Fresh back from maternity leave after having her 4th, Dr. Toni gets real transparent with us about her life experiences and how they’ve informed her mission in life in business, in marriage and in parenting. Psychotherapist, high level mentor, speaker and author of a best selling Amazon book The Reset, A High Achievers Guide to Freedom and Fulfillment, Dr. Toni doesn’t disappoint as she shares about challenges and triumphs in this must read interview.
Dr. Toni Warner, Success Mentor for Parents + Professionals
Introduce yourself! Please tell us about you and your life, so we can get to know you better.
I’m a mom of 4 beautiful children (13, 9, 5 and 15 weeks old). I was a single mom at the age of 21, but that didn’t stop me from completing my bachelors program and walking across the stage to obtain my first college degree the very next year, with my daughter on my hip. I continued on to further my education and career as a single mom for several years before dating my now-husband and creating our blended family together. I’m now married to a computer guy, and we are opposites in so many ways! I’ve learned and grown a lot through the unexpected challenges that come with creating a life with and parenting with another person.
What is your work inspired by?
In the past, I’d struggled with my own mental health and in early adulthood I also burnt out. Those were hard times. People think of burn out as just a work kind of thing but it’s more than that; burn out is personal and it can happen in our intimate relationships too. Mental health challenges like anxiety, depression and trauma just complicate the matter further. My own personal experiences with these things fuel my passion for my work in such a profound way.
I’m the black and white daughter of divorced pastors and spent a good portion of my childhood as an overweight tomboy. I was also a new girl a lot, due to moving between both parents' churches and houses. As a kid, I struggled to feel like I fit in. In fact, I was secretly struggling with bulimia and cutting by the time I was only 12 years old. Since I was a gifted student, a well-behaved kid, kept my feelings to myself and I socialized well, people didn’t know about my hidden struggles. I’d go on to struggle with depression and anxiety for many years- well into my young adulthood experience.
I’d always wanted to feel like I had roots somewhere; I wanted to feel connected in a really meaningful way, but it seemed like the typical ways other people related to each other didn’t work for me. Like, I just didn’t fit into categories that other people seemed to, and that is the perspective I held throughout the formative years of my life. So at a young age, I realized that if I over-worked and over-gave, then I’d temporarily feel like I was wanted, needed or of value in some way. It wouldn’t be until decades later that I’d realize that many people feel the way that I felt, even though I thought I was the only one at the time.
Because of my childhood experiences, I decided at a very young age that I wanted to be a mom and I wanted to be a professional helper who impacted people's lives in a really meaningful way.
In my mind, those were ways that I could feel meaningfully connected and also feel like I belonged.
Fast forward to now, and my past experiences continue to inspire me and my work, but not because I feel like I have anything to prove (which I used to feel). Instead, my experiences inspire my work because I’ve learned how much is truly possible, regardless of past challenges. The pains of my past don’t define me, instead, they help to refine me, which actually enables me to show up more powerfully for those I support.
I tend to serve and attract people with the most ambitious and/or most caring hearts because they resonate with my own story and journey, both personally and professionally.
If you could change one thing about your industry, what would it be and why?
I fall into numerous industry categories, like healthcare, mental health, business and coaching. I think a fair way to sum up those industries is to collectively call them service-based leadership industries. If I were to change one thing about these leadership industries, it would be how they measure and talk about “success”. In fact, redefining success is a pivotal part of my mission, both personally and professionally.
Success is way too often measured using unhealthy standards. In the mental health field, “success” is often measured by the amount of self-sacrifice you’ve made in service to others, which leads to epidemic levels of burn out. In the business and coaching realms, “success” is often measured by either fame through reputation or via financial wealth. In pursuit of those forms of “success”, far too many people wind up feeling unfulfilled, stuck, lonely or burnt out. Ultimately, the results of measuring “success” in these ways wind up negatively impacting the relationships or health of the well-intended service-based leader.
I believe the meaning of life is to learn and to grow as we meaningfully connect and contribute while allowing as much joy, love, passion and purpose as possible. If we are doing that, then we are living a life well lived. To me, living a life well lived is the true measurement of “success”. So if we were to redefine success in those terms, then we would be focusing our time, efforts and energy in very different ways. Wealth and influence can still result from living this kind of “successful” life. In fact, I’d argue that wealth and influence could both be used more meaningfully and enjoyed more thoroughly, if we revised our definition of success in this way.
How do you help your clients, what is your business name and what’s the mission?
