Written by Randi Corrigan, MA, LMHC, LPC, Guest Writer
So here I am in my late 30’s and still looking for “the one”. After all these years my standards continue to rise, which coincidentally diminishes my pool right? Well one thing my girlfriends have assured me of is that anyone you meet at this age most likely has kids already. Bummer, right? Or maybe not? What drives this apprehension, and does it have to be such a stigma? Perhaps this means that they are responsible enough to raise a child, and could offer me a new challenge? I am learning more about this since meeting my partner this past year who is divorced and has a 14-year-old son. Since embarking on this journey in this new relationship, I’ve learned that dating someone with kids comes with unique joys and challenges. Yes, even therapists have challenges in relationships!
Five tips to help you navigate this rewarding journey effectively
1. Embrace open communication
Clear and honest communication is the foundation of any relationship, especially when kids are involved. Discuss your feelings, expectations, and any concerns with your partner. This transparency fosters trust and helps you both feel more secure.
When first meeting my partner, he made it very clear that he would be the only one disciplining his child and he hoped that I would come to him directly with any concerns I had about his child’s behavioral conduct. Through this open and honest dialogue, I learned that he had a disciplinary stepparent as a child, and this caused him to feel betrayed by his own parent. As someone without any parenting experience, I can respect his role and defer to his style of parenting and subsequent discipline.
2. Understand the importance of their role as a parent
Another lesson I learned is that I must suppress my own ego and recognize that his child will always come first. It’s crucial to acknowledge the time and energy they devote to being a parent and being flexible when plans change. Now of course I want to throw a fit when my partner calls me to say our dinner plans are delayed because he must pick his son up from his afterschool program, but guess what, too bad. I am allowed to feel disappointed, but his priority is his child, and I must respect that.
3. Take it slow with the kids
Building a relationship with your partner's child requires patience. I think we waited 5 months before I met my partners son, and I let him be the one to make that decision. Our first time meeting, we all went to Six Flags Great Adventure, which seemed to be a casual activity that allowed for natural interactions and for his son to engage with me at his own pace. By the end of the day, he had opened up to me and was talking about some of the girls he liked in his school.
4. Establish boundaries together
Setting clear boundaries is essential for creating a harmonious environment. Discuss what both of you are comfortable with in terms of family involvement, parenting styles, and how you can support each other. For example, when staying overnight or living together is it appropriate for the child to climb in bed with their parent like they’re most likely used to? Or is it appropriate to enter the child’s bedroom to clean up or even look for the missing remote perhaps? I try to keep our PDA to a minimum in front of my partners child, until he tells me otherwise. Boundaries help prevent misunderstandings and create a respectful dynamic.
5. Celebrate the journey without personalizing any resistance
Dating someone with kids is a unique experience filled with ups and downs. Celebrate the small victories, whether it’s a positive interaction with the child or a meaningful moment with your partner. We must remember that being a child of divorce or loss of a parent can be extremely difficult, if not traumatic. The child could perceive you as someone trying to replace the other parent which could create resentment or even overt disdain. I mean, I remember my response to seeing my mother dating someone new after my parents’ divorce, was to throw this man’s belongings out onto the street… (yes, I know a bit aggressive). But we must be prepared for some resistance from the child as they adjust to seeing their parent with someone new. I am sure they will come around in time and these moments can deepen your connection.
Dating someone with kids can be a fulfilling adventure that enriches your life in many ways. By embracing open communication, understanding parenting roles, and taking things slow, you can navigate this journey with confidence and compassion. Remember, love is about growth, patience, and celebrating the unique dynamics that come with blending families.
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Randi Corrigan, MA, LMHC, LPC, Guest Writer
My name is Randi Corrigan, MA, LMHC, LPC (she/her/hers). I am a licensed psychotherapist that specializes in addiction and relational trauma. I run a private practice in NY and am currently working on expanding my work to wellness coaching for women. I own a home in Westchester, NY where I reside with my cat and my hobbies include yoga, hiking, dancing and anything involving animals or the outdoors.
