Written by: Mireia Lopez, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
We all live in a busy world; we are constantly on the go. Things have changed a lot in the past few years.
This is a good thing, because we are evolving and improving (maybe, hopefully) but it can also have a negative impact on some aspects of our life, like relationships. We are so focused on our own self (so we can drag ourselves from one thing to another) that it is hard to find time for quality connections with others, including those so close to us.
Not only it is difficult to manage and juggle everything in order to survive and maybe even thrive, but also add guilt to the mix. Guilty for not calling your best friend, guilty for not cooking healthier meals every day, guilty for not exercising enough, guilty for not playing with your kids… But I wonder… why do we feel guilty? Can we use it to actually improve the way we do things? Can we stop feeling guilty and enjoy life a little bit more?
We all feel guilty at some stage no matter who we are or what we do. However, mums are well known for feeling that emotion more often than other people in our daily life. We want to protect, provide, entertain, teach, connect, interact, create… and we forget how human we are after all, and we forget that “done is better than perfect”, and our children certainly don’t need perfect.
Where is the guilt coming from?
EXPECTATIONS. Yes, that’s it. It comes from ourselves. No one tells us that we should feel guilty, no one asks us to feel bad about the things we don’t do. We do that to ourselves. We want things to be so great or so perfect that we create very high expectations about it. But then reality hits and things don’t go as planned, and we feel guilty or frustrated about it.
Where do expectations come from?
COMPARISONS. With others or with ourselves (from the past specially). It is very easy to see what others do nowadays. Social media is constantly showing us pictures and videos about how “perfect” everyone’s life is so we question “why is my life, my family, my house, not like that AT ALL?”. But we also “learn as you go” and create those evil expectations based on what we always thought adulthood should be. Those expectations we create when growing up make us believe that life is easy and then we feel guilty about not being able to keep up and not being able to have everything under control.
How do we get rid of that guilt?
Don’t forget about the most important thing here: GUILT IS AN EMOTION. It comes and goes. We can’t get rid of any emotions, but we can learn to understand them and control them. Guilt is NOT a bad thing! It keeps us grounded to who we are and our values, it means you care about it. But how do we control guilt?
Notice it. Name the emotion when you feel it, say it out loud: I feel guilty. Recognise it and share it if you can. Talk with someone close to you or write it down. Turning emotions into words helps you understand them.
Find the cause of that guilt. What exactly do you feel guilty about? What were your expectations that you did not achieve? What did you not do, what did you do wrong? Create a statement. For example: I feel guilty because I shouted at my kids, and I should not shout. Parents shouldn’t shout.” Or “I feel guilty because I woke up late and now the kids are late for school; I should wake up earlier.”
Analyse what triggered that negative reaction that made you feel guilty, why did you do what you did instead of what you think you should have done (why did you shout if you think parents shouldn’t shout? Why did you wake up late if you set up your alarm early?). You need to notice this: the kids making a mess or being late to school is a fact. Everything else are emotions: I shouted because they don’t care about my work at home. I woke up late because I went to bed too late last night.
Once you are clear on what triggers your GUILT in that situation, you can then work on it. Work on the trigger, not on the guilt. Change how you react to that trigger. Kids not caring about your hard work is the trigger: it is not that they don’t care, they just have different expectations! Show them what you do, tell them how you feel, be honest, help them understand the pressure you have every day, give them time and space to help at home and turn it into a game. You going to bed late is the trigger, set up a bedtime alarm, force yourself to switch off earlier, focus on the consequences of it like your kids being late to school. It’s not worth it.
Revise your new actions. When the kids make a mess you don’t shout, you express how you feel about it instead. They don’t want you to feel bad so they understand and tidy up, or you all do it together. It works. It will take time and practice, but it will change the way you react to everything in life and your actions will bring you growth rather than guilt.
CONCLUSION:
We feel happy, angry sad, scared, loved, guilty… every day. Guilt is a negative emotion, but it reminds us of our values constantly. We can get rid of guilt by changing how we react to the trigger:
Recognise it: “I feel guilty”
What do I feel guilty about? “I feel guilty about…”
What causes it, what action/emotion triggered that guilt? “I feel guilty about… BECAUSE…”
Decide how you want to react to that trigger according to your values. “When this happens again I will…”
Did it work? Did I react differently? How do I feel about it?
Practice makes perfect, keep trying this process every time until your brain creates the habit to do it automatically. You will feel so empowered and in peace with yourself. Your kids will be a lot happier too. A happy parent is as perfect as a parent can be.
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Mireia Lopez, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mireia Lopez is qualified as a Primary school teacher with a Masters in Psychology. She is the founder and director of Discovery Playtime and mum to two children who inspired her to start her business. She is passionate about play and child development and promotes the power of play so parents and educators can understand the impact that play has in the development of skills during childhood. To create better generations and more independent and confident adults we need to start by improving the way children play and interact with the world.
