Written by Heather Stewart, Real Life Coach
Heather Stewart is a dynamic force in the wellness world. She seamlessly marries her background in corporate finance with her fervent dedication to holistic health to help guide transformative coaching experiences for her clients. She is also the host of the Back to Me Podcast helping guide wellness your way.
We are all told that we need goals from early on in life. And I'll readily admit that I've even said it myself to my coaching clients! As a Real-Life Coach with over 10 years of experience, I've helped clients overcome adversities to reach their goals, recorded podcasts about how important it is to set goals, helped brainstorm milestones and set up ways to track progress, all with the intent of guiding people to a happier, healthier life.
I remember one client, let's call her Sarah, who was struggling with setting and achieving her goals. Through our sessions, we discovered that she had been focusing all her efforts on the wrong thing. Once she realized this, her focus shifted, her drive skyrocketed, and she was able to achieve her goals with ease.
How often do you see people who don't set or never reach goals?
Have you ever wondered why some people set goals so quickly and reach them (and then do it over and over)? In contrast, others try and fail repeatedly until, sadly, sometimes, they just give up?
I've been personally captivated by this phenomenon and delved into it, studying, reading, and observing. Finally, I have the answer!
I want to share it with you so that you can be the person who hits the target and not the one who gives up. I want to empower you to reevaluate your goals, beliefs, and commitments to achieve your own success.
1. It's not actually your goal
"What?" I can hear you now – "but I wrote it down, I visualize, I journal, I do all the things! How can my goal not actually be my goal?"
There are two ways this goal you are striving for and failing at reaching may differ from your true goal. (Since you're reading this, I assume you are not achieving your goals; otherwise, why would you read this article?)
The first way: Is this thing you are working so hard towards what you truly want? Or did you adopt it to follow societal norms? Did you choose it under the weight of peer pressure? Was it what you thought you were 'supposed to' do? Or was it what you saw someone else do on social media, and they looked happy and successful?
For instance, let's say you're working towards a promotion at work. Is it because you genuinely enjoy your job and want to take on more responsibilities, or is it because you feel like you should be climbing the corporate ladder? Understanding your true motivations can help you align your goals with your values and desires.
We can all fall prey to the influence of everything around us, so it is vitally important that you take a moment to pause and check in with yourself. This self-reflection is a powerful tool that can help you determine if this is something you genuinely want.
Ask yourself this: Does this goal support the life I want to create and how I want to live every day?
It is so easy to get swept up in the excitement when you see someone else being successful at something, and they make it look easy. Or maybe someone in your sphere of influence convinces you that you'd be "perfect at this."
The thing to get a handle on is whether you actually want this thing that you're striving for.
Imagine your average day once you've achieved this goal – not the idealized version you see on social media, but the reality. Does it still feel like your goal? Remember, everyone will have an opinion on what you should be doing, but ultimately, you are the only one who can decide what is right for you and what you truly desire. It's perfectly fine to appreciate their input and then confidently pursue your own path, even if it seems unconventional to others.
The second way: Is this goal a symptom of your actual goal? What do I mean? To illustrate, I'll use a story I heard on a podcast recently.
A woman had a goal to learn to type faster.
Her coach asked her why she wanted to learn to type faster.
She answered that if she could type faster, she could get a better job and make more money. Her coach asked her why she wanted more money.
She indicated that she wanted to move from her inner-city location to the suburbs, where she could have more space and a house instead of an apartment.
Her coach asked her why she wanted a larger space outside of downtown?
She indicated that her mother lived in a small apartment near her and was getting older, so she wanted a nice home that she could move into with her. She was close to her mother and wanted to help support and look after her.
Ah ha!
Once you get down through the layers of reasoning, you find that her true goal was not to learn to type faster! Her true goal, the underlying desire driving her, was to care for her mother by moving somewhere they could live and be comfortable.
Yes, you can understand the logic behind the goal of learning to type faster, but the issue this person may run into is that this is too narrow a focus. Seeing this as the only way to reach her goal, she put all her attention and efforts into one thing—the one thing she thought would get her to her goal.
When the goal you are working towards is a symptom of your actual goal, you can focus so narrowly that it blocks all other possibilities for reaching it.
This woman's actual goal was a larger home for her and her mother. There are countless ways to achieve this, so it did not serve her to lock herself into only one way—learning to type faster.
