Written by Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other.
Parenting isn’t about control, compliance, or managing behavior. It’s about guiding a soul through the messy, beautiful wilderness of life. It’s about connection—to yourself, your child, and the rhythms of the natural world.
But here’s the paradox: you can’t truly guide your child if you’ve never been guided yourself. If you’ve never learned to sit with your pain, to listen to the whispers of your own untended wounds, how can you hold space for theirs? Parenting, at its core, invites us to become the elders we never had, the ones capable of leading not with control but with wisdom and presence.
The unresolved legacy we inherit
In today’s world, many parents carry unresolved burdens. These include unmet childhood needs, societal pressures to perform or appear perfect, and the pervasive fear of failing. These unexamined wounds often fuel a reactive approach to parenting—an urge to control, fix, or force behavior as a way to alleviate discomfort.
Research underscores the impact of these dynamics: a 2021 study published in Child Development found that parents with unresolved emotional trauma were more likely to engage in controlling or punitive parenting practices. These behaviors, in turn, can contribute to increased anxiety and behavioral issues in children.
Another study from the Journal of Marriage and Family revealed that children whose parents prioritize emotional connection and self-regulation are 33% more likely to develop secure attachment styles, a key predictor of long-term emotional well-being.
True wisdom, by contrast, emerges not from perfection but from healing. It requires a willingness to dive into the roots of your own story, to reclaim the fragmented parts of yourself left behind in the wake of maturation, and to stand with integrity as both a guide and a companion to your children.
Becoming the elder
Becoming an elder—a true guide for the next generation—is not about achieving perfection. It’s about authenticity. It’s about letting go of the mask of “having it all together” and embracing the messy, uncomfortable, yet beautiful process of healing and growth.
This path asks us to slow down, to listen, and to honor the wildness within ourselves and our children. It invites us to see parenting as a journey of mutual discovery, where both parent and child navigate the unpredictable terrain of life. In this way, parenting becomes a profound spiritual practice, one that humbles, stretches, and transforms us.
To guide a child toward freedom—freedom to love, to feel deeply, and to live authentically—we must first find that freedom within ourselves.
Breaking the cycle as a parent
The cycle of perpetual adolescence—where emotional growth is stalled by unprocessed pain—ends with us. As parents, we are already shaping the next generation. The real question is: What legacy will we leave behind?
Will we pass down fear and rigidity, or will we hand over a blueprint for courage and connection? Will we model the importance of external achievement, or will we embody the power of inner healing?
The morning I realized I was rushing more than just time
It was a typical weekday morning, and we were already running late. I had a meeting to prepare for, emails to answer, and about a dozen other things swirling in my head. Meanwhile, my son was still sitting on the floor, struggling to put on his shoes.
“Hurry up, buddy,” I said, my voice tight.
“I’m trying,” he replied softly, his little hands fumbling with the laces.
But “trying” wasn’t cutting it for me at that moment. My frustration bubbled over. “We don’t have time for this! Just let me do it!” I snapped, grabbing the shoe from him and quickly tying it myself.
He looked up at me, startled, his eyes filling with tears. And in that instant, I saw myself—not the rushing, impatient adult I had become, but the little boy I used to be. The one who always felt like he was moving too slow, never quite enough, no matter how hard he tried.
I knelt down beside him, his tiny foot still in my hand. “I’m sorry,” I said, my voice softening. “I didn’t mean to rush you. You were doing your best, and I didn’t see that.”
His tears stopped, and he nodded, still quiet but willing to let me hug him.
We were late that morning, but it didn’t matter. As we walked out the door, I thought about how easy it is to transfer our anxieties onto our children, expecting them to move at the same breakneck pace we’ve set for ourselves. I realized that my rush wasn’t just about time—it was about control. About trying to force the world, and him, to bend to my schedule.
The truth is, life isn’t a series of deadlines to meet. It’s a rhythm to move with, a relationship to nurture. And my son wasn’t a box to check on my to-do list. He was a human being, learning and growing in his own time.
That morning taught me that parenting isn’t about efficiency or keeping everything on track. It’s about connection. It’s about being present enough to see the moment for what it is, not what you want it to be.
Since then, I’ve made it a point to slow down—not just for him, but for myself. Because if I can’t give myself grace, how can I extend it to him?
If this story resonates with you, you’re not alone. This journey of healing and growth is one we all must take if we’re to break the cycles of rushing, perfectionism, and control. My course, "Awaken the Father King: A Journey to Heal, Lead, and Thrive," was created to help fathers like us step into this work.
Because the legacy we leave isn’t about how punctual we were. It’s about how present we were. And that’s something worth slowing down for.
Research supports the importance of this work: according to the American Journal of Psychiatry, parents who actively engage in self-reflective practices are 40% more likely to reduce the transmission of intergenerational trauma. By doing this work, you not only transform your relationship with your children but also shape a legacy of healing and resilience for generations to come.
The wilderness of parenting awaits. Step into it with courage, and you may find that guiding your child is also a path to rediscovering your own soul. Learn more about the course here, and take the first step toward becoming the father—and the leader—you were meant to be.
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Read more from Mark W. Guay
Mark W. Guay, Men's Coach
Mark Guay is an Integral Certified Coach and IFS practitioner. He is the founder of Fathers Without Compromise, a group coaching program and community for business-owning dads to be great fathers and build a great business without compromising one or the other. As an adoptee and survivor of childhood domestic violence, he leads with this approach: To really change our lives, we must heal the past and embrace the unknown. To do this, we need self-accountability, the courage to take decisive action, a community of support, and trust that doors will appear, leading us on our path.
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