Written by: Janet Philbin, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
This is the time of year when people think about new year resolutions. The intention behind the resolutions is always good and positive. Follow through to keep your resolutions, even when you start off strong, fades away and you find yourself back in the same old patterns and routines that you really wanted to change. I have some ideas as to why this occurs.
It is the same as when I meet my clients for the first time. They tell me they want to change. Something in their life is not working and they are ready to heal their emotional wounds, change their patterns and commit to themselves. They have been unable to make these changes on their own. It is a vulnerable and brave act to make the call to a therapist for the very first time.
Even though my clients want to change, feel less emotional pain, get out of relationships which they know do not serve them, improve their parenting, stop habits which are harmful to them, improve their confidence, free themselves of guilt and shame and reduce their anger they continue to hold themselves back from realizing their goals. I do not believe they hold back because they don’t want to change, I believe they hold back because they do want to change but are afraid of what change will really mean in their lives.
The complicated thing about change is that to have room to invite something new into your life you need to release something old. To put a new coping skill in place and use it means saying goodbye to a way you are used to being and a habit you are used to using. That is challenging and it may feel scary. Even when we know our habit is not good for us, it has also served a purpose and role in our lives, letting it go can feel like a loss. It reminds me of how hard it is for some children to give up a pacifier when they have outgrown it. They are so used to using it to soothe themselves that giving it up can create anxiety within the child. The object, in this case the pacifier, needs to be replaced with something age-appropriate and that the child agrees with using. It still must serve a self-soothing purpose but in a more developmentally mature way.
Adults are attached to their coping skills, self-soothing habits, patterns, reactions, and the ways we are in relationships. It is important to pause and ask yourself:
What gets in your way of making the changes you want in your life?
Why do you self-sabotage your best intentions?
To move through the pain, you first must be ready to experience it, that means making space within you to feel it. It also means gaining an understanding of what may be keeping you stuck. If you are not ready to look at your pain, there is more than likely an emotional block. I have some thoughts about this based on my 22 years as a clinical social worker helping clients through many different life crises and moments of pain. I have found there are four common reasons that may be keeping you from making the changes in your life that you desire.
1. Fear- When you experience fear it can be an experience of shutting down or turning away from what feels scary or overwhelming. Fear tells you many stories. The stories feel like a driving force and are based on an outdated belief system or false narrative. Will you have to be brave? Yes, you will. If fear is part of what is holding you back, then I invite you to come into your heart space and begin to ask yourself the questions below. When you pause and take the time to journal the answers to these prompts you give yourself a chance to go inward to explore what is underneath the surface emotion of fear.
Am I afraid of my feelings?
Am I afraid of losing myself as I am right now?
Am I afraid of change or that I may have to be the one to change?
Am I afraid to heal because I do not know what that means for me?
2. Self-Judgment- Self-judgment is born out of a harsh inner critic. It is the part of you who is always looking at you and what you do through a critical lens, telling you a false narrative about why who you are or what you are doing is wrong or not good enough. This is an internalized voice that originated in childhood when you heard the judgments of the caregivers and/or the other adults in your life telling you in a myriad of different ways that you were not good enough just as you are. The messages may have been about your grades, how clean you kept your room, the way you spoke up or not in your family, the sports you played or any other area of your life. The voice in your head may speak to you using a lot of, “should haves.” You have been hearing these messages for so long that they have become internalized and accepted by you. Your critical and judgmental self is always speaking to you, and you believe it. Here are journal prompts to explore self-judgment:
How old were you when you first began hearing criticism and judgements from your caregivers?
What was said to you? What was said about you?
What feelings and emotions arise within you when you reflect on these words?
The origin of the self-judgment was not born within you, but it was a projection of the adult’s own pain. Can you recognize this? What are some examples?
What is it like for you to have this understanding for yourself now?
3. Unworthiness- Unworthiness holds within it the feelings of blame, shame, and guilt. It means that you are holding yourself responsible for things that you have experienced in your life, more than likely from childhood, that were not your fault. Feelings of unworthiness keep you stuck because you are left believing you are not worthy of love, understanding and belonging. When you hold these feelings about yourself in your heart and mind, they take up a lot of emotional space. They do not let you heal; they prevent you from finding compassion, love and understanding for yourself. You may hold onto limiting beliefs that sound something like this: “I am not smart enough, I am not deserving, or who am I to be…”
If this sounds or feels familiar, I invite you to journal:
What are the feelings of shame, guilt and/or blame about?
What is the story you have been holding onto about shame, guilt, blame? Look at the story objectively. Examine if it is true or if it is a false narrative you have held for so long that you have kept believing it.
What are the feelings and thoughts that come up for you when you think about the fact that you deserve to feel better? Can you allow for this?
What would it be like for you to be free of the unworthiness and all that goes along with it?
4. Attachment to Anger- Anger is a cover-up emotion. There are always feelings, usually very powerful ones under anger. I like to use the metaphor of a metal garbage can when speaking about anger. Anger is the lid, and all the feelings are stored in the can. It is very easy to access the lid. When something upsetting happens in your life you “flip your lid,” the anger pours out of you which gives you an emotional release and then you put the lid back down. This only gives you temporary relief. Flipping your lid does not help you express the real feelings in the can that the lid is keeping down. You have become so attached to using your anger as a defense when big feelings get awakened within you do not want to let the anger go. You do not know what it would be like for you not to rely on your anger as a protective mechanism. It is quite possible you are not aware of how attached you are to your anger. Here are some journal prompts to help you look at whether you are attached to your anger.
Do you believe your anger helps you?
What purposes does your anger serve in your life?
How long has the anger been there?
How does anger get in your way of relationships and connection?
What are the feelings your anger covers up?
It is possible to keep your New Year resolutions. It is possible to make the changes you want in your life when you approach it to step by step. Yes, making real changes in your life will take effort and time. Healing is a journey of self-exploration, self-love, self-care, self-compassion, and forgiveness. Change may feel complicated but change and emotional health are possible. Using the journaling prompts I have shared will give you a great place to start. It is time to be brave, to be vulnerable and to create the life you want to live.
Janet Philbin, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Janet is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker, Certified Hypnotherapist, and Certified Conscious Parenting Coach. Janet helps adults heal from the emotional pain and trauma of their past. She is the owner of Janet Philbin, ACSW, private psychotherapy, and hypnotherapy practice. For 21 years, Janet has been successfully helping people recover from their emotional wounds and change their lives with the power of transformational healing and hypnotherapy.
She’s the author of, Show Up For Yourself: A Guide to Inner Awareness and Growth. Her book offers readers a framework to heal their emotional wounds and become emotionally whole once again. Show Up For Yourself hit Amazon’s bestseller status and won as a finalist in the 2020 Readers Favorite book contest. She works closely with Dr. Shefali Tsabary, NY Times best-selling author and Oprah’s favorite parenting expert, as an ambassador in her Conscious Parenting Coaching Method Institute.
