Written by: Gary Napier, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Last week, it was Men’s Mental Health Week. You may wonder why we have all these events highlighting areas in our society, well, I believe it is needed to remind us that men need support too. Just the statistics alone can portray a frightening picture.
Men are three times more likely to commit suicide than women, with men aged 40-49 having the highest suicide rates in the UK.
Men reported lower levels of life satisfaction than women according to the Government’s national wellbeing survey.
Men are less likely to access psychological therapies than women: only 36% of referrals to NHS talking therapies are for men.
Men are far more likely than women to go missing, sleep rough, become dependent on alcohol, and frequently use drugs
So, why is it that men don’t ask for help? Or when they do, why do they get laughed at?
Before I became a counselor and therapist, I would often joke that talking about my problems in front of someone I didn’t know, was really pointless. I couldn’t see how speaking to someone would help at all. If a problem arose in my life, then I would handle it myself. I thought that by asking for help, I showed weakness.
This is not an unusual philosophy for men. Part of the passage from boyhood to manhood is learning how to ‘man-up’ when times get tough. You weren’t allowed to cry, show sadness or any sort of fear. You had to show yourself as strong in every situation. However, you were allowed to express anger and frustration, even if it upset others. Society accepts angry men but not those who are afraid. The ironic thing about anger is that it is often covering up the emotion of fear or sadness. When men are angry, they are actually expressing fear. Throughout the majority of my childhood, my male role models had this same narrative, which had also been passed down to them, from their male lineage. Somewhere along the line, the message of becoming a man has gotten distorted.
I recently watched a film called ‘Calloused Hands’. It is a film about a young boy who lives with his mother and step-father. His step-father sees that he has potential to become a great baseball player. At only 12 years old, he is put through a grueling regime of practising everyday, and constant verbal abuse, from his step-father, who is trying to toughen him up. Through the training, the boy develops callouses on his hands, from holding the bat too long. His step-father assures him that this is part of becoming a man.
Whilst the step-father’s vision is not wrong, his methods were extreme, leaving the boy feeling unloved, unworthy and totally confused. He watches his step-father, physically and verbally abuse his mother, and sees him drunk or high from drugs. The mother gets into financial difficulty and eventually goes to visit her father to ask him for money. Her father agrees to the loan on one condition; her son is to have a ‘bar mitzvah’. Bar Mitzvah is the Jewish ceremony, where it celebrates the ‘coming of age’. During the ceremony, the boy would have to recite scripture in Hebrew, to show his spiritual maturity and therefore be declared as a ‘man’.
It got me thinking how in the west, we don’t have a coming of age ceremony. Sure we have the 18th birthday where you take your first legal drink! However, I have counselled many young men and their definition of maturing into manhood, is to have sex with a girl, after which they see themselves as a ‘man’. The sad thing is, many men have learned to become a man from the absence of a father, and therefore, they have had to rely on social understanding from their family, peers and media. No wonder we have so many confused men in the world, who don’t know who they are and don’t know how to ask for help.
The fact is, we as men are bringing more sons into the world with the same problem - an identity crisis. A possible root of mental illnesses stems from this lack of identity. It is even more prevalent now, since the birth of social media. We are continually bombarded with images and narratives, of how men should be, often in contrary positions. So how do we solve this ‘identity crisis’ in the male population? Firstly, we need to make society aware of the issue. It starts at the root level, speaking about it in schools, in the family home and in the workplace. Understanding that we are more than just the physical bodies we live in, and mental health is equally important. When either part of us is not fully healthy, it has an effect on our whole being. Talking about such issues is the primal place to start pulling back the male bravado and remove the mask.
Some years ago, I was battling with depression and even suicidal thoughts. I had to ask myself the question who am I? Who am I really? Since I had no one to talk to about it, I decided to see a counsellor. It was probably the best decision I ever made and I realised that talking can be a deeply healing process. The counsellor was able to guide me through some very painful experiences that I had kept hidden, which had led to regular angry outbursts. If I had left these issues unresolved, I would have continued to hurt myself and others I loved around me. Of course, just because I am a counsellor, I am not saying that you have to have counselling to get any resolution, but I am saying that men, especially, need to talk. Whether it is a professional or someone you really trust, the healing can happen and you can start your journey of freedom.
As part of my journey, I wanted to see other men freed from this burden. So with some friends, we started an online group, named ‘Man In The Mirror’, meeting weekly, via Zoom. It has grown from strength to strength. Men come to hear other men speak on real-life issues. They have found it so beneficial, with many of them becoming regular visitors to the group. The group is called, ‘Man In The Mirror’, because during my darkest time, I remember hearing the Michael Jackson song, especially with the line ‘take a look at yourself and then make a change’. So if you want your life to change, it’s going to have to start with you.
Men, it’s time to talk!
If you are interested in joining us, please contact us through the website.
Gary Napier, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
As an Accredited Counsellor and Qualified Life Coach, Gary Napier’s, main passion in life is to bring freedom to others. His role as a counselor is to come alongside people and help them overcome their ‘pain,’ so they may have a ‘hope’ and ‘purpose’ for their life. Gary’s counseling sessions offer a ‘safe’ space, whereby clients feel comfortable to share openly without any fear of feeling judged, criticized, or ashamed. His non-judgmental attitude, natural warmth, and empathetic listening skills make Gary one of the top counselors to work with. He specializes in couple counseling, anxiety, anger management, and self-esteem. The Gap Counselling has seen a substantial increase in demand, especially over the last two years, during the pandemic.
“People are really struggling. They often come just to be heard. It is an enormously powerful thing to be listened to” ‒ Gary Napier
