Written by: Sara Davison, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
They say familiarity breeds contempt and the pandemic has certainly provided the perfect opportunity to put this age-old adage to the test. It’s perhaps unsurprising that the collateral damage of lockdown saw a record spike in divorce inquiries around the world with UK family law firms reporting a surge of more than 40% during and since quarantine. New statistics from the ONS show the largest percentage increase in divorce petitions for 50 years in England and Wales during 2019, and further surveys suggest the pandemic is causing growing marital discontent across the nation. Add to that financial worry, a lack of social life, and a general feeling of housebound claustrophobia, and it’s no wonder the country’s married couples are showing signs of strain.
These challenging times will have had an impact on both of you. It may have changed the way you think about life and the priorities that are most important for you. The pandemic thrust domestic arrangements and frustrations into sharp focus. This has had a devastating impact for some couples as they are hit from all sides including money worries, working from home arrangements, sick family members, managing children’s stress, and homeschooling. Money is one of the most common causes of marital strife and over the last year people have had to contend with unemployment, being furloughed, or taking home lower paycheques.
My advice is always to work on the relationship and not give up. However, there are times when you need to be brave and face the fact that it just isn’t working. If you are with a partner who doesn’t love you it will be damaging to your confidence and self-esteem. If they don’t want to be with you anymore then forcing them to stay is never going to make you happy. Divorce is never the easy option - it is an emotional rollercoaster with practical challenges and financial stresses thrown in. If you think you may be headed for a breakup or divorce, my top tips for how to start out in the best possible way are:
1. Get your support team in place. It’s easy to get overwhelmed with the breakup process from a financial, legal, and emotional perspective, whilst trying to maintain your daily routine too. So, it’s vital to get experts around you who can help answer all the questions you have and give you the best advice. For example, if you are concerned about finances then find someone who can help you create a financial plan for your situation which will enable you to feel more positive about the future.
2. Get clarity on what you spend each month so you can understand your spending patterns. Create a budget spreadsheet of your weekly and monthly expenditures. You need to take ownership of this so you feel more financially independent and in control.
3. Agree with your partner what to say to the kids about the breakup. The ideal scenario is to sit down together if possible and tell them together. Reassurance that they are loved and that this is not their fault is key.
4. Treat each other with respect and kindness. You are bound to disagree over matters at some point so make an agreement to treat each other with kindness and respect and this will create a strong foundation, helping to keep things as amicable as possible whilst minimising tension.
5. Pick your battles. In the heat of the moment, it is easy to get worked up over the little things. Take a step back and work out if you will really care about this in a few months’ time. This will help you to get perspective on what is important and what is emotion getting the better of you.
6. Don’t talk about your breakup to everyone you meet. Share your feelings with close friends or family but don’t get sucked into a world where the only thing you talk about is your split.
7. Don’t bad mouth your ex to others. This may well get back to them and make things worse. Of course, you can be honest with your inner circle of select friends and family but avoid openly discussing your ex in public.
8. Self-care, eating well, and exercising is crucial to keeping a strong mind and enabling you to make better decisions. Exercise is a great way to instantly boost your state of mind. Even a brisk walk around the block will help you feel better and help you stay in control of your emotions.
9. Write a list of all the things you weren’t happy with in your relationship as you take off the rose-tinted glasses. If you are heartbroken and finding it hard to let go of your ex this is a great exercise. When we reminisce about our partners it’s easy to focus on all the good bits and romanticise about things. But this will keep you stuck in the past and it isn’t always reality as this list will show.
10. Spring-clean your life. Create a plan for the life you want to live and the person you want to become. Out with the old and in with the new. Try new things, do things differently and make small changes that add more sparkle to your life.
11. Don’t forget to keep some fun in your life. Breakups bring a rollercoaster of emotions so make sure you find ways to laugh and connect with those you love. Breakups are an opportunity to rediscover yourself and, whilst you may feel like curling up and hiding away from the world some days, making an effort to see a friend or try something new will help you feel stronger. It’s so important to have fun things in your diary so you are not all consumed with your breakup. There is more to life than relationships and you need to maintain a healthy balance in other areas of interest too.
12. An amicable divorce doesn’t mean you don’t need legal advice. A legal advisor will give you clarity about what to expect from your split. This will ensure you make the best decision for you and your family and you won’t have any regrets in the future.
A good breakup or divorce is one that is fair and respectful and enables you to have the best chance of an amicable relationship with your ex in the future. But most importantly it is one where you rediscover who YOU are and gets you excited and hopeful about your future. You only live once so it’s time to start redesigning your future just the way you want it and feeling good about yourself and what lies ahead!
CREDIT: To obtain a free Breakup Survival Guide, or to find out how you can become a Divorce Coach please visit www.saradavison.com
For more advice on how to navigate breakup or divorce, listen to Sara’s podcast at www.heartbreaktohappinesspodcast.com
Want to learn more from Sara? Follow her on Facebook, Instagram, Linkedin and visit her website.
Sara Davison, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Sara Davison, best known as ‘The Divorce Coach’, is an award-winning authority on break-ups, divorce, and life empowerment. She’s the best-kept secret of society’s elite with a client list that spans actors, politicians, and sportsmen from all over the world. A twice bestselling author (Uncoupling, The Split), Sara’s empathetic and holistic coaching style empowers individuals to take back control and positively transform their lives.
As a CDC Certified Divorce Coach, NLP Master Practitioner, and qualified hypnotherapist, Sara combines 20 years’ coaching experience together with her own personal experience of marriage breakdown to create bespoke coaching programmes; from banishing heartbreak and conflict resolution to confidence building, co-parenting, being effective in the workplace during divorce and dating again. Coaching is tailored to suit client’s lifestyle needs; from one-to-one private coaching at Sara’s clinic or by home visit, to the immersive group environment offered on her highly acclaimed Breakup Recovery Retreats – right through to online video courses which can be completed in the comfort and privacy of people’s homes.
Sara made a name for herself having launched the UK's first-ever Break-Up Recovery Retreat, dubbed as ‘Heartbreak Hotel’ securing rave reviews across national media. Such was the impact of Sara’s Breakup Recovery Retreat that the concept was also commissioned for a TV show, “Heartbreak Hotel’ with Sara starring as the expert.
The last year has seen the continued expansion of Sara’s thriving global business and brand. Following the launch of Sara’s Breakup & Divorce Coach Practitioner Accreditation Programme, Sara has now created a coaching community of 180 Divorce Coaches spanning 13 countries and five continents. The training programme is designed to help those interested in becoming a coach as well as existing coaches who want to take their business to the next level. Sara equips delegates with the same tools, techniques, and strategies she acquired when training with the most revered experts in the field of personal development including Anthony Robbins, Paul McKenna, Richard Bandler, Michael Neill, and the Barefoot Doctor.
Within the community Sara has firmly cemented her reputation as the go-to expert in the field of domestic abuse, joining forces with The Dash Charity as their charity patron. At government level, Sara also consults on marriage and divorce legislation, most recently the divorce law reform with The Ministry of Justice.
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