Ken Pierce is a board-certified clinical psychologist and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc. He has authored many psychological works including seven books and 400 case study web-posts. Ken is considered a human behaviour expert having worked in business, education and private practice for over 40 years.
Panic attacks are often misinterpreted. Many people experience panic attacks when they perceive they are in a situation out of their control. This is our brain and our mind challenging us to be more aware and more decisive, immediately. This is one of nature’s ways to protect us and our future. What if you can use your understanding of panic to serve you? To find out more, read on.
Panic causes tunnel vision. Calm acceptance of danger allows us to more easily assess the situation and see the options.” – Simon Sinek, author
“Daire readily admitted to being a workaholic.”
Daire was a 44-year-old accountant running his own firm. He had been in operation for over 20 years. He had a stable client base of local customers who valued his services.
Daire said his staff of five were longstanding employees and seemed to like working for him. He presented to me as a sensitive and caring employer.
Daire had a daughter, Daru, aged 15, from his first marriage to Davida. Now, he was with Danielle but they had no children together.
Daire readily admitted to being a workaholic. He said he loved his work, deriving much personal satisfaction from serving his clients.
“… his work – his family – himself – his friends.”
I had asked him to identify his top four values before coming in to see me. So, he had arrived with his list: his work – his family – himself – his friends.
When I asked him how I might serve him, he told me several stories of experiencing panic attacks in the last several months which were throwing his whole world in turmoil.
Daire had concluded these panic attacks were tied to what he called his forgetfulness. He offered several examples of forgetting things at work and home which would result in a panic attack which left him discouraged and confused.
I asked him for his “most upsetting” example. He replied,
“Ken, the most recent one was probably the most traumatic for me! It happened at home the other morning when I was getting ready for work.”
“What happened exactly?” I asked.
“…they were there all the time! I felt so stupid!”
“Danielle and I were getting ready to leave for work and I couldn’t find my car keys. When I asked her if she had seen them anywhere, she reminded me we only have one car and I was the only one who drove it.”
“Then what happened?”
“I checked the table by the front door, my coat pockets, my briefcase…all the likely places… and could not find them. Then, as I looked around, I saw the mounting frustration on Danielle’s face and I started panicking.”
“What did you do then, Daire?”
“I remember I put my hands over my face and said to Danielle, ‘Don’t blame me…I will find them…just give me a minute…I will find them!’”
‘Then what happened?” I asked him.
“I kept searching frantically…checked my other coat, the kitchen counter and then, the key hooks inside the front hall closet. That’s where they were! Where I had put them the previous evening…on the key rack in the closet…they were always there! I felt so stupid!”
Then, he added,
“I’ve been doing this a lot lately! And, it is driving me wacky!”
“Do you mean forgetting benefits and costs me at the same time?”
“Well, since we are biologically and psychologically wired to survive and you’re here with me now, it must have served you perfectly at that very moment to forget where you put your keys, so let’s find out how.”
“Are you saying being forgetful serves me in some way? I don’t see it. It only embarrasses and humiliates me, over and over again.”
“Well, it is doing that too! That’s just to keep you balanced…so you don’t get carried away with using it too often.”
“Do you mean forgetting benefits and costs me at the same time? That sounds crazy, Ken!”
“Yes, it does a little, but you will appreciate its perfection once you understand what is going on. Let’s go back to your moment of panic when you couldn’t find your keys.”
“Ok!”
“Be in that moment right now. Close your eyes and be there with your hands covering your face. Put your hands over your face like you did at that very moment and experience it again.”
Then I continued,
“Daire, every person behaves unconsciously, at all times, from within their values. We are going to make it more conscious for you so you can understand the value of your forgetfulness.”
“I gotta see this!” he replied skeptically as he closed his eyes and raised his hands to cover his face.
“As you are standing there in your home, face covered and Danielle watching you, what are you saying to yourself about yourself forgetting where you last put your keys?”
Daire went quiet and I waited.
“She was always at me, judging me and demeaning me…”
After a bit, maybe 5 or 6 seconds, he said,
“I need to defend myself. I need to avoid her criticism.”
“So, you are protecting yourself at that very moment?”
“I suppose I am, aren’t I?” he replied, a little surprise in his voice.
“Protecting yourself from what, Daire?”
“I guess her criticism and her judgement of me!” he responded.
“Do you struggle to deal with the criticism from other people?”
“Yeah, I guess I do! I certainly don’t like criticism at all!”
Was there someone before Danielle who you perceived was overly critical of you, Daire?”
