Written by: Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Grief is a companion to me now. It will be for my whole life, and this means I feel different emotions every day. One has remained constant and persistent – guilt. It is a hugely complicated emotion that has made me relive and dissect my most painful memories of the past few years since losing my parents and my sister. It has kept me awake at night, made me sob during the daylight hours, and tied me in knots. It is self-compassion and understanding myself that has allowed me to overcome guilt, but it has been a turbulent and difficult journey.
The British Psychological Society gives a pithy explanation of how guilt can be both a catalyst for positive transformation and personal development but how it can also result from “...difficulties in responding to [other] emotions.” In this situation, guilt arrives with a wave of other feelings – sadness, anger, frustration or regret, for example. It then adds to the pain and confusion.
For me, it manifested in constant questions and self-doubt that came to me night and day. After my sister passed away, I found myself revisiting the last time we had a conversation. It was a simple moment, one of those times when my dad insisted that we try to get along after my mother's death. We sat together – the weight of our strained relationship hanging in the air. The conversation was mediocre, and I didn't think much of it at the time but now, in the relentless grip of grief, I start to wonder if I could have done more to make amends. What if, in that very moment, I had insisted that we see our therapist together? What if I had taken the initiative to spend more time with her, to engage in conversations that could have repaired our fractured sisterly bond? I questioned every tiny action and every decision. It was exhausting.
After she died, I felt angry at the nature of our relationship and how bad it had made me feel for so many years. I felt angry at her for being angry at me, and then I felt guilt for being angry. Gender expectations came into play here. As Author S Chemaly wrote: “It’s as children that most of us learn to regard anger as unfeminine, unattractive, and selfish…As girls, we are not taught to acknowledge or manage our anger so much as fear, ignore, hide, and transform it.”
I tried to bury my anger and hide from the guilt. It made me ill. I eventually stumbled upon her journals, which shed light on the root of my sister's issues with me. While it was too late for a conversation, the journals provided me with a sense of understanding, and that enabled me to overcome the anger and, therefore, the guilt.
With the loss of my Mom, Dad, and Sister came a survivor’s guilt: I felt guilty to be alive whilst they were gone. It was rooted in the belief that I could have, or should have, done something to prevent the tragedies. In reality, there was nothing that would have changed the outcome, but guilt isn’t a rational emotion.
It also brings a host of physical reactions, which again make it hard to negotiate. A paper published in the Journal, Cognitive, Affective, & Behavioral Neuroscience reported that “there [was] a mixed pattern of sympathetic and parasympathetic activation during the experience of guilt” amongst 100 participants aged between 18 and 80 years old. In other words, both the 'fight or flight' system and 'rest and digest' system were fired up.
Guilt has an emotional and physical impact; and for me, this impact was impinging on every aspect of my life from my ability to interact with others to my sleep patterns. I needed to do something. After delving into profound discussions with my invaluable grief advocates, I arrived at a transformative decision – to release the burden of guilt. It was time to untangle its grip on my heart and seek relief in the healing embrace of practical coping strategies. This is what I did, and this is what I have learnt:
Four coping strategies for guilt during grief
1. Self-Compassion and Acceptance: Understand that feelings of guilt are a common and natural part of the grieving process. Be kind to yourself and accept that you're not to blame for the loss. Practice self-compassion by treating yourself with the same kindness and understanding that you would offer to a friend going through a similar situation.
2. Seek Support: Don't carry your guilt in isolation. Share your feelings with a trusted friend, family member, or therapist who can provide a listening ear and emotional support. Talking about your guilt can help you process it and gain a new perspective.
3. Journaling and Self-Reflection: Consider keeping a grief journal where you can express your thoughts and feelings, including guilt. Write down specific instances or reasons for your guilt and explore them in writing. This can help you gain clarity, identify any irrational guilt, and work through your emotions.
4. Rituals and Honoring: Create rituals or practices that allow you to honor and remember your loved one. This can help alleviate guilt by channeling your emotions into positive actions. Light a candle, create a memory box, or volunteer for a cause your loved one cared about as a way to remember them.
Finally, I recognized that these struggles between conflicting emotions – and the guilt that goes with this struggle – are a normal part of the grieving process. By embracing our feelings and taking steps to manage our guilt, we can emerge from grief stronger and more resilient than ever before. If you're struggling with feelings of guilt during the grieving process, know that you're not alone – and that there is hope for healing and growth on the other side.
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Sandy Linda, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sandy Linda is an elegant and worldly leader in grief guidance and a life coach. After experiencing multiple losses, she began a journey using her experiences to find calm in the chaos to support those mourning multiple losses. Sandy helps her clients move from heartbreaking losses to a place where they can work towards healing and become fearless adventure leaders.
