Written by: Dr. Siya Mjwara, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A one-sided relationship is an interpersonal relationship between two people, where one person invests more (in various ways) into the relationship than the other person. There is usually an imbalance of energy and effort being invested in the relationship. Although this can occur in any type of relationship, I have noticed it to be most common in romantic relationships and friendships. The following are what I have picked up to be common patterns of one-sided relationships.
1. It appears like you need to do all the work
You begin to notice that you are the one who often initiates conversations, especially about important things. You make the phone calls; organize trips, dates, birthday celebrations, and other activities. It may sometimes feel like you are chasing the other person. When you address some of the issues, the other party may become defensive, dismissive, or gaslight you. It may also seem like you are nagging them about unimportant things. As a result of this, they may withdraw and even avoid you.
2. It begins to feel draining
You begin to feel exhausted from all the effort you are putting into the relationship. You may experience physical and emotional exhaustion. The symptoms to look out for are body pains, headaches, disrupted sleep, change in appetite, inability to focus at work or school, irritability, feeling withdrawn, and sometimes isolating yourself from others. Please note that these are also common trauma and depressive symptoms. At this point, you may also experience anxiety, especially about what to do; whether to ignore these symptoms or to somehow find a solution.
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3. You carry the relationship financially
You often pay the bills and carry the overall financial responsibility. It may be that the other party does not manage their finances well and usually relies on you to assist. Sometimes they spend their money on other things that you feel are not important. For instance, they may spend their money on clothes and entertainment, but not on your relationship. The financial sacrifices usually come from your end.
4. There is a constant feeling of being misunderstood
You feel misunderstood and some of your attempts to repair are taken out of context, or you are experienced as being needy or too emotional. The other party does not seem to understand what a healthy, mutually beneficial relationship looks like. You constantly disagree on such views, as well as other matters that you deem important in order for the relationship to succeed. At this point, you may begin questioning whether they genuinely misunderstand you, or they are intentionally behaving in this manner just to frustrate you.
5. Other things and other people are a priority
The other party values other people more than you. This is evident in how they interact with other people. They might show kindness and consideration for their friends and family members, and do all sorts of favors for them. You begin to notice that the things they do for other people are things that they hardly do for you, even if you sometimes ask.
They might prioritize friends and things like sports or other activities. They would rather cancel your plans and do something else, and they usually do so. When you do try to address this they might say things like “Jamie has been my friend for so long and I can’t just let them down like that”. The comments they make may lead you to believe that because their family and some of their friends have been in their lives longer, you therefore should not complain about them neglecting you and your relationship.
6. You feel insecure and unsure where you stand
Quite often you feel directionless in the relationship, emotionally unsafe, and not sure whether you matter. This is when most people often think the problem is within themselves and try harder to make the relationship work. The latter usually does not make much of a difference and can leave you feeling exploited and full of resentment. Sometimes you may feel like you are chasing a vision that only exists in your mind of how the relationship can potentially turn out. The latter can keep you holding on to the goodness that you once saw in the other party, despite all the red flags that keep showing up.
7. This triggers your past traumas
Every now and then you may notice that the other party’s behavior triggers emotions and flashbacks of your previous childhood or relationship traumas. People who have a strong fear of abandonment or rejection might stay longer in unhealthy or one-sided relationships. You may find that you struggle with setting boundaries or expressing your needs. Sometimes you may even believe that you will not find someone who will love, respect, and appreciate you in the manner that you want or deserve, and therefore feel it’s okay to settle for this. I usually say that the most important relationship you can ever have is one with yourself. Therefore it is important to be aware of your own traumas, and triggers and how these could be contributing to how you show up in relationships.
For many years now I have come face to face with the amount of trauma that can result from one-sided relationships. Some of this trauma is exacerbated by the fact that we often struggle to identify the red flags right from the onset. Even though we might still experience some negative impacts of one-sided relationships; I hope the above will help in identifying the unhealthy patterns soon enough, so you can make an informed decision on how to move forward.
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Dr. Siya Mjwara, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Dr. Siya Mjwara is an experienced therapist & wellness coach, trainer, and EAP consultant who has worked with individuals, couples, families, and management teams across various industries for over 14 years.
Her educational and continued professional development has transformed into a dedication to bringing awareness to individuals.
She assists businesses to develop, and implement employee wellness solutions to improve productivity, reduce absenteeism, and overall workplace culture.
From an individual perspective, she supports clients to identify and confront their challenges; and the things that are holding them back; to become their truest beings by fulfilling their mission in life and walking in their purpose.
Dr. Siya is the founder of Amambelu Wellness and AskDrSiya. She is also a published poet, voice-over artist, and radio presenter.