I care about the intersection of mental and spiritual health and the way in which they impact and interact with our relationships, our sense of success and our feeling of fulfillment (both personally and professionally). I believe a framework that infuses science, psychology and soul-work together creates the most transformative of experiences. So I run two businesses that allow me to research, share and serve in various facets in these regards within these areas. One of my businesses is my therapy business, which I began in 2018. The other is my mentorship and consulting businesses, which I began at the end of 2019, right before COVID hit.
My psychotherapy business, Authentically Me Psychotherapy, focuses on clinically supporting clients who are navigating trauma or anxiety symptoms as well as on healing toxic relationship patterns for teens and adults. I moved to a virtual model during COVID and have found it to be effective for myself and my clients, so I continue to provide individual therapy as well as family therapy via teletherapy there.
My mentorship business focuses on inspiring and teaching other parents and professionals meaningful life success and balance that actually works, so they can feel more satisfied in their work and relationships while optimizing their lifestyle, wellbeing and performance. There, I get to be really creative with how I support my clients, so I go beyond just the 1:1 service model. I enjoy connecting and providing value, inspiration, and support via online courses, free Youtube videos, social media postings, email newsletters and other practical resources I share. I still deeply enjoy working 1:1 with clients though, so I make sure to hold limited spots for that work as well as offer group coaching at different times of the year. It’s important to me that I support my clients in dynamic ways, so the high level coaching I provide is tailor-made, as are my speaking engagements.
What are your qualifications for doing the work that you do? Are there certain methods you use most often?
Aside from some of the personal experiences I’ve already shared, I’ve worked in the field of mental health and human services for almost 15 years. I’ve been an entrepreneur for 5 years, and prior to that I worked in various settings as a psychotherapist or social worker. I’ve worked in the residential setting providing acute-level mental health services. I was also a mobile therapist and behavior consultant for children in need of emotional support and their families in need of parenting support. I worked within the schools and communities providing emotional support counseling as well as consultations for staff, administrators, community members and parents around topics such as mental behavioral health support, parenting, stress management, communication mediation, child development and so on. There were plenty of ups and downs, but I’m proud of my work history, the experiences I’ve gained, the relationships I’ve built and the way in which all of these has contributed to who I am today.
As far as my education, my PHD is in human sexuality, my first Masters is in Clinical Social Work and my second Masters is in Education. My degrees complement my innate skills and my joy of teaching, and of viewing the person as an individual living within multi-faceted systems. I’d say the majority of my clinical career has focused on healing trauma and relationships. Although I'm trained or certified in a variety of powerful methods, like Mindfulness Based Stress Reduction Techniques, Parts Work, Trauma-Informed Cognitive Behavior Theory (CBT) and Brainspotting, I don't subscribe to any one cookie-cutter method in any of my work. I'm eclectic in many ways, and firmly believe that methods intentionally infused with research and techniques incorporating brain, body and spirit are highly potent and effective when used appropriately.
Can you tell us a little bit more about you and what you do when you’re not working?
Sure! I love to bake, cook, walk, listen to audio-books, act goofy and try new foods.
For me, integrity is practicing what I teach. Since I essentially teach how to live a more balanced, fulfilling and successful life, that’s what I strive to do myself each day. I intentionally craft my schedule to focus in on what I truly want to prioritize at any given time. So, in addition to working on my business or working with clients, I also enjoy some family time, some fun time and some self-care time. How that looks on any given day may vary, but some days it may look like me watching a movie with my husband, baking a cake for a birthday, or trying out new recipes for family meals. I also love silly dancing and singing with my kids, walking in nature or enjoying one of my delicious delights- homemade lattes, fresh baked bread or chocolate!
Do you have any resources you’d like to share with our audience today?
Absolutely. I recently created a customizable PDF template for the entrepreneurs, leaders and parents out there who are desiring more ease, flow and clarity in their day-to-day. It’s free on my website (link here). Although if they’d like some more guided support I’ve created a brief mini-series to give extra guidance in how to implement it. That’s on my website too (here).
I have a few more powerful yet practical resources in my HUB on my website for those who want to explore additional opportunities for experiencing more meaningful success and satisfaction in their work, life and relationships.
And, I’m often creating novel ways to support my community of leaders, parents, public figures and busy professionals. So, if there's a particular thing you're looking for support with that's not in my HUB, you can send in requests or questions on my Q & A form (here).
Follow me on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedIn, Twitter, and Youtube, or visit my website for more info!
