Written by: Sarah Waxman, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Self-awareness is a key ingredient for being a better parent. Let’s not go crazy and say a perfect parent because perfection doesn’t exist (my apologies to all my type 1s). Our goal as moms is to strive to be the best parent we can be for our kids and for each of our kids, separately. Once we truly know ourselves as human beings and step into our true and authentic selves (the person that we were born to be), we realize a new level of self-awareness. And we are able to be the mom that our children deserve. Because let’s face it, you were created to do incredible things. One of which was to be handpicked to mother your children—the greatest job of all.
And this is where the Enneagram can help.
The Enneagram is a self-discovery tool and, in my opinion, the best self-discovery tool. The Enneagram not only tells us and gives us insight into our personality, but it explains to us why we are the way that we are and why we do the things that we do. It’s fluid. It shows us where we go in stress, and it gives us a path to move forward towards growth, towards our true self. The Enneagram doesn’t just tell us our behaviors. It tells us our motivations behind our behaviors. For example, you may finish a project and do it to the best of your ability because you are a perfectionist (ahem, type 1s again). You want to be right, and you want to be good. Someone else may finish a project and do it to the best of their ability because they only feel loved when they produce or achieve (ahem, type 3s). They feel that they are loved for the things they do, not the person they are. They are driven by success and achievement.
This tool is wildly helpful in parenting because we can not only learn and understand why we do things, feel things, and think things, but we also begin to recognize what triggers us, what our perception of the world is and gain insight into the motivations of our children. If we are able to understand that one child is driven by needing to be needed (type 2s) and another is driven by wanting to maintain peaceful surroundings (type 9s), then we can respond to each one in a way that makes sense to them and makes them feel loved and valued in their own unique way.
Now, I need to make sure that we all understand that we absolutely, in no way, shape, or form type children. What we can do is understand each of the Enneagram types so we can see what tendencies our children display. We can respond to those tendencies and parent to those tendencies without labeling or giving our children a type. Telling our children that they are a specific type can be detrimental to their development.
For starters, discovering our Enneagram type is a journey that each of us should experience for ourselves. If we tell someone what type we think they are, not only are we taking away that personal journey of discovery, but we could be wrong. As much as we think we know a person, we don’t know their core desires and motivations.
Additionally, by telling a child what type you think they are, you are putting them into a box. You are taking away their opportunity to grow and blossom into the person they are meant to be. Each of us has all 9 types within us. Life shapes what type becomes our dominant personality. Children haven’t had enough life experiences to have a dominant type yet. Labeling it may keep them stuck. The correct path forward here is to consider a few different types for your children, respond appropriately, and keep that information to yourself.
One child may demonstrate tendencies of type 1, type 4, and type 6. As parents, we can dive in to better understand what drives those different types and utilize that information in our parenting, adding another layer of awareness.
So first things first, let’s figure out your type, momma. Then, we can take a closer look at what each type brings to the table and what children of each type need from their parents.
Type 1 - The Flawless mom
Type 1s are incredibly wonderful moms because they give their children firm boundaries, and they do everything they can to raise them to be responsible humans. They expect their children to be consistent, truthful, and moral, just like them.
Weaknesses: highlight mistakes and imperfections, inflexible, critical, perfectionistic, judgmental intolerant
Strengths: reliable, wise, honest, organized, ethical, moral, helps and corrects others
Type 1 moms struggle with playtime. They can find it difficult to take time to play with their children. Type 1s often have to be reminded to relax and take a breath. To them, there is always something that needs to be done, and they can’t rest or play until the work is finished.
Children of type 1s can feel pressure to be perfect and believe that they always have to do things correctly in order to be loved.
Type 1 - The Perfect Child
Type 1 children desire to be good boys and girls. They fear being bad or doing something incorrectly.
Type 1 children need their parents to understand that when they make a mistake or do something wrong, they are harder on themselves than you are on them.
Type 1 children need you to understand that criticizing them doesn’t help but instead makes them feel even worse.
Type 1 children are model children. They follow all of the rules and will often spend a lot of time and energy comparing themselves to others. This comparison game is one that will remain with them throughout their lives.
Type 1 children want to hear that they are good. They want to be told that they are doing a good job. They need to hear that they are loved, even when they make mistakes and that it’s okay to make mistakes.
Things a type 1 child may do:
Complete chores and clean up without needing a reminder
Give advice
Ask if he/she is a good boy/girl
Struggle to play with other kids
Get along with adults well
Feel like everything has to be perfect
Won’t try a new activity if he/she believes failure is a possibility
Type 2 - The Caring Mom
Type 2s are awesome moms because they are the epitome of nurturing and affectionate. They care, and they give their children a strong sense of confidence. They genuinely care about their children, and they are interested in what they have to say. These moms go out of their way to meet their kids’ needs, although this can cause them to forget their own.