Uncovering your true goal is not just about achieving a specific outcome. It's a journey of self-discovery and growth, where you learn to navigate various paths to reach your destination. This process can open up a world of possibilities, inspiring and motivating you along the way.
When you have a goal, ask yourself why you want it. Keep asking yourself the why question until you find an honest answer.
Hint: The honest answer will be the deep-down answer masquerading as something else.
2. You don't actually believe you can have it (Or worse yet, you don't deserve it!)
Open any article on mindset blocks, and you will inevitably encounter imposter syndrome. This is a common struggle that many of us face, not feeling we deserve praise or the 'pie in the sky' goals. We consistently aim low so we don't get disappointed (or worse, don't even try).
Remember, you're not alone in this.
I've also read that even the most famous and sought-after celebrities often suffer from imposter syndrome. And none of us could imagine why since they are so amazing. Heck, in one article I read, even Tom Hanks had esteem issues!
So the good news in all of this is:
that you aren't alone,
that you totally deserve to reach your goals and
that you are likely aiming too low.
I won't go into all the reasons people suffer from imposter syndrome here. I'm a coach, not a psychologist. However, this issue is prevalent enough in my clients for me to take note of it and help them see how it isn't true.
When you work at turning down the volume on that part of yourself that tells you that you can't have it or don't deserve it, you can turn up the volume on how great you are and how to reach your goals.
Try this exercise to help ease yourself into this new way of believing.
First, pick a smaller goal that seems within reach. For example, suppose you want to start consistently going to the gym and lifting weights to get stronger. In that case, you want to start with a manageable schedule and lighter weights to begin strengthening your actual (and belief) muscles.
Once you hit an initial milestone of consistency, you will realize that you are physically stronger, and your belief in your abilities has followed suit. So once you start feeling good, raise your personal bar (or weight) to something slightly more challenging. As you get stronger and see that you can hit your goals and are worthy, you will work toward the heavier goals and continue towards what you truly want.
Of course, you can do it… you just have to believe it.
3. Lack of personal integrity
This is a bit tough, love, my friend.
I will admit that I am still working on this one regularly and am still guilty of this occasionally, even though I am fully aware of how it holds me back.
And to be clear, I'm not saying you are dishonest and untrustworthy! I do need you to realize that there is a way you are out of integrity that you often don't examine because no one holds you accountable to yourself.
Let me use an example to help illustrate my point.
When you book an appointment for work or with a friend or take on a responsibility to get something done or do something for someone else, how hard do you work to ensure you fulfill this commitment? Pretty hard, right?
You don't want to let them down. You want to avoid becoming known as "undependable."
Now, flip that: Do you make the same effort to fulfill your commitment to yourself? Do you hold yourself accountable? Do you put in the same effort to meet a commitment you made to yourself as when you make a promise to someone else?
I will stop you before you even start paving your road of excuses. Just own it. Too often, I've seen how great people justify not following through for themselves, even if they are willing to bend backwards for someone else.
If you don't follow through on your commitments to yourself, then you are out of integrity with yourself.
Why would you ever trust yourself to get things done if this was your pattern?
Don't worry. Correcting this pattern is easier than it seems. It simply requires attention, intention and then following through and doing what you said you would. Simple right?
Start by paying strict attention to what you promise yourself. Ask yourself if you are actually going to do it? Do you actually want to do it? Will it move you towards some goal that you are working on? (Spoiler alert: It's ok to say no to things that don't align for you.)
Second, what is your intention behind this commitment to yourself? What is the purpose behind this commitment to yourself? If the intention and purpose are aligned with your goal and you pay attention to what you commit to, then all of your decisions will be easy, and you will reach your goal.
A situation to demonstrate this that everyone can relate to because it is so common is eating healthy. How often have you heard on New Year's Day that someone will get in shape and eat better "from now on."
I'm not saying that when they said this, they were lying. At that exact moment, I'm sure they wanted to improve their eating habits.
Maybe they'd heard all the advertisements for fitness programs that are prevalent towards the end of the year. Or perhaps they saw a social media post of someone looking fabulous, and it made them feel like they needed to change something about themselves.
