Written by: Sarah R. Moore, Guest Writer Brainz Magazine
Mind over matter — we've all heard it. We know that our mindset, or perspective, can directly affect the outcome of nearly any situation. For example, if we believe a situation will go well, it usually does. Likewise, if we expect to fail, it's often a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sure, the outcome isn't carved in stone, but our mindset profoundly affects our lives.
In addition to influencing the outcomes of everyday situations, science proves that our most basic beliefs about ourselves and others strongly influence our interpersonal relationships. [1] The closer those relationships, the more strongly our mindset matters. Could our mindset also affect one of our most cherished connections — the one we have with our children?
Indeed, it can do more than affect it — our parenting mindset can make or break the relationship.
How Mindset Affects Parenting
We know that even before birth, maternal happiness is linked with the unborn child's well-being. [2] We haven't even seen the child yet, much less spoken to it. Even in utero, the child is being affected by the person's mindset in whom they're growing.
Once we have our children, who else does our "emotional baggage" affect most strongly? What generational cycles are we witnessing ourselves perpetuate? Conversely, what points of strength and resilience are we imparting upon our children? Who challenges us into a place of deep introspection more than our children do? Who do we have more power to influence — for better or worse?
Indeed, our parenting mindset is a critical one to unpack for our own sake. And certainly for our children's.
Fixed and Growth Mindsets
Before we can get into how our mindset affects our parenting, we need to understand what the mindset concept is in the first place.
Although mindset and attitude aren't synonymous, they're closely related. Our mindset helps shape our attitudes and beliefs. Those attitudes and beliefs drive how we relate to others.
Expert Carol Dweck, Ph.D., has studied mindset extensively and written about it in her brilliant book, Mindset, The New Psychology of Success. [3] Her interdisciplinary work in developmental psychology, social psychology, and personality psychology have influenced our mindset. Dweck writes about the self-conceptions people use to structure the self and guide their behavior.
Specifically, Dweck writes about her research showing that something drives people one of two ways when they face challenges:
Either they're resilient and handle difficulties with relative ease, or
They have the mental inclination to simply wither and withdraw, even when the adversity is relatively minor. They may not see the "whole story" and focus only on their personal shortcomings.
That "something" that differentiates the two responses, Dweck writes, is their mindset. In more detail, Dweck and her colleagues have amassed research differentiating between two types of mindset: "fixed mindset" and "growth mindset." According to Dweck,
"People who hold more of a growth mindset are more likely to thrive in the face of difficulty and continue to improve," and;
“[People] who hold more of a fixed mindset may shy away from challenges or fail to meet their potential".
When people are operating from a growth mindset, they're more resilient and rebound better from problems. This may be largely due to their intrinsic belief that they're capable problem solvers.
Conversely, a fixed mindset sends people the message that adversity is unsafe, and therefore, it's to be avoided.
A person's responses to everyday situations often give a fairly clear indication of their primary mindset, be it a growth mindset or a fixed mindset. Usually, people don't have a fixed mental attitude for every situation; it varies, like all things in life.
Resultantly, we can look at how they usually respond to situations and their basic abilities to bounce back from challenges and recover — or not. Their typical way of handling adversity gives us a fairly clear indication of whether they generally harbor a growth or fixed mindset.
These two mindsets are at the core of all activities and relationships in which we engage. While not the only indicator of the quality of our relationships, mindset is certainly a strong one. Plainly said, our mindset makes us sink or helps us swim.
As it relates to parenting, when our children look to us to model how to "do life," they desperately need us to swim.
How Mindset Affects Parenting
Our mental attitude about our relationship to and with our children matters. At the core of every belief we have, we embody either a fixed or growth mindset. Our primary mindset reveals itself in how a person approaches everyday situations. Let's look at some examples of hours the mindset affects our parenting.
1. Connection
A fixed mindset in parenting damages connection.
A fixed mindset in parenting tells us that, using Dweck's definition, we "shy away from challenges." But, unfortunately, avoiding challenges causes a lack of connection between parent and child. How?
A parent who misses the opportunity to connect with their child in healthy ways even during conflict risks losing their child's heart.
Connection is at the core of healthy, peaceful, and collaborative relationships. When the connection is lacking, the parent/child dyad is, by definition, adversarial.
