Written by: Katie Connolly, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
From the very start of our existence, we are wired for connection. At just six weeks in utero, a profound dance of co-regulation begins between mother and child. This intimate experience allows us to absorb and resonate with our mother's emotions and energies through hormonal exchanges.
The first few years
While all primary caregivers hold significance, a mother's bonding profoundly shapes a child's nervous system, influencing their perception and engagement with the world. Yet, these early years often prove to be the most challenging for parents.
The ideal scenario to support the development of a healthy nervous system baseline is a mother at ease, having reconciled personal or generational traumas, being well-rested, nourished, and fully present.
However, the reality is starkly different, particularly in individualistic Western cultures where isolation and limited support for mothers are common threads.
Challenges are a part of life, and overcoming challenges also offers us the opportunity to become more resilient, to an extent. While we are able to create change, the first thirty years of life are important in determining our nervous system baseline, and in wiring tools for resilience. For parents who've faced challenges in the early years, please know this is a common experience, and there is still so much we can do to support our children in their nervous system development.
Understanding the basics of biology
In looking at a basic triune approach to the brain, we understand the reptilian brain governs survival instincts, the mammalian or limbic brain oversees emotions and nurturing instincts, and the neocortex allows for empathy, higher reasoning, and abstract thinking. While this offers a simplistic view, it is important to note that our brains are far more complex and adaptable, taking additional external and internal cues into account to ensure we respond appropriately (Steffan et al., 2022). The development of our prefrontal cortex, approximately a third of our neocortex, continues until we are 30 years old, to bridge connections between thoughts, emotions, and behaviors (Arnsten, 2009). So while the first few years are important to create a healthy foundation, we can continue to make changes even beyond the age of 30.
Implications for parenting
This developmental trajectory implies a prolonged reliance on parents and our social network in
co-regulation, extending far beyond the commonly assumed age of three when society suggests children should be able to self-regulate. I've long advocated moving away from the term "self-regulation," which implies (1) being able to do it alone, and (2) suppressing emotions to avoid inconveniencing others. Both of these implications I feel have contributed to concerning mental health statistics.
The reality is that throughout our lives, we are in a constant state of co-regulation with our external and internal environments. Our Craniosacral (Polyvagal) system operates to integrate external and internal experiences to maintain our safety and well-being. Consider the physiological response of entering a bustling, noisy space compared to leisurely strolling along a serene beach at sunset—just this thought triggers a physiological reaction. Chronic stress resulting from unaddressed parental responsiveness can
impair the development of the prefrontal cortex (Arnsten, 2009). Additionally, witnessing our children under stress triggers a sympathetic response in parents, in order to spur parents into action. The concern comes when parents have not had time or support to address their stressors, and then struggle to respond appropriately to their children. This is why taking care of our health as parents really must be a priority!
Creating conditions for effective co-regulation
Many of our parents, grandparents, and great-grandparents lived through harrowing times such as wars and economic crises, leaving lasting generational trauma. While childhood exposure to such circumstances might be beyond our control, as adults, we ideally possess the agency to extricate ourselves from chronic stressors and create change. Acknowledging past traumas, although daunting, is essential to release the patterns to parent consciously, and ideally not pass them along to our children.
As parents, recognizing the load we carry is vital as it can detract from our ability to be fully present for our children. As a sensitive person who has experienced burnout multiple times prior to becoming a parent, I understand the importance of aligning choices with values and intentions, to lessen the load.
If you have sensitive or neurodiverse children, you may be aware as to how keenly they sense our emotional states, often internalizing our experiences without the context or tools to process them. There will always be some things we pass along – no one is perfect, but prioritizing our ongoing self-care as parents is a big step in the right direction. As Dr. Jorina Elbers from HearthMath emphasized during our Summit, self-care isn't merely a luxury but our responsibility.
Prioritizing self-care for holistic child development
When we prioritize our self-care, we enhance our capacity to support our children by being present, responding to their needs with empathy, and guiding them through challenges in developmentally appropriate ways. Our example is how they learn to respond to challenges. In being present to empower our children, we aid them in fostering healthy social-emotional development, self-awareness, and bodily autonomy. Co-regulation plays a pivotal role in the development of a healthy nervous system, also influencing various bodily systems, including digestion and immunity. A balanced nervous system equips our children to focus, engage with others effectively, and navigate adversities.
If there is one take away from this, I hope you understand how important your self-care is as a parent, not just for yourself, but also for your children.
Want to learn more with Katie?
Katie Connolly is an award winning Speaker, Teacher, and Healer. She is an Expert Registered Yoga Teacher with a Registered Children’s Yoga School, a Craniosacral Practitioner, and Master of Counselling Candidate. Katie’s passion for sharing Somatic tools with families and educators stems from learning them as a child from her Mother, to support her with anxiety, ADHD tendencies, and dealing with many challenging life experiences. Go here to join Katie in nourishing your family’s nervous system.
Katie Connolly, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Katie was given the gift of breathwork and meditation as a child by her Mother, and discovered what she now knows as Somato-Emotional Release. Katie understands first hand how these simple, yet powerful tools have contributed to her resilience and is inspired to share these tools with families and educators, to empower sensitive and ND children. Katie is an Expert Registered Yoga + Children’s Yoga Teacher, a Craniosacral and Somato-Emotional Healer, founded a Registered Children’s Yoga Schools, and is a Masters of Counselling Candidate. She has been sharing these tools for over 12 years and has received many awards, to include the Mom’s Choice Awards® Gold Recipient for her Children’s Yoga Cards.
References:
Arnsten A. F. (2009). Stress signalling pathways that impair prefrontal cortex structure and function.
Nature reviews. Neuroscience, 10(6), 410–422. https://doi.org/10.1038/nrn2648
Steffen, P. R., Hedges, D., & Matheson, R. (2022). The Brain Is Adaptive Not Triune: How the Brain Responds to Threat, Challenge, and Change. Frontiers in psychiatry, 13, 802606. https://doi.org/10.3389/fpsyt.2022.802606
