Written by: Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Imagine this, you are sitting at a Mother’s Day Sunday brunch. Everyone is wearing their best clothes, the food is divine and people are happy – but you cannot understand why everyone is celebrating their mother. You may even have been made to pretend how perfect your mom was at this event, buy her a gift, parade her around, and praise her, all while you secretly suffer while you do this. It feels “weird.”
We are often bombarded with glowing reminders of how great our mothers and being a mother is when Mother’s Day arrives. Originally developed to honour Anna Jarvis’s mother after she passed for all of the sacrifices mothers make for their children, Mother’s Day is now a 37.1 billion dollar industry a year in the United States alone. It is also the busiest day of the year for many industries including cards, flowers, and restaurants, just to name a few. It is a day society celebrates mothers for all that they do, or are supposed to do. We put mothers on a pedestal, whether deserved or not.
While there are some fantastic mothers out there who do a great and thankless role in shaping humans it is tragically not the case for everyone. No one really wants to talk about the “evil mother” or the “nonexistent” mother. But I will. I personally and professionally know how damaging having a narcissistic mother can be and the annual painful reminder of one’s ongoing loss, trauma, and pain that arrives on Mother’s Day every year.
A simple stop at a local store can be a reminder for many people. Imagine walking to the store to pick up some essentials and then you see the big Mother’s Day display – shot! Other people may smile and pick up a card that says may great things. Some cards talk about love, unconditional regard, and helping you build your life but no card says anything about maltreatment, abuse, neglect, or anything negative. Clients often tell me how they may not be able to go to a store let alone walk by the card section as it is too triggering for them. No card says “Happy Mother’s Day you destroyed me.” Clients share that they stand at the card display, feel obligated to get a card, and feel like a fraud at the same time. This experience and pain should not exist.
Children of narcissistic mothers, whether their mothers are living, estranged, or deceased, get triggered by Mother’s Day events, cards, commercials, and the downright harsh things people may say to them. All of the above serves as an ongoing painful reminder of what one did not have despite it being every child’s right to be loved, cared for, and protected. Feelings of embarrassment, pain, feeling like they are a fraud, loneliness, anger, jealousy, and trauma are often present in survivors of maternal narcissistic abuse.
If this is not your situation, I and other survivors of maternal narcissistic abuse are happy for you and also confused by your experience. It was not our reality.
So if this is not your experience how do you help those who have this painful experience?
If this sounds like you or someone you love here are a few things you can do to help them during an often troublesome, or even traumatic time of the year.
How to Help Someone During a Triggering Event like Mother’s Day:
Understand that everyone’s journey is different.
If you have or had a loving experience with your mother that is great. Please do not try to tell someone else that their situation or their past is “not that bad.” (This is what we refer to as “gaslighting” in the field and is a form of emotional abuse).
Please stop saying “She is your mother,” “You should forgive her,” “or move on.” Please stop saying “You’ll regret this when she is gone.” This is not helpful and often promotes further isolation and pain. Survivors are already in a lot of hidden pain. No one deserves this.
Appreciate that everyone has the right to govern the type of relationships they want to have with others, including the relationship they have with their own mothers. Everyone also has the right to change their minds, and as many times as they want as well.
Please help your friend celebrate their day the way they want to without judgment.
If you are a survivor of maternal narcissistic abuse there are a few things you can do to help make days like Mother’s Day more manageable.
How to Make Mother’s Day Less Traumatic:
Be gentle with yourself!
If it is too triggering, avoid commercials, shows, or events that may bring up painful memories until you can work through them either on your own or with a qualified registered therapist who understands this complex dynamic.
Know that you are not alone, even if it feels this way right now. No one talks about this so survivors often feel extra alone during Mother’s Day and other holidays.
It may sound weird – but you will need to learn how to “mother” yourself. This is where a qualified registered trained therapist can help you on your healing journey.
Because you need to learn how to mother yourself you should also learn how to celebrate yourself on that day. For example, as I work on my healing journey, I often get myself my favourite meal, purchase myself some flowers and spend time with people whom I love. My close circle helps celebrate me and I help celebrate them!
Regardless of what your situation is, know that you can get through this. My hope is that by sharing this often hidden and taboo topic more people will not feel alone. Too many people secretly struggle with the hidden and taboo pain of maternal narcissistic abuse.
As always, if this resonates with you and you would like support please call me or my trusted team at Keep’N It Real Solutions as we would love to walk alongside you to help you heal.
And Happy “You” Day.
Malissa Veroni, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Malissa Veroni is the founding CEO and lead therapist at Keep’N It Real Solutions. For the past 15 years Malissa has been a foot soldier in the field of social work; teaching, and serving students and clients alike. She is a published author, mentor, and mental health therapist who focuses on combining theory, practical approach and individual quality holistic care to help clients heal and grow from a variety of concerns. Malissa is known as a specialist in the field of Narcissistic Abuse, Intimate Partner Violence, the LGBTQ2s Community, and in Sex Therapy. She is also a Designated Capacity Assessor and a mentor to several social workers worldwide.