Specifically, parenting with a fixed mindset may make us more apt to parent from one of these two opposite ends of the parenting spectrum:
Control and manipulation, as often seen in authoritarian parenting, or
Fear and lack of parental leadership, as often seen in permissive parenting.
Authoritarian parenting is chronically unhealthy and damaging to children. [4] If the authoritarian parenting mindset had a tagline, it would be, "My way or the highway!" This parent shies away from challenges by always needing to be in charge, even at the cost of the child's self-esteem or emotional well-being.
The hallmark of this type of parenting is high control and low warmth because they see the relationship as a unilateral hierarchy where the parent's needs and goals always outweigh the child's.
This parent with a fixed mindset engages in the consuming goal of proving that they're smarter/more capable/more worthy of respect than the child. In doing so, they avoid challenges by leaving no room for the child's point of view. The adult will waste time proving that they're "right" rather than that they care. They may assign blame rather than model accountability for their mistakes.
Additionally, when parenting from a fixed mindset that keeps the child under their control, they may use
Despite its proven and long-term negative effects, physical discipline, including corporal punishment, and its demonstrated lack of effectiveness. [5]
Punitive time-outs and isolation-based strategies leave the child to "figure things out" independently, with little to no support. Although time-outs are a broadly embraced concept, there are helpful and harmful ways to use them—more on those in a moment.
Likewise, a permissive parenting approach with a fixed mindset undermines the child's basic abilities to rest in the security of a relationship. If it had a tagline, it would be, "I'll hide my deficiencies as a parent so that we never have any conflict, because if we do, I can't handle it. I'm not strong enough to rebound from adversity."
Permissive parents may have no boundaries for their children and constantly seek the child's approval rather than offering the confident and loving leadership children need to thrive. This approach, in turn, is highly detrimental to children. [6]
A growth mindset in parenting strengthens the parent-child bond.
A growth mindset in parenting helps nurture success for the relationship because parents and children can continue to "thrive in the face of difficulty and continue to improve." This mindset allows parents to see their kids as inherently worthy of respect, even in the face of challenges. In fact, they understand that overcoming adversity together can strengthen their bond and make them closer.
Parenting with a growth mindset increases the likelihood that the parent will use positive, authoritative parenting. [7] The consensus among the world's leading researchers indicates that this is the healthiest way to raise children, yet only about half of all parents use an authoritative style. [8] [9] Its tagline would be, "I'll lead you and give you healthy boundaries, and I see you as a whole person worthy of respect. So I'll show up for you."
The mental inclination that manifests here lies in the simple belief that warmth and responsiveness are paramount in parenting.
Positive parenting isn't just for a certain personality type of a child who "responds well" to it —it's for ordinary children as well as extraordinary ones. (Of course, all children are extraordinary in their own ways.) It can be practiced throughout childhood, from an early age, and adolescence.
One of its defining characteristics is that it's not a set of "strategies" to gain compliance. Rather, children's behavior is positively and dramatically influenced by the parent's loving responsiveness to their needs.
Positive parenting differs from permissive and authoritarian parenting insofar as it holds children accountable for their actions. However, this accountability does not manifest in a punitive way. On the contrary, the simple but groundbreaking idea is that the positive parent leans on natural and logical consequences rather than arbitrary punishment. [5]
The authoritative parent may also rely on these forms of positive discipline rather than punitive ones:
Use a "time in" rather than a punitive and isolating time-out to reconnect and recalibrate
Employ a restorative "calm down corner," also in lieu of a punitive time-out
Peacefully discuss the ramifications of the choices our children make
Hold space for our children's big feelings
Use playful parenting to circumvent unnecessary conflict when appropriate
This non-punitive approach is the proper motivation and often the most effective teacher for our children.
Are these the only ways to be a positive, gentle, connection-based parent? Of course not. This is just the starting point. Whether the approach helps the child learn best, working together is always a mark of a growth mindset in parenting.
Parenting with a growth mindset focused on connection is how we win and keep our child's heart.
This understanding of social psychology, connection, and child development are at the core of a growth mindset in parenting.
2. Problem Solving
A parent's mindset around problem-solving can make or break the relationship, as well.