Weaknesses: manipulative, people-pleasing, indirect, intrusive, possessive, unwilling to accept help.
Strengths: generous, supportive, considerate, hospitable, empathetic, compassionate, excellent listener
Children of type 2s can feel overwhelmed and burdened by the amount of help and assistance a type 2 mom provides, which can leave her feeling hurt, unneeded, and unwanted.
Type 2 - The Helpful Child
Type 2 children desire to be liked, wanted, and loved. They fear being unwanted, unloved, and unneeded.
Type 2 children need their parents to show them love even when they aren’t doing something for someone else.
Type 2 children believe that in order to receive, they must give first. Show them that they can receive affection without providing an act of service first.
Type 2 children want to please everyone. They believe their relationships are so important and fragile that they will try to maintain these relationships and win their friends and loved ones over by buying gifts or giving away their favorite things.
Type 2 children need to hear that they are appreciated, loved, and needed. They believe that they are only okay if they have close relationships and are loved by others. Help them to understand that their worth is not based on love and appreciation. Help them to understand that they are loved and appreciated for being who they are, not for the things they do for others.
Things a type 2 child may do:
Seek to be liked by coaches, teachers, and other authority figures
Put others first
Appear more sensitive than other children
Seem to know exactly what others need
Offer help, support, and advice to others
Take care of others
Appear to be very generous and genuine
Type 3 - The Cheerleader Mom
Type 3s are terrific moms because they raise hardworking children. They are optimistic and goal-oriented. They give one hundred percent to everything they do, including parenting. Type 3 moms are able to fit into any crowd or any scene because they have the ability to shapeshift into the person they need to be in any situation. The pitfall for a type 3 mom is the thought that they have to appear polished and successful wherever they go.
Weaknesses: deceitful, competitive, self-promoting, pretentious
Strengths: productive, efficient, ambitious, charming, confident, optimistic
Children of type 3s can feel like they are only loved because of what they do and the things they achieve, not because of who they are. This can cause a tremendous amount of stress because they will believe that they are only as good as their accomplishments which may put them in a position where they feel that they always have to be the best, they always have to win, or they always have to earn high grades.
Type 3 - The Popular Child
Type 3 children want to be valued, successful, and admired. They fear failure or being unsuccessful. They fear coming in second place.
Type 3 children need their parents to praise them and highlight their accomplishments, even when they don’t win or come in the first place. They need to hear that winning isn’t everything and that having fun is important, too.
Type 3 children need to be told that they are loved for who they are, not the things they achieve.
Type 3 children are high achievement seekers. Their accomplishments define their identity. They are very socially aware and may go against their own thoughts and feelings in order to fit in with the cool kids. This conformity may cause them to lose sight of who they truly are.
Things a type 3 child may do:
Strive to complete tasks successfully
Easily adapt to social situations
Make friends easily
Have a healthy self-esteem
Boast about their accomplishments
Take pride in their appearance
Want to be the center of attention
Type 4 - The Sensitive Mom
Type 4s are wonderful moms because they truly feel and care. They encourage their children to be creative and to express themselves. They bring depth to the parent-child relationship. Type 4 moms often question their values and can feel disconnected from their families at times.
Weaknesses: insecure, stubborn, withdrawn, dramatic, moody, temperamental
Strengths: authentic, creative, intuitive, refined, passionate, affectionate
Children of Type 4s can feel burdened by the extreme range of emotions and may believe that in order for them to be loved, they must prove that they are special and unique.
Type 4 - The Authentic Child
Type 4 children desire to be authentic and unique. They fear being plain, unoriginal, and the same as everyone else.
Type 4 children want to stand out in some way.
Type 4 children need their parents to understand that sometimes they need time to process their emotions, and they don't necessarily want or need to be cheered up.
Type 4 children need to be told it’s okay to be vulnerable and that they are allowed to express themselves and how they are feeling. Tell them that being vulnerable is not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength. Type 4 children want to belong. They want to fit in, but they don’t know how. They believe that something is missing or something is wrong with them. The last thing they want is to be compared to someone else. Parents, hold off on the “why can’t you be more like so and so” or “why can’t you do this like so and so,” comments.
Let them know that they are loved for exactly who they are and that it’s okay for them to be happy and successful.
This a type 4 child may do:
Appreciate nature
Feel like they don’t fit in
Stand out from the crowd
Envy others
Talk too much or be too honest
Compare themselves to others
Enjoy being creative
Type 5 - The Perceptive Mom
Type 5s are incredible moms because they are perceptive and innovative, and they constantly want to learn new things. They raise their children to ask questions, to be objective and wise, and to make educated decisions. Type 5 moms are familiar with feeling overwhelmed. They feel like the world is intrusive, so they are very private people. Type 5 moms have limited energy. This causes them to be very careful with where they focus their attention, preventing an empty energy tank.