“That would be my mom! She was a raging alcoholic in those days. She was always at me, judging me and demeaning me…even as a young child. I remember it … vividly!”
“Do you have a specific memory that stands out in your mind from that time?”
“I certainly have always had to set clear boundaries with my mom…”
“I do, Ken! I was about six years old and had just returned from school.
It had been math test day at school and when I walked in the door from getting off the bus, my mom started saying I must have failed my test. She didn’t ask me how I had done, she just started attacking me. And, I started to cry.”
“How did you cope with that moment in your childhood? Daire, be in that moment right now and tell me how you were talking to yourself to manage your mom’s judgement?”
He paused before saying,
‘Well, besides crying, I ran to my room, slammed the door and hid under my bed for a long time. And, I remember thinking my mom is not fair, I think I did OK on my test and my mom doesn’t understand!”
“So, it sounds like you honoured your feelings and comforted yourself by crying; and you protected yourself by running to your room and hiding under your bed, and you empowered yourself by slamming the door.”
“I suppose that is true, isn’t it? I haven’t ever thought of it that way before. I certainly have always had to set clear boundaries with my mom my whole life…that’s for sure!”
“Have you needed to set boundaries with other people as well?”
“…personal pride in your skills in being independent and having clear expectations of others?”
“Oh yeah! For sure! Whether it’s been demanding clients or my staff or even Danielle about the importance of my work…my business!”
“Were there other occasions in your childhood, and perhaps later on, when you continued to practice setting boundaries with your mom?”
“For sure! During high school and even in university, I was continually needing to empower myself in my relationship with my mom. She eventually stopped drinking. But, her criticisms continued, just in a little softer form…so I had to persist with her and still do.”
“As you think about it, would it be accurate to say that today you take some measure of personal pride in your skills in being independent and having clear expectations of others?”
“Ken, I have found it is critical to running your own business. It requires being straight but fair with people, both inside and outside your organization. Without that ability, I don’t think I would have come as far as I have.”
“I sure know how to self-advocate having been raised by my mom. And, I apply it in most areas of my life.”
“So, you owe your mom for that, eh? If she hadn’t been so critical, you might not have learned to be your own person…that independent person you value so much. It connects well to your highest values you mentioned earlier, doesn’t it?”
“You know, Ken, that is true. I sure know how to self-advocate having been raised by my mom. And, I apply it in most areas of my life.”
“So, getting back to your panicking when you forget something, what is the benefit to how you deal with your forgetfulness?”
“Well, I suppose I become very solution-focused, I try to resolve it immediately…so, I’m realizing now, I empower myself and set boundaries with those around me, like Danielle and the car keys.”
“I agree! You have been calling it panic, but it looks more like focused problem-solving for an immediate situation that needs attention. Can you see that, Daire?”
“I can see it now…that’s for sure! And, it doesn’t seem so bizarre, does it? What I have been calling panic looks like unexpected crisis management. When I see how it’s tied to my values and important skills I’ve used all my life, it seems pretty OK to me.”
“I would agree, Daire!
“This has been very useful, Ken!”
Daire went on to report back to me his panic attacks diminished immediately and disappeared soon after as he integrated his learning and awareness about the value of them in several other areas of his life.
“I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.” – Larry David, actor
Points to Ponder and Remember:
Panic is consciously giving up on a situation, while unconsciously, not giving up.
Not giving up is demonstrated by the fact we are here talking about it and so have survived it.
The human brain never gives up on striving to survive and reproduce in some form throughout our lives.
However, our mind, with its values of good and bad, right and wrong, can give up on trying to cope with the challenges it faces.
One common form of this we call panic and label it as bad, as negative, as wrong or even as not useful.
However, it is an important tool for us to learn how to cope with challenges.
It enables us to access more resources faster for our well-being.
It has other forms such as fainting, blacking out, hallucinating, etc.
Once we understand how it served us to panic, and how it helped us cope with a difficult situation, we learn to appreciate the value of it.
Once we can see the two sides to panicking consciously, it frees us from guilt or shame, so we can learn other ways to manage our challenges.
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Read more from Ken Pierce
Ken Pierce, Executive Psychologist, Human Behaviour Expert
Ken Pierce is a board-certified, evolutionary psychologist, human behavior expert and CEO of The Pierce Institute of Psychology Inc.(TPI) Ken has authored 14 psychological works including seven books and created 400 case-study-based web-posts. He has worked in business consultation, education and private practice for over 40 years serving thousands of people of all ages including individuals, couples, leaders, teams and organizations.daughters and three grandsons. Ken's interests vary widely from quantum theory to energy efficiency to building stone walls.