When parents encounter problems with their children, they have two options. They can believe that the conflict is
Parent versus child (fixed mindset), or
Parent and child — together — versus the problem they're trying to solve (collaborative, growth mindset).
A fixed mindset fuels the fire of conflict.
A fixed mindset fuels a belief that there are only two ways the problem can play out: the parent's way or the child's. The conflict becomes a power struggle where someone "wins" and the other "loses."
Oftentimes, beneath the power struggle, the parent is secretly worried that if they "give in" to the child, they're weak, and they've failed as a parent. They rate their parenting effectiveness on whether they believe they look smart or dumb to their child. The only way they think they look "smart" to their child is if they overpower them.
The parent might believe that staying rigid and inflexible helps them save face; they have to follow through with punishment even if they feel it isn't warranted. They feel deficient if their child doesn't obey. After all, they say, "the child needs to know who's boss."
But at what cost?
The risk here is that controlling, demanding parents raise controlling, demanding children — and the children continue the unhealthy cycle as they grow up. Moreover, all their present and future relationships suffer considerably under this mindset.
A growth mindset creates room for solutions.
A growth mindset that sees problems as opportunities to find solutions that no one has conceived of yet is much healthier. It nurtures creativity in both parent and child. It allows for win/win scenarios where no one "loses." Here, the parent works toward the relationship's good rather than forcing compliance that the child may later resent.
With this mindset, the parent realizes that opposing views are often just the starting point before an agreement can be reached. Even if the child seems to exhibit fixed traits (such as often resisting bedtime, for example), this truer growth mindset can help them brainstorm together so that the problem becomes less of an issue.
The most basic characteristics of problem-solving with a growth mindset are, once again, respect and trust. Parents and children are more likely to have a healthier relationship with conflict when they see it as being outside themselves rather than an interpersonal breach of connection. This is one of the most fundamental tenets and basic qualities of connection-based parenting.
A growth mindset is how great parents lead their children to grow into collaborative, healthy, respectful adults. They realize that they're not just parenting their children; they're also teaching their kids how other significant people in their lives should treat them as they get older. In addition, they're training their children to emulate their own growth mindset for future relationships.
3. Boundaries
When a problem arises, the parent with a growth mindset addresses it with the relationship's good. With this approach, the child feels that the adult is on their side, that they're on the same team. The parent offers a healthy dose of compassion and empathy along with developmentally appropriate boundaries.
Developmentally appropriate boundaries arise from the parent seeing where the child is, socially, emotionally, and physically. The parent customizes boundaries for the actual child in front of them, not what they think the child "should" do by a certain age or by comparing them to others. The boundaries of a growth mindset are malleable and account for the child's needs at that moment.
Furthermore, the parent realizes that boundaries work best when the adult shows up to help the child when they're struggling. The adult can't simply "lay down the law" and expect the child to comply perfectly every time. Instead, the adult's active involvement — knowing when to step back and when to step in — helps the child thrive best.
Does a positive parenting mindset mean parents should relinquish their leadership role in the family and let kids "rule the roost"? Instead, they need to be so flexible that it's unclear what the boundaries will be any given day?
Of course not. Children benefit greatly from clear boundaries and guidance. The difference here is that we look at boundaries as written in pencil rather than in ink.
A helpful analogy to understand the growth mindset of boundaries is that they're like water wings while a child is learning to swim.
The water wings help keep the child afloat; they help keep them safe in the water. Could a non-swimmer thrive without them? Of course not. Boundaries are much the same way — they help keep children safe until they learn to manage swimming independently. Likewise, however, the child has flexibility in the pool while wearing the water wings; they can safely explore their surroundings.
Boundaries that are too harsh are like keeping a 10-year-old in a baby pool; the child can't ever learn to swim that way. For a child to thrive, they have to explore a bit on their own, within the safety of guidelines.
Some parents worry that their children will grow up to lack a certain moral character without a firm hand. They believe it may be their job to "mold" their kids into good humans without respect that the child is already a good human.
Some parents fail to realize the basic qualities they want to teach best learned by modeling them.
Herein lies the difference between the fixed and growth mindset of parenting boundaries: healthy boundaries help our kids explore safely without being too restrictive.