Weaknesses: distant, detached, intense, withdrawn, secretive, stubborn
Strengths: wise, innovative, calm, observant, skillful, curious, competent, predictable
Type 5 moms can be emotionally distant. This can cause their children to question their bond or wonder how much they are loved.
Type 5 - The Observant Child
Type 5 children desire to know and understand everything. They fear having their privacy invaded or losing all of their energy.
Type 5 children need their parents to understand that they don’t have as much stored energy as everyone else. They wake up with lower battery life than everyone else. Time alone is much needed and helps them to recharge. Type 5 children would much rather observe than participate. They want you to understand that just because they want to be alone doesn’t mean they are upset, angry, or frustrated with you … they just want to be alone. It really is that simple.
Type 5 children are typically quiet. They want to be able to take care of themselves. They know much more than they let on. They have a love-hate relationship with the school. They enjoy learning, but sometimes the social aspect can be draining.
They need to hear that their needs are important and not a burden on others. Type 5s tend to minimize their needs and protect their resources (time and energy).
Things a type 5 child may do:
Prefer to play alone
Struggle with social behaviors and social cues
Appear to be shy and introverted
Avoid crowds
Take things apart to see how they work
Ask a lot of questions
Struggle when receiving attention
Type 6 - The Committed Mom
Type 6s are fabulous moms because they are trustworthy and dependable. They raise obedient and responsible children. They feel that the world is a dangerous place and are super protective of their children. They can often assume the worst, which can ultimately project their fears and insecurities onto their children. Type 6 moms are loyal and will do everything they can to keep their children safe.
Weaknesses: defensive, indecisive, rigid, skeptical, anxious, suspicious
Strengths: supportive, compassionate, trustworthy, loyal, reliable, steady, likable
Children of type 6 moms can develop anxiety when their mom unknowingly projects worry and anxiety onto them. This worry can trickle down and become their worry.
Type 6 - The Questioning Child
Type 6 children desire to have support, and they want to be safe and secure. They fear not having support or guidance or feeling unsafe.
Type 6 children need their parents to understand that they are okay with having their mistakes corrected, but please do so gently and privately. They don’t want to be called out in front of others. They don’t want their mistakes exposed. They also don’t want to be micromanaged. If you give them clear, direct, and concise directions, let them do their thing and support them in the background. They know what they are doing.
Type 6 children are very measured and hesitant. Authority figures love type 6 children because they are good listeners and they will follow the rules. They are careful, and they will watch before joining in to make sure the activity is safe. They lack self-confidence and have a difficult time receiving compliments or encouragement.
Let them know that they are safe and secure. Let them know that they are protected and will be taken care of. Let them know that they don’t need to worry and that they can trust themselves and others.
Things a type 6 child may do:
Argue
Struggle to make a decision and seek advice from others
Constantly worry and ask “what if” questions
Demonstrate nervous behaviors
Engage in behaviors and activities to get others to like them
Seem to be loyal to others
Feel that they mess things up
Type 7 - The Adventurous Mom
Type 7s are amazing moms because they are energetic, optimistic, and always looking for a family adventure. They want to expose their children to every opportunity and experience available. They see life as an opportunity to have endless adventures, and they expect their kids to be able to keep up.
Weaknesses: not fully present, impulsive, restless, impatient, over-extended, noncommittal
Strengths: fun-loving, confident, charming, curious, passionate, optimistic, adventurous
Children of type 7 moms can feel like the adventures and experiences are more important than they are. Type 7 moms can overschedule and go, go, go, causing their children to believe that they are only loved if they are having fun.
Type 7 - The Wild Child
Type 7 children desire to have fun, to be happy, and to live life to the fullest. They fear being bored or having to deal with their emotions.
Type 7 children may try to make a joke or do something silly during a serious event or conversation to lighten the mood and ease the tension. They don’t like to feel painful emotions or sit with their feelings. They need their parents to understand that they aren’t trying to be disrespectful. They are trying to cope with their emotions in their own way.
Type 7 children feel that they are on their own. If no one else will help them, they will help themselves. Because of this, they dive deep into their imagination and plan exciting adventures and experiences. They imagine a life where they don’t have to deal with painful emotions or scary situations.
Let them know that they will always be taken care of, regardless of the circumstances. Encourage them to enjoy the present moment because type 7 children are always planning and thinking about the next thing. They miss out on a lot because they are rarely in the moment.
