and mistakes made!
Mountains are resilient and solid, despite the carvings strong winds have left on them. I believe kids who face difficult choices with the love, guidance, and support of parents create an inner strength that allows them to be strong, brave, and resilient. In our world, kids need these to face all life presents and to believe they can move mountains to reach their dreams! But first, they need to have weathered a few storms in order to build that strength, resilience, and belief in themselves.
Consider letting your kids face some windstorms (with your love!) and make some mistakes. It does not mean you are not a good parent when this happens. It means you understand the power and beauty that only making mistakes can lead kids to recognize.
Betsy White, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Betsy White is a Certified Holistic Life Coach and speaker supporting kids, parents and teachers to be empowered, confident and connected.
Having navigated childhood trauma, low self-esteem, numerous health issues, and dysfunctional systems at home and school, Betsy has dedicated her life to supporting kids, and the adults in their lives, navigating stress, anxiety, overwhelm and lack of purpose.
She draws on her expertise in psychology, human development, education, mindfulness and spirituality while using her extensive and diverse experience to guide clients to own their value, speak their truth, live their unique purpose, heal relational dynamics and create inner peace and resilience. In an ever-changing, technology and social media-focused world, she empowers people to turn inward to their true source of wisdom.
Betsy is the founder of The Life Coach 4 Kids, offering intensive family, parent and teacher programs, presentations and group experiences. People are transformed through the connection, love, intuitive insights, experience and soul journey Betsy guides them to take.