So, this person has committed to themselves and others that they want to get healthy. However, this oath was not made with any serious consideration of the deeper reasons or the true intention behind the decision. So it's no wonder this person fell off the wagon as soon as the leftover Christmas cookies hit the office kitchen.
The justifications for failing at end-of-year healthy habit resolutions are almost always the same…
"Just one won't hurt."
"I don't want them to go to waste."
"I missed lunch/breakfast."
"I've had a stressful day."
"I deserve it."
But you don't realize when you repeat this pattern of promises broken that, you demonstrate to your inner self that you don't follow through on your commitments.
The remedy? Say what you mean and follow through.
There's no shortcut magic formula with this one. How do you go about gaining someone's trust in life? You demonstrate to them that you are trustworthy and dependable. How do you go about earning your trust in yourself? Demonstrate to yourself that you say what you mean and you follow through.
4. Are you allowing it to happen?
This block is related to number two as it is related to believing, but it appears in a slightly different form.
The question to ask yourself here is: Are you trying to force your outcome to happen in a specific way? This is different from only seeing one path. This speaks to you only seeing one way your desired end result can manifest.
If you've gone around the sun enough times, you must realize that the universe is vast and mysterious. So maybe your goal is trying to reach you through a different door. Still, you are so fixated on the only way it can happen that you can't see it right before you.
A coach I know refers to this as "leaving a margin for magic." He means that you can set your targets and goals and plot and plan how to achieve them, but always leave yourself open to the magic.
An easy example of this is revenue. Setting budgets, product offerings, and sales targets will give you a realistic and quantifiable revenue goal. If this target is a milestone and your eventual goal is larger, do you strain and worry about trying this way or that way to see how to keep ramping up? Or do you accept this milestone and then leave a margin for magic?
Do you leave yourself open to a revenue source coming to you that you did not expect and could not have imagined? Try it out sometime! You will be surprised how often you miss what is right in front of you!
5. Are you allowing your seeds to grow?
There is a reason that you'll often hear the phrase "patience is a virtue."
I likely don't need to explain why you need to be patient, so I'll simply demonstrate by having you imagine a farmer out in his field three weeks after planting his crop and fretting because he doesn't have anything to harvest yet. Silly right?
I do understand why we are so impatient as a society. We live in an age where if we don't have an answer or a solution within moments, we think it will never happen. We enjoy the luxury of instant answers, instant contact, and instant dinners. However, life still takes 9 months to grow a baby and 20 more years of care and nurturing to grow to adulthood.
But we often carry over this impatience and apply it to ourselves and our goals. In this scenario, we are the farmer who has planted the seeds of what we want, but we are standing over them, convinced they won't grow. We don't tend to our crops or give them time to grow. Trust that things are coming; trust that the seeds you planted are growing—keep nurturing them and let them grow.
Why not give your goal some time to grow?
Now, hold up the mirror.
Where do you see yourself in these blocks? This is not a self-bashing party. This is an honest look at where you are and where you are blocking yourself from reaching what you want in life.
We all have them from time to time, and the faster you can identify them, the faster you can refocus and get back on track.
When you have difficulty seeing where you are stuck, call for help. Ask a mentor or trusted colleague who will be open and honest with you. Get a coach! I've had a coach since I started on this journey, and it has been invaluable to my progress.
Setting and achieving goals is an essential aspect of life, and if done mindfully, it will ensure that you have the best and most fulfilled life. By examining your motives and uncovering your true goals, you can broaden your perspective and open up a world of possibilities to achieve them.
Remember, you can only decide what suits you and what you truly desire. Don't be afraid to pursue your own path, even if it seems unconventional to others. With this knowledge and self-awareness, you can be the person who hits the target and not the one who gives up.
Read more from Heather Stewart
Heather Stewart, Real Life Coach
Heather is a trailblazer in the wellness realm, driven by her passion for guiding others toward optimal health and fulfillment. Her own journey, marked by a bold transition from corporate finance to holistic wellness, fuels her commitment to helping individuals unlock their full potential. With a diverse background encompassing yoga, personal training, meditation, and coaching, Heather brings a unique blend of expertise to her work. As the founder of the Thriving Life Method, she empowers clients to thrive in all aspects of their lives, embodying her mission of leaving no aspect of well-being untouched. Join Heather on a transformative journey toward balance, vitality, and lasting fulfillment.
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