Things a type 7 child may do:
Try new things
Enjoy being the center of attention
Make friends easily
Appear to be upbeat most of the time
Have a hard time sitting still
Avoid difficult conversations or situations
Leave things incomplete to jump at a new opportunity
Type 8 - The Confident Mom
Type 8s are terrific moms because they allow their children to feel safe and protected. They are assertive and protective. They love their children more than anything and will do whatever it takes to help them find success. They are guarded and constantly have a wall up to minimize vulnerability and the possibility of betrayal.
Weaknesses: controlling, rigid, confrontational, skeptical, vengeful, explosive
Strengths: honest, strong, decisive, protective, empowering, bold, compassionate, resilient
Children may feel controlled, intimidated, or belittled by their type 8 mom. The type 8 mom can be blunt, confrontational, domineering, and cynical, which can create space for their family and friends to question how they truly feel about their loved ones.
Type 8 - The Protective Child
Type 8 children desire to be in control and to be strong and protective of themselves and others. They fear being challenged, controlled, or manipulated.
Type 8 children believe that only the strong survive. You either lead .. or you follow, and these children will not be followers. They don’t necessarily have to be the person in control, but they won’t be controlled by others. They want their parents to understand that they are fully capable of being independent. They trust themselves more than they trust most adults. They are able to live up to the challenges presented to them. They want their parents to understand that they understand the rules and limits placed upon them, but their motive behind following the rules is not to please but to be rewarded with more freedom because they can handle it. Let them know that they will not be betrayed. Let them know that they can trust and look up to important adults in their life.
Let them know that it’s okay to show some vulnerability from time to time and that expressing how they feel does not make them weak.
Things a type 8 child may do:
Enjoy being around babies and animals
Struggle to show their emotions
Figure out how to get what they want
Demonstrate leadership qualities
Stand up for themselves and others
Enjoy confrontation
Appear to be very confident
Type 9 - The Easygoing Mom
Type 9s are wonderful moms because they accept their children for who they are. They are warm and gentle, and free from judgment. They can see all points of view, so they make great mediators. They avoid conflict and want to create a harmonious space for their children. They want their children to lead peaceful lives and feel that everyone deserves to be respected. Sometimes, they can shut off their feelings and tune out their own dreams and thoughts if it goes against what someone else wants.
Weaknesses: forgetful, passive-aggressive, resentful, stubborn, indecisive, obsessive
Strengths: patient, pleasant, stable, accepting, fair, supportive, caring, trusting
Type 9 moms can struggle to provide consistency for their children and can become emotionally unavailable to them. This can cause their children to feel dismissed and unimportant.
Type 9 - The Peaceful Child
Type 9 children desire to be free from conflict and to live in harmony. They fear confrontation and trouble in their relationships.
Type 9 children oftentimes don’t feel heard because they don’t speak up or give their opinion. They would much rather go with the flow to avoid having a different opinion or idea from someone else. Type 9 children want their parents to understand that they want to be seen and they want to be heard, but they also want to keep the peace and be accommodating. Type 9 children are very easy to be around. They tend to play the role of mediator because they are able to see both sides, but the last thing they want to do is pick a side.
Let them know that their presence matters and that their ideas, wants, and needs are important, even if they conflict with someone else's.
Things a type 9 child may do:
Avoid conflict and confrontation
Seem to be sweet and kind
Go with the flow
Tend to procrastinate
Get easily distracted
Enjoy being close to you
Rarely voice their opinion
The Enneagram can be incredibly helpful when it comes to parenting, but not because we type our children. It's helpful because we learn about who we are as parents. When we uncover our true identities and learn about our behaviors and motivations, we can better understand ourselves and how we view the world around us. This allows us to understand the perspectives of others, including our children. When we can parent them the way they want and need to be parented, the whole dynamic changes.
As parents, we can see patterns in our children's behaviors and learn about the tendencies they display and how they differ from our own. In the descriptions above, figure out the top three types that fit your child best. From there, learn about how your children view the world differently from you. Approach them differently by changing your messaging and your behavior. That will be one of the greatest gifts you can give to your children.
All in all, understanding who you are, momma, will greatly impact your family dynamics. Dads may be the head of the household, but moms are the heart.
Change begins with you, momma, and it trickles down from there.
Sarah Waxman, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sarah Waxman, AKA The EnneaMom, is a certified Enneagram coach, host of The SELF Aware Podcast, speaker, and creator of The SELF Aware Academy. She is on a mission to guide mommas on a self-awareness journey to discover who they truly are so they can connect with their families in ways they never dreamed of. Sarah utilizes the Enneagram in her coaching and training and shows mommas how to shed their false self and step into their true self, allowing them to become the version of themselves that their family deserves. The version of themselves that they were created to be.
