Gillian Managing Director of Emerge Development Consultancy which she founded 28 years ago. She is a Master Executive Coach working with many CEOs and managing Directors globally. She is also an international speaker and in 2020 was named by f: Entrepreneur as one of the leading UK Female Entrepreneurs in the I also campaign. This year she was voted Leader of the Year by the Women’s Business Club.
Many individuals who have been diagnosed with ADHD will have RSD (Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria). RSD is not part of the diagnosis of ADHD and many people will not know that they are experiencing it and might not even have heard of the term. This article looks at the personal impact that RSD can have, how it might affect people in the workplace, and what support managers may be able to give.
For as long as I can remember, I have felt too much. I always seemed so much more sensitive than my friends – so much so that I was frequently labelled as overly emotional by colleagues, friends, and even loved ones. When faced with criticism, even when it was constructively worded, my emotions would spiral out of control. A simple comment or bit of feedback that someone else might take in their stride would hit me like a truck, leaving me raw, exposed, and overly upset. It wasn't just about the critique itself but what I believed it meant: that I was fundamentally flawed, not good enough, and, in some ways, unworthy.
For years, I believed this was just who I was – someone who was too sensitive, emotionally fragile, and incapable of "toughening up." I lived in awe of people who could deal with comments, take it on the chin and move on but it was far more complex than that for me. It wasn’t until I was diagnosed with ADHD that I finally began to understand that what I was experiencing had a name: Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria. RSD has been described as feeling deep emotional pain in the face of potential criticism. It can be so painful that it is associated with the word “dysphoria”, which is Greek for “unbearable.” In fact, it can be so intense that many people cannot even find the words to describe how it feels. The chemicals in the brain play tricks on a person’s mind, making it much harder for them to manage responses to certain situations.
The misunderstanding of sensitivity
I’d always understood that I was sensitive, but, looking back, I didn’t realise how excessively I responded to rejection or criticism. In my mind, if someone criticised me, it felt like they were attacking my entire character. This made working environments especially challenging. I was constantly preoccupied with whether I was doing enough or if people thought I was capable. If a coworker didn’t respond to an email right away or if I didn’t get the immediate validation that I was unknowingly seeking, I would agonise over it for days, convinced that I had done something wrong or that I wasn’t liked.
I was aware that my reactions were often disproportionate, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop the flood of emotions and overthinking that the criticism- or even just perceived criticism – triggered in me. I carried the weight of feeling like I wasn’t good enough, that no matter how hard I worked or how much I accomplished, someone would find fault in it and, therefore, in me.
Let’s look at the research so that we can understand some of the signs that individuals experiencing RSD may show:
Finding it challenging to feel good about themselves
Often feeling embarrassed or ashamed
Emotional instability: easily getting upset or reacting strongly if they think they are being rejected
Perfectionism, which is used as a technique to avoid being negatively judged
Fearing rejection
Setting tough personal goals and feeling disappointed when they are challenging
Finding it difficult to maintain friends and keep relationships
Seeing themselves as failures when they let others down
Anticipating failure and criticism more readily
Heightened emotional sensitivity
Low Self-Esteem – doubting their abilities and worth
RSD