Parents can modify boundaries to match whatever the situation calls for. That doesn't make the parent "wishy-washy" — to the contrary, it's a sign of resilience and flexibility. Both of these traits are extremely beneficial to the human endeavor.
Our mindset around boundaries can nurture the relationship by allowing the child healthy and developmentally appropriate freedoms. But, conversely, our mindset can damage the connection by being inappropriately lax or restrictive.
Stuck in Fixed Mindsets
Fixed mindsets, especially around issues related to parenting, can indeed be tough to break. Habits are called habits for a reason. There's only a certain amount of change we can expect in ourselves all at once, even if we want to parent differently.
We don't need to be stuck with the same mindset forever, though.
The wonderful news about a person's true potential is that change is always possible. So the adage about "you can't teach an old dog new tricks" is a lie.
How?
Neuroplasticity. Neuroplasticity is a fancy neuroscience word that simply means that if we want to change our brains (and, therefore, our actions), we can. It's one of the most amazing human qualities we all possess.
In short, if we want to fix our parenting (or any other) mindset, we can.
Changing our fixed mindset to a growth mindset through neuroplasticity requires the following:
Recognizing that we have two mindsets; the one from which we want to depart and the other that we want to grow; acknowledging that our fixed traits may, in fact, be changeable.
Deciding specifically what the growth mindset would look like for us.
Choosing it and following through.
Giving ourselves the grace to make mistakes and try again (especially about a deep-seated trait that no longer serves us) while building the new habits and growth mindset we desire.
The two basic mindsets, in this way, are a gift. We have to know our starting point before we can figure out where we want to go.
Dweck and her colleagues write about brain plasticity related to growth mindsets, as well:
"Recent advances in neuroscience have shown us that the brain is far more malleable than we ever knew. Research on brain plasticity has shown how connectivity between neurons can change with experience. With practice, neural networks grow new connections, strengthen existing ones, and build insulation that speeds transmission of impulses." [10]
We don't have to do it alone when we decide we want to embody a new mindset and new patterns. Self-help books can be beneficial, as can counseling and/or parent coaching. [11] The more specific you can be about how you want your parenting mindset to look in action, the better.
Amazingly, the brain takes our visualization about how we want situations to transpire as if what we visualized has actually happened — and we can grow our skills from that visualization. [12] Then, we take that visualization forward into real life.
Mental practice, therefore, makes real-life easier. When you notice success in real life, celebrate it for the outstanding accomplishment that it is. Your initial talents and ongoing practice help fuel your future skills as a parent.
In terms of neuroplasticity, the result for your mindset is that your brain will literally create new neural pathways that help you respond in a new way, as your new habit.
It's rather like if you've always driven the same route to the grocery store, but one day the road is closed and you need to find a new way to get there. The more you practice the new route, the more it becomes second nature.
Sure, you might accidentally go back to your old way once the original road opens up again. However, if you decide you like the new way better, you always have the option to choose it. The more you choose it, the more comfortable it will feel and the more naturally you’ll go in that direction. This is essentially how you form new neural pathways.
Changing your mindset doesn't have to become an all-consuming goal, of course. Start small. Start with something actionable. Perhaps the goal isn't to never yell at your kids again, for example, but instead make it through an hour without yelling.
A little bit of growth today can create incremental change that makes a lasting and positive difference in the long run.
Mindset Matters
Of the two mindsets, it's clear that the right mindset is the one that results in children with the interpersonal, emotional, and intellectual skills that foster success in their ongoing interpersonal relationships. Rather than raising children who are constantly seeking and having to work for our love and acceptance, they can rest in it.
In this way, our parenting mindset helps us raise emotionally smart kids who seek and pursue connection and respect-based relationships throughout their lives. Best of all, that lasting respect and connection are also with us.
Sarah R. Moore, Guest Writer Brainz Magazine
Sarah R. Moore is the founder of Dandelion Seeds Positive Parenting. As a certified gentle parenting coach and trainer, she’s a regular contributor to international parenting magazines, as well as a frequent guest on podcasts and parenting summits. In addition, she offers a popular series of mini-courses, webinars, and FREE expert interviews. She’s currently writing two books that will be released this year.
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