Written by: Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
All relationships go through periods of conflict, times of disconnect, waves of content, extreme joy and everything in between. Relationships are meant to push us, to help us grow and better ourselves as individuals and as a couple. No matter how incredible one’s relationship may be, there is always room for development and expansion.
I love the expression, William S. Burroughs is credited with that states, “When you stop growing you start dying.” Lou Holtz modified it slightly by saying, “In this world, you’re either growing or you’re dying, so get in motion and grow.” So basically if we aren’t learning and growing on a consistent basis, we are dying. I wholeheartedly believe this hits the target with relationships as well. If we allow things in our relationships to get stale and stagnant, the connection fizzles and attraction can dwindle. We hear about this all of the time, we see it in our friends, family members, and even in our own relationships.
“We just grew apart.” “We wanted different things.” “They are not the same person I met all those years ago.” Whatever the quote may be, most of us can say that we have either thought it, said it, or heard it one too many times. I do agree that some relationships are meant to dissolve. Abuse should never be tolerated, in any form and some unions are not built on a firm foundation from the very beginning. I am not referring to those relationships here; I am referring to the majority of relationships out there that need a boost, a spark, a loving kick in the pants! This is a sign that there is some much-needed growth.
How do we continue to grow, you may ask? Thankfully, the list is not a short one, there are many areas that we can choose to grow and evolve. Taking a solid look at the different areas in your relationship that need some attention and more specifically what part you play in those areas is a good start. It may be brushing up on your intimacy skills or learning to fight more effectively. You may need to pick up some skills in the communication department or allowing yourself to be more vulnerable. Are you aware of the way your partner best receives love? Do you know your spouse’s favorite forms of foreplay? Do you find yourself keeping score? Do you expect more of your partner than you do of yourself in your relationship? There are limitless ways that one can continue to expand their knowledge of themselves and of their relationship and there is no better time than now to begin.
When does the learning end, you may ask? If you are looking to create a thriving relationship that lasts, it doesn’t so buckle up and enjoy the ride. Your relationship is what you make of it and it can be incredibly fulfilling and enjoyable, if you choose it to be. If we are not learning and growing, things tend to wane, they can seem boring and eventually wither and die…no thank you! I have been down this road and I will not allow it to happen again.
Just like a garden needs water, nutrients, and sunshine, your relationship needs nurturing too. In order for steady growth, we need consistent effort. Weeds will always grow, that is just how life works but if you can stay on top of them and have a plan for when they do poke through the soil, they will be easier to manage.
Divide and disconnect can magnify, resentment and hopelessness can set in. Before this happens, do the work. Little things stack upon each other, if they are positive experiences the relationship will strengthen and grow. If they are consistently negative encounters, the relationship will suffer and fade. For this very reason, it is important to be aware of the little things that you do, the small acts of kindness and love that you show on a consistent basis do matter. This is why being intentional with your words and actions are incredibly important.
When we communicate with intention, we create a relationship climate that breeds respect, love, and intimacy. In order to build such a climate, allowing each other the space to grow as individuals and as a couple is crucial. Getting curious about ourselves and learning more about what makes us tick, what makes us feel alive and supporting our partner through their journey and your journey as a couple is important.
There are copious amounts of tools and resources available that can aid you in your growth journey. Reading books on marriage, communication, intimacy, conflict resolution, finances, personal growth, etc. can get you started. Hiring a relationship coach is an incredible way to speed up the process. Having someone that specializes in growing the level of intimacy in relationships can provide you with an action plan to reach your goals and have fun with your partner along the way. Having outside support that can encourage you and your partner and guide you makes the process less complicated.
If you find yourself and your relationship in a place that needs growth, clarity, and some direction, I am happy to provide you with a map of exactly what you need to do to accomplish your relationship goals. Reach out, and let’s get started!
Shauna J Harris, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Shauna is a Clinical Sexologist, relationship specialist, and international best-selling author. She is the founder of Explore Intimacy, a results-based coaching practice.
Shauna utilizes her private coaching practice to guide couples through their relationship journey. She also helps to empower young adults through human sexuality education, which enables them to make the most knowledgeable and healthy decisions.
Through private sessions, workshops, articles, videos, and speaking engagements, Shauna is passionate about encouraging and supporting healthy families and intimate relationships.
Shauna grew up in Canada and now lives in the beautiful state of Arizona with her husband and two Yorkies.
