Written by: Gary Napier, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
How what you say may have a positive or negative impact on your relationship
3 Ways to help you change your language.
Ok, so I’m probably going to show my age here, but does anyone remember the UK 1970s sitcom, ‘Mind your language’? It was set in a classroom, with students from different backgrounds, cultures, and languages, all learning to speak English. This program would never be aired now, as it was very non ‘P.C’! The stereotyping of black and Asian students with an undercurrent of racial slurs, kept us all entertained, (even me, not really understanding the comments fully, until later on in life).
Well, I’m not here to write about how un-politically correct the program was, but it did have a strong message; regarding how differences can come out through language and how we understand each other. If you think about it, sometimes that is what happens in an intimate relationship. We collide together, not thinking about the issues that may crop up in the future. We notice the differences, but we choose to ignore them, even thinking they are charming at the time, but now they have become a source of irritation and even anger!
As a therapist, part of my role in the counseling room is to listen very carefully to the words that people say to each other. Often it reveals where the person’s mindset is. This is found in the couple's attitude towards the relationship, their partner, and where they think the relationship is going.
From a young age, we are handed down a script that subconsciously becomes a part of our language and behavior. It usually starts with our parents, followed closely by our teachers, friends, and the media.
Whatever narrative we have received, even if it is positive or negative, it will affect us. This will show up in every relationship we form unless we decipher which messages we want to keep and which we would like to let go of. However, if we are unaware of our predisposition, then change will be unlikely, and therefore, we will make the same decisions, continuously, whether good or bad.
I have counselled many couples over the years, and the primal cause for a breakdown in a relationship is communication. Have you found yourselves in an argument that seemed to appear from nowhere? The shouting and screaming, followed by indignant and sarcastic remarks. How can you read the signs? How can you even prevent such a disagreement from escalating again?
Firstly, start with awareness. We must become aware of our own behaviour. To do that, we need to be very honest about ourselves and how we treat our partners. If we were to listen to the words we say, would we feel joy or pain? Would we welcome them or reject them? It’s that old saying ‘treat people the way you would like to be treated, and that goes for language too, so speak to people how you would like to be spoken to.
Take a moment to think about an argument you had with your partner and how it intensified. Think about how you behaved. Did you raise your voice? Was your language abusive? Did you say anything you regretted? Now think further back into your childhood. What did your parents argue about? How did they behave towards each other? Were they respectfully getting their point across, or were they shouting insults and put-downs? Ask yourself whether you want to carry on with this script or rewrite another.
Secondly, try to avoid using certain phrases or words that can trigger situations and bring in a negative outcome:
“You always do this!”
“You never do that.”
“There’s no point anymore, nothing is going to change.”
“I never said I was perfect!”
“You’re such a...”
“I hate it when you do that”
“Not again?!”
Thirdly, replace the old words and phrases with something like this:
” I understand that it upsets you.”
“This is how it affects me when you do that”
“Ok, so it hasn’t worked till now, but do you think we need to try something different?”
"I feel like I am getting this wrong, what is it that I am not seeing?”
“Can you help me understand?”
These phrases will show your partner that you are not only listening but that you have empathy towards them and that you are open to change.
Change is incredibly hard, but with commitment and determination, it can happen. We can easily form habits through the repetition of behavior that is learned. So anything that is learned can be unlearned, all we need to be is focused. Furthermore, we cannot change others, only ourselves. When you change one perceived small thing, it can have a great knock-on effect, which in turn not only brings further changes to yourself but to others around you. It is infectious!
Einstein once said, “Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.” This principle can be applied to relationships. So often, we cannot see that we are repeatedly doing the same thing and getting upset with the familiar results. Start with small acts of kindness. Stop and think; can you speak to your partner in a more considerate way? If you take the time to do this, you may just find they respond differently.
So, in short, if you find yourself in the middle of a blazing row with your partner, remember to ‘Mind Your Language!’
If you are struggling in your relationship and would like some professional help, then please get in contact with me:
Gary Napier, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
As an Accredited Counsellor and Qualified Life Coach, Gary Napier’s, main passion in life is to bring freedom to others. His role as a counselor is to come alongside people and help them overcome their ‘pain,’ so they may have a ‘hope’ and ‘purpose’ for their life. Gary’s counseling sessions offer a ‘safe’ space, whereby clients feel comfortable to share openly without any fear of feeling judged, criticized, or ashamed. His non-judgmental attitude, natural warmth, and empathetic listening skills make Gary one of the top counselors to work with. He specializes in couple counseling, anxiety, anger management, and self-esteem. The Gap Counselling has seen a substantial increase in demand, especially over the last two years, during the pandemic.
“People are really struggling. They often come just to be heard. It is an enormously powerful thing to be listened to” ‒ Gary Napier
