Nicolle, a seasoned family law lawyer and mediator with 25 years of experience has embarked on a remarkable journey. From her legal roots, she's evolved into a solopreneur, mindfulness advocate and a passionate Ubuntu Believer. Her mission? To unlock the power of compassionate leadership, weaving the profound principles of Ubuntu into the fabric of personal and professional lives. In her vibrant world, Nicolle nurtures unity, compassion, and interconnectedness, guided by the African wisdom that proclaims, "I am because you are." She's your go-to guide for transformative workshops that infuse Ubuntu's magic into corporate and professional settings, driving cultural transformation.
Nicolle Kopping-Pavars, Lotus-Law
Hi,
I am thrilled to be writing this for you and your readers…thank you for this gift.
My name is Nicolle Kopping-Pavars and I awaken transformation and ignite inspiration!
However, there was a journey to get to this place of knowing and inner contentment.
My life has been a tapestry of events, each one unique and sewn together to form this beautiful quilt of pieces and warmth that is my life.
I was born in Johannesburg South Africa and truly had a wonderful childhood.
I wasn’t anything special (although my father would tend to disagree), I worked hard at school, I went to ballet and drama classes, and I did what every good girl is supposed to do. I didn’t break rules. I was like a chameleon and fit in with everyone the "cool" kids and the "not-so cool" kids.
After I graduated from university with a LL. B degree, I couldn’t find a job so instead of moping, I opened my own law practice. Yip, no clients, not much experience and a small office that I rented month to month. What I did have was a desire to change the world.
I knew how important it was to feel seen and heard. I also knew what it felt like to be overlooked or ignored. I wanted people who worked with me to really feel like they were important to me.
I was innocent and naive without any business acumen or knowledge just a desire to be real and authentic in how I showed up…my practice grew just from word of mouth.
In 2001, we emigrated to Canada and now I had to make a big decision. My South African law degree was not recognized in Canada, so I could either go through the accreditation process or I could start a completely new career. I decided that I would reinvent myself as a lawyer in Canada and once again role model kindness and compassion in the law.
When I look back on my life from law school graduate to where I am now, I come with a string of successes and every reason to be grateful however it wasn’t always easy. What kept me going was my deep commitment to who I am as a person and how I choose to show up in every interaction.
Tell us about a pivotal moment in your life that brought you to where you are today.
In order for me to explain how the idea of compassion and kindness became my true North Star, I must go way back in time.
What follows is a story trauma, compassion, conflict and wisdom.
It all began, a week before the actual incident happened. I kept waking up from a terrible recurring dream. I kept waking up not being able to breathe. In a panic my husband would ask what was wrong and I would say “The dream - I had to swallow my rings. I couldn’t breathe. I was choking.”
A week or so after these recurring dreams started, I was sitting in my law office minding my own business, when I heard a very strange noise.
It was one that I had never heard before, it sounded like a wounded animal crying, and it was so distressing.
As I walked towards the commotion, I saw a man who I didn't recognize, standing over a woman who was on the ground. He was towering above her, and the noise that I had heard was emanating from her.
Without even thinking, I stomped down the passage and shouted: “Hey what's happening here?” and then a man stepped in front of me, and I was facing the barrel of a gun which moved to my right temple. I had just walked into an armed robbery.
The leather jacket I was wearing, became my ally as it was initially constructing my movement hindering any attempts to tie me up. My dream's hushed guidance resonated within me—"swallow your rings”. With a deft sleight of hand, I took my rings off my fingers, quickly shoved them in my mouth, put my arms behind my back and was tied up.
I was then shoved into a room and I surveyed the scene in front of me. To my right, was our legal assistant, she was comatose, her eyes were open, and she was rocking backwards and forwards muttering something I couldn't understand. To the right of her, in the other corner, was our legal secretary, she was on the floor in a fetal position crying. To the left of me, was a gunman responsible for our lives. He had been ordered to untie our hands and take all our jewelry. He was asking us questions about the office and where money was located etc.
Now remember, I had my rings in my mouth, I couldn’t speak! I had no choice but to swallow.
As I swallowed, my very thin wedding band turned and I started choking. Again, I remembered my dream, I knew what to do. I was being guided!
I just kept swallowing, focused on the ring going down and being able to breath. I knew I could do it, I had been training during my previous week’s nighttime dream marathon.
Eventually, the ring went down and when I could feel myself breathing properly, I felt this blanket of protection surround me. Its warmth oozed its way through me and I just knew without any doubt, I was going to be okay. As I looked at the gunman with a fresh perspective, I saw a very scared individual and I only had compassion for him.
I looked directly at him and quietly said “It’s going to be okay, I forgive you.”
He looked at me as though I was speaking a foreign language.
“I forgive you, it's OK, it’s going to be OK” and with that, he started crying.
He began to tell me his story, he had a family to feed, he needed money and he didn't want to be here. He asked me again for forgiveness and started crying.
"I forgive you," I said again gently, tears now streaming down both our faces.
