Written by: Dr. Ann Moir-Bussy, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Do you remember when you fell in love? And do you remember the words, the looks, the smiles, the commitment, and deep embraces as you began your journey together as a couple? Everything is filled with promise and possibility, until slowly, almost without noticing, the warmth becomes cold, and you forget, or don’t notice that you are not listening or looking or looking attentively or understanding this other person anymore.
Love becomes war!
It can be easy to forget that the word LISTEN contains the same letters as the word SILENT.
LESSONS FROM TAIZÉ
I work with many clients who get to this point in their relationship. Recently I was reminded of a journey I made in 1989 to a tiny village in the middle of France called Taizé. I had heard how each year hundreds of thousands of people, particularly young people, traveled from all parts of the globe to join together in prayer, reflection, song, and dialogue, and the differences between them melted away as they united at a deep inner level.
The group was founded by Brother Roger, who left Switzerland in 1940 and moved to France, where his mother lived, to get well from tuberculosis. When the Second World War broke out, he was convinced he needed to help and support refugees, including German soldiers and those impacted by the war, and so he moved to Taizé, and with the help of friends, bought a house and a few buildings to provide shelter for them.
Other men came to help him, and by 1949 seven men came to live in the community with him and join in his work.
Today there are over 100 Brothers in this large ecumenical group, becoming a sign of reconciliation between divided Christians and separated peoples. I was fascinated and made the journey myself.
What they have to share with us
As the bell tolled for prayer the evening that I arrived, I joined over 3000 people in the Church of Reconciliation. Outside, young people were holding up signs - ‘Silence”. Then, chatter ceased, and a deep and beautiful silence fell upon us as we sat on cushions amid the soft glow of candlelight. I knew no one, but it was as though I knew everyone, as Polish, Germans, French, British, Russian, Asian, and dozens of other nationalities, came together in peace and unity.
A single voice rang out in a simple chant, "Ubi Caritas” (Where there is love, there is God), and within moments the over three thousand voices took up the chant in waves of harmony. The repetitive, meditative phrases washed a deep peace and oneness into the throng. The feelings are still with me over 40 years later.
A Bible passage was read in twelve languages and then more chants drawing one both inward and outward in a deep sense of unity.
There were no divisions, no polarizations, or dualism, as we see so prevalent today in society, in countries and in families and workplaces, and even within one's own spirit.
WHAT WE CAN LEARN
Travelers arrived at Taizé with baggage - backpacks, clothing, some with tents and blankets. They would find a bed in one of the large blocks, mixing with different nationalities, and a Polish group invited me in. It didn't matter that we didn't speak the same language.
When we enter into a relationship, we also bring baggage... including our inner baggage made up of experiences, stories, memories, hurts, and joys from our own life.
At Taizé, no matter where you came from, you are accepted and welcomed for who you are, and no one tries to change you. So, here are a few of the critical elements.
Silence enables you to hear what is going on around you. Silence also allows you to listen to what is happening within you if you are willing to listen. Such silence is warm and comforting, unlike the silence in some relationships, which is cold. A warm silence opens one up to hearing diversity and embracing it. In silence, we can learn to embrace the diverse parts of ourself including the shadows we don't like.
Ask yourself if your relationship has time for silence. And when there is silence outwardly, what is your mind doing? Is the chatter so loud that you can't hear the other standing right next to you? Or is your house so filled with noise that there is no time for silence? So what do you do when there is silence? So many, fill it with noise, the television, the radio, the mobile phone.
Silence also needs stillness and attention.
There is a saying that silence is a strong fence around your wisdom. If your foot slips, you can retain your balance, but if your tongue slips, you can never rebuild your image again!
Take some time to listen to the inner voice, too, the divine voice within, the voice of wisdom, of love, of self-compassion. Only then can you bring that to your partner. As William Penn said, True silence is rest for the mind. It is to the spirit what sleep is to the body, nourishment, and refreshment.
LISTEN to UNDERSTAND. Most people tend to listen with the intent to reply. And because we are wanting to reply – we are actually thinking of what we want to say next, and we are not listening. And the reply is often coming from the baggage we have brought with us. Because we haven't taken the time in silence to go within and to uncover what we no longer need, we pull it out, blame our partner for it and then, dump it on our partner.
I have listened to many clients doing this and watched beautiful relationships being destroyed. But, it makes such a difference when each one listens inwardly and recognizes and owns what is theirs and no longer throws it at the partner.
LISTEN TO YOUR HEART. And listen WITH your heart. The Chinese pictogram for the word ‘Listen' is indeed powerful.
Looking at the image, you will see the 'ears' but using the ears is not enough. On the right, you will see the eyes. To understand another's meaning, you have to look carefully with undivided attention and an OPEN HEART and FEEL the other. The ear symbol is also in the word 'Smart,' and for Chinese people, a smart person understands the art of listening.
When you were a baby, you didn't start to learn by reading or by speaking – you observed your parents and absorbed their expression of their sounds and feelings and emotions. How is it, as we grow up, we forget that loving, heartfelt attention? We no longer listen, and we turn away from what our partner is feeling or saying. We focus only on ourselves. Love turns into war!
Needing to be understood is a basic human need, and we all long to be understood, yet we are so slow to understand. How often I hear couples say to each other, "Why did you do that? WHY did you say that? Why, why, why? What is the point of asking WHY if you are not prepared to listen to the answer?
To summarise
Take some time each day to be STILL, to be SILENT, and to LISTEN.
Return to looking at your partner with undivided loving attention. Each of you has so much to explore not only within the other but also within yourself.
Recognize what is your baggage and get rid of it or transform it rather than dumping it everywhere.
To listen, you will need silence, your eyes, ears, heart, and mind.
Dr. Ann Moir-Bussy, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
The rich life experience of Dr. Ann Moir-Bussy spans decades of missionary work, teaching, counseling, transformative life coaching, consulting, and becoming a best-selling author.
She worked in schools across Australia and, in particular, in Indigenous schools in the Northern Territory and also trained Chinese students in Hong Kong in counseling and psychology. The founder and editor of the Asia Pacific Journal of Counselling and Psychotherapy, Ann, became an editor of the Australian Counselling Research Journal and editor of the Australian Journal of Clinical Hypnotherapy and Hypnosis.
During a life of transitions and transformations to now conscious aging, Ann now brings her dedication and zest to guide women, in particular, to discover renewed clarity, purpose, and direction as they embrace their powerful feminine wisdom and intuition in their afternoon of life. Through her programs, podcasts, coaching, and writing, Ann enables women to develop a strong spiritual leadership that brings transformation in their life, work, and world.
