Written by: Christine Luken, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I’m amazed that so many couples avoid money talks before getting married. With financial issues being listed as the first or second cause of almost 75% of divorces, this is a conversation that has to take place.
Please don’t wait until you’re engaged or moving in together to start having money conversations with your boyfriend or girlfriend! If you’re getting physically naked, it’s probably also time to get financially naked with each other. Here are the money talks you should be having at every relationship stage.
Money Talks for Every Relationship Stage
Casually Dating
When you first start dating someone, just observe how they talk about and handle money. Do they allude to the fact they have a ton of bills, credit card debt, or big student loan payments? Do they always insist on paying for dates, or insist on you paying? Or are they “even-steven” when it comes to going out? Do they admire financially successful individuals or refer to them as “greedy rich people”? These casual observations will give you clues as to how they handle and think about money.
It’s wise to be cautious at this relationship stage, and not overshare about your finances. Why? Because things like identity theft and financial deception do occur in dating relationships. If a new partner is asking to borrow money, be added to your bank or credit card accounts, or is requesting sensitive financial information, the red flags should go up!
Exclusively Dating
When you begin to get more serious with your significant other, now’s the time to start having more in-depth conversations as money topics come up. You don’t necessarily have to set up a formal meeting and say, “Now we’re going to have a serious talk about money!”
Start asking open-ended questions like these:
How did your parents handle money when you were a kid? Do you agree with their approach?
What financial goals are you working on right now?
Would you say you’re more aggressive or conservative when it comes to investing?
Remember, just because your significant other does something different from you with their money doesn’t necessarily mean it’s wrong. Our past experiences and what our parents taught us (or didn’t teach us) about money can influence our behavior today.
Engaged
Once you’re officially engaged, I highly recommend you take a personal finance course with your honey. At the very least, read or listen to a book on money management together. Going through the material as a couple will spur in-depth conversations between you and your fiancé regarding personal finance.
It might also be helpful to work with a financial coach to help you navigate combining your finances. This is especially true if one of you has been married previously, there are stepchildren involved, or one of you is coming into the relationship with a disproportionate amount of either debt or assets.
Important Note: Do not formally combine your finances until after the marriage is official. Some weddings never happen, and it can be a difficult process to get the other person removed from your accounts.
Don’t wait until after you’re married to get financially naked with your significant other. No hidden purchases, debt, or savings. Talk about how you will handle your house's day-to-day financial transactions. Who is going to be responsible for making bill payments, buying groceries, and purchasing items for the house? Is all of your money going to be in one joint account, or will you keep some spending money separate?
If you have these conversations before getting married and work out the issues, you’ll likely have a strong, loving marriage that lasts. However, you could discover there are deal-breaker issues. Isn’t it better you find this out now rather than after the wedding?
Married
Already married? We like to tease about hiding our purchases from our husbands or wives so we don’t “get in trouble;” however keeping money secrets from your spouse is no joke. At this relationship stage, we need to prioritize honest communication about money. It doesn’t matter if you are hiding purchases, credit cards, or even savings accounts from your significant other, “financial infidelity” can wreak havoc on a relationship, and potentially lead to divorce.
The first question to ask is this: “Why do I feel the need to hide this from my spouse?” Maybe you know you shouldn’t be buying more clothes, toys for the kids, electronics, etc. on a credit card. Maybe you’re squirreling away money in a separate savings account because you’re afraid your husband or wife will find a way to spend it.
When you dig down to the real reason for financial secret-keeping, you’ll find the issue usually isn’t money; it’s trust. You need to talk to your partner and get these concerns out in the open. If you’ve tried this in the past and had a less-than-stellar outcome, enlist the help of a marriage counselor or financial therapist, if necessary.
Money can be a problem in your relationship or an opportunity for growing closer as a couple. If you communicate regularly with your spouse or partner about money, you’ll increase the odds of having a rock-solid relationship. Communicate early and often! I highly recommend weekly 15-minute “money dates” to discuss your spending plan and other financial matters.
Christine Luken, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Ready for money to support your happiness, rather than stress you out? Then you need Christine Luken, Financial Dignity® Coach in your corner! As the Founder of the Financial Dignity® Movement, Christine has coached hundreds of high-earning professionals, business owners, and divorcing women to pay off staggering amounts of debt and massively increase their net worth. The author of several books, including Money is Emotional and Financial Dignity® After Divorce, Christine blends wise money management with emotional intelligence.