I don't know how long we spoke for but there was a signal of sorts, and then it was over, just like that! I sat there in silence, grateful for this unexpected exchange but mostly for my life.
In the midst of what could be described as an extremely traumatic experience, compassion had just saved my life and it is through this lens that I have been able to bring compassion, kindness and Ubuntu leadership into all I do and all I come into contact with.
You can never walk a mile in someone else’s shoes but you can ask them to describe it to you.
If you could change one thing about your industry, what would it be and why?
Such a great question!
I believe in a world where kindness and compassion are greater than fear and hatred and I do not see why this shouldn’t apply to families and people in transition. Family Law tends to focus on anger and is rooted in fear and conflict.
As a family law lawyer, I realised that every single aspect of family law is filled with trauma. A wounding, a hurt, a pain. Clients are swimming in it, lawyers are swimming in it and judges are swimming in it, but no-one is calling it out for what it is.
The family law system as a collective, is wounded.
I became intrigued with the notion that if we viewed the system as a collective (of people and professionals within it) we could heal the system by becoming trauma wise, trauma informed and trauma responsive.
The goal of a collective trauma integration process is to release and thereby integrate the trauma that is stored both within individuals and within groups of people who share a similar trauma pattern in their collective unconscious.
An essential component of this technique is to strengthen the relational coherence of the group. When this happens, the group can release a portion of trauma, and thus, a portion of frozen intelligence of humanity. The goal being that as we continue this work together, we create a more open, compassionate legal system that has the potential for a brighter future.
I developed an entirely new family law process that has Trauma Awareness and Responsiveness as the core foundation. I call it the Compassionate Integration Process.
While we all understand that the legal system cannot be changed overnight, the Compassionate Integration Process is a way to evolve what we already have.
It is a process that understands and respects that trauma plays a huge part in family dynamics and transition. It is sensitive to and responsive to trauma, allowing families time to heal, grieve and make rational legal decisions with the help of a family professional and fully trained trauma wise team.
The Compassionate Collaboration process embodies compassion, neutrality and positive forward-thinking ideologies to assist families through transition and teach them how to navigate the road ahead with insightful strategies, tips based on experience and emphasis on touchpoints/reviews to reduce the prospect of future disputes.
What inspired the creation of Lotus Law? Why the name Lotus-Law?
Lotus-Law was initially created as a division of my law practice that was at the time called NKP-Law.
The name was in part inspired by the quote below by Ajahn Chah as well as my own transformative experience in Thailand.
“We can see the mind as a lotus. Some lotuses are still stuck in the mud, some
have climbed above the mud but are still underwater. Some have reached the
surface, while others are open in the sun, stain-free.
Which lotus do you choose to be? If you find yourself below the surface,
watch out for the bites of fishes and turtles”.
― Ajahn Chah
When I was studying Mindfulness in Thailand, I was on a bus driving along the pitted roads out in the Chonburi province forest region. Very often you see lotus flowers rising out of the muddy water. Some are in full bloom, others still waiting to bud, some covered in mud and others as clean and as vibrant as ever.
The lotus flower represents life as we know it. In order for it to grow, it needs a dark and muddy environment. As humans, our environment is also essential for our personal and spiritual growth. We all have free will, we can choose to live in the darkness, the mud and the mire and simply exist, drinking in the toxins of life. Or, we can gain courage and strength and learn to rise above.
Without mud there is no lotus. Without struggle, there is no transformation. That is the law of the lotus.
My Journey of Courage
Around 2016, despite all my success, I still felt like there was something fundamental missing.
I felt empty and sad…a lot of the time.
My journey of courage started when I took a vulnerable leap of faith and admitted to friends and colleagues that I was struggling, and things just didn’t feel right.
Lo and behold, almost every lawyer I spoke to said they understood exactly what I was talking about. - they felt it too. They felt alone, lonely, overwhelmed, and scared.
Now, I don’t like to surround myself with people or situations that bring me down and I am all about finding solutions to problems…that’s what lawyers do right?
I took a year-long course in Mindfulness and trained as a Mindfulness in Law teacher. I then furthered my studies when I went to Thailand for two weeks to study with the Monks in the Northern part of Thailand. I then deepened my practice and teaching by completing a Mindfulness teacher training certification through the teachings of the Venerable Luang Por Pramote Pamojjo (Thailand) in December 2017.
In 2018, I created and established Lotus-Law to bring mindfulness and meditation to lawyers and the public at large.
In 2022, I once again took a leap of faith with full belief in myself and closed my law practice and focussed my energy completely in wellness, kindness and compassion. I bring energy work, mindfulness, meditation, personal development, inspiration, transformation, Ubuntu leadership and self discovery into peoples lives.
My success as a business owner, family member and friend is my ability to:
TRULY SEE every person before me.
UNDERSTAND what they need from me
RECOGNIZE and IDENTIFY their core values and activate their True North.
The only way to stay on course in this crazy journey called life, is to activate your GPS (Guidance Provided by Source ) and navigate life using your true north as your compass and guide.
I awaken transformation and ignite inspiration!
