Written by: Melissa Stone, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
It's a common dilemma: the struggle to say no. For many people pleasers, the thought of turning down a request at work can evoke feelings of guilt, fear of disappointing others, or anxiety about being perceived as selfish.
Yet, constantly saying yes to others' demands can lead to burnout, resentment, and a neglect of one's own needs. Fortunately, saying no is a habit that can be broken with practice and self-awareness.
With this simple 5-step process, even the most dedicated people pleasers can learn to assert themselves graciously and effectively!
Step 1: Acknowledge the request
The first step in saying no gracefully is to acknowledge the request. It's essential to make the person feel heard and understood. This can be as simple as saying, "I hear you" or "I see where you're coming from." Acknowledging the request validates the other person's needs and demonstrates empathy, laying the groundwork for a respectful conversation.
Step 2: Express appreciation
Once you've acknowledged the request, it's time to express your appreciation. Let the person know that you value their trust in you and that you genuinely wish you could help. Phrases like "I would really love to help you" or "I appreciate you reaching out to me" convey your gratitude and reinforce your willingness to support them.
The key here is to make the person feel heard, valued and respected as you prepare to decline their request. That way, they tend to feel far less defensive or upset when you say no, and you tend to feel far more comfortable knowing that psychologically you have set the scene for everyone to feel “ok”!
Step 3: Explain why you can't help
Now that you've laid the foundation, it's time to explain that you’re unable (or unwilling!) to assist.
A great all-encompassing phrase is "Unfortunately I'm totally over capacity right now"
“Over capacity” can mean lots of things! It could mean mentally, that you simply cannot take on any more mentally. It could mean in terms of workload, that there aren’t enough hours in the day to fit to this additional request in. It could mean in terms of your stress, that your mental health and stress level is already at max capacity, or much more.
There really is no need to expand, just saying you are "over capacity" is enough to communicate your boundaries without the need for elaborate excuses. Remember, it's okay to prioritize your own needs and responsibilities above everyone else’s!
Step 4: Offer an alternative
Although you may be unable to fulfill the original request, offering an alternative demonstrates your willingness to support the other person in a different capacity. Again, this tends to move the person away from a defensive space, into one of appreciation and value.
Whether it's suggesting a future timeframe when you'll have more availability “I’m free next week if that would suit?”, or helping them find someone else who can assist them, “Can I help you figure out who else could do this for you?”
Providing alternatives shows that you're still invested in their goals, while relieving some of the pressure on you.
Step 5: Embrace self-validation
As a self-proclaimed people pleaser, successfully saying no can be a significant victory. Take a moment to acknowledge and celebrate your assertiveness and self-respect. By setting boundaries and prioritizing your own needs, you're nurturing a healthier relationship with yourself and others.
Remember that saying no doesn't make you selfish or uncaring—it's an essential act of self-care. Feel proud of yourself for honoring your boundaries and staying true to your values.
Conclusion
Learning to say no is a vital skill for people pleasers who want to maintain their well-being and autonomy.
By recognizing that the habit of constantly saying yes can be detrimental and understanding that it's a habit that can be broken, you can begin to assert yourself confidently and respectfully.
With practice and self-awareness, saying no becomes less daunting and more empowering, leading to healthier relationships and a greater sense of self-worth.
Melissa Stone, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Melissa Stone is an Irish Career Coach and leading HR Consultant with a passion for empowering individuals and organisations. Driven by a desire to make a significant impact, Melissa transitioned from her role as a Global HR Director to establishing her own career coaching and consulting firm. Her unique approach combines positive psychology and insights with practical strategies, guiding clients to achieving the level of success they want and deserve.
