Written by: Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Making friends as an adult is hard. And not the romantic kind. The ones that you can rely on to have a laugh, a chat, and who will pick up the call when you need to talk. We are experiencing a plague of loneliness that has been fueled by COVID, virtual working, and ironically social media.
As an Australian who moved to the United States in 2013, finding new friends as an adult is hard. I left a lifetime of friends back in my hometown of Perth. Friends whom I had known for years, many for decades. When I moved here, my kids were young but not that young. Dropping them off for playdates became a bit weird if I was the plus one. So, I would drop my kids off and go about my day until it was time to pick them up.
People seemed busy with work, running kids to sports, church, and their own life.
For work at that time, I was a road warrior, seeing people for brief moments covering one-third of the state of South Carolina. Then my work turned to a more virtual format. I talked to people often all day and every day except they were in any state but mine. I did not see anyone regularly enough to form a bond. When COVID came, that isolated people even further.
Making new friends is hard.
I did finally make a couple of friends thanks to my kids play dates, then one moved to Tennessee. I made friends with a neighbor, then she moved miles away. The struggled continued…
I know I am less alone than it may seem. Millions of people are suffering from a lack of close friendships. Those friends you can drop by their house unannounced or those friends you can call to meet up for a coffee, glass of wine or just to have a good old chat when you need one. The United States can be such a transient population. People move for their jobs and their families all the time. If you check out the people that live in your street, many of them are ‘not from around here’. Many of them are lonely, just like you.
Why we need friends?
The importance of having a small number of close friends cannot be underestimated. Our human need for connection is a key driver for our innate happiness. Also, when we are happy, we spread happiness to three degrees of separation. Happiness is contagious.
Friends are good for self-esteem; they help you celebrate and take care of each other. A study by McKerron in 2010 showed that friends increased overall happiness by 8.2%, compared to spouses at 5.9% and kids weighing in at 1.9%. Good friends also make you healthier. Numerous studies have shown that friends can reduce cognitive decline, make you less prone to high blood pressure, and improve your overall quality of life.
Having friends also helps reduce stress. Having a good friend to vent to in stressful times is shown to reduce levels of the stress hormone cortisol. A good friend can help you find fresh perspectives, help you unload some of those inner thoughts and provide a good laugh when you need one.
So how can we make more friends?
Be Open
Finding friends means making ourselves vulnerable. Reaching out to people and not finding a good match can be part of the process but it can also be very organic. Being open to talking to others means being less connected to our phones and earbuds and more to our surroundings and just saying Hi! Keep your head up and look for opportunities. In your neighborhood, at kids sporting event, even in the supermarket.
Find Local Interest Groups.
Local interest groups give you an opportunity to meet a diverse array of people, but with a similar interest. It allows you space to get to know each other before you launch into a full-scale friendship. These are great for those of us virtual workers who seldom leave the house.
After working from home for years and with my kids getting older, it was time for me to venture out and do something for myself. I went through the Meet Up site to find local interest groups. I figured I was in such a beautiful part of the US that going hiking would be a good plan and I joined a local women’s hiking group. This is where I found my local BFF. Someone who is fun, adventurous, and easy to be with. Here’s to you Angie!
The benefit of being in a group setting is it is less like a blind date so you get to be around each other without the awkwardness. You get to know each other before you decide on meeting one on one and realizing that you are exactly what each other needed.
Reach Out
There are innumerable people around you feeling just like you, looking for exactly what you are. Look for local groups on Facebook or the app Next Door. Reach out and let people know you want someone to walk with, meet up for coffee, or who likes doing jigsaw puzzles.
An assortment of apps out there includes Bumble BFF (not the dating kind), Friended, Peanut (specifically for Moms), and Wink. These apps are designed to make friends and not the romantic kind. You can add your interests and create a bio, become friends online first, then move to a meetup. I learned last year about Sara Pinch in the UK. Sara was struggling with finding a way to get back into exercise after having kids. She reached out on her Mum’s Facebook group to see if one or two people would join her one night for a run. 75 people showed up! She has since gone on to create an immensely successful running movement, uniting mums from all over the UK to support each other to be healthier and happier, and making friends! It just took reaching out.
We do not know the voids that are out there and what we have that can so easily fill them.
Starting the Conversation
In today’s era we are all so busy priding ourselves on our differences. It is not our differences that bring us together, it’s what we have in common. Start conversations looking for what you have in common –kids, a love for travel, art, reading, cooking, Netflix or coffee. We seem to gravitate to people who are in a similar life stage to ourselves so that can be a good start. Ask the first question and let them do the talking.
Making new friends is not easy and just like dating, you may need to try out a few before you find the right ones. It may mean you need to step ever so slightly out of your comfort zone if you have gotten too used to your own company. Be brave. Reach out, because someone will be there to take your hand, they need it too.
Vivien Hudson, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Vivien Hudson is a reformed pharmacist who went through her own journey of discovery when she trained as a life coach, moved hemispheres, and achieved her Masters in Business Adversity. This training enlightened her to how much change we can affect in our lives by understanding stress, the stories we tell ourselves, and how we show up in our bodies. Self-awareness, finding purpose, and living authentically are at the heart of effective change and leadership. Vivien combines her experience in health and wellbeing, business ownership, and the challenges she has faced in her own life to bring depth and diversity to her work She is trained as a life and performance ontological coach, brain fitness practitioner, on purpose presenter, speaker, and corporate trainer. Her purpose is instilling courage to help those she touches live a life well-lived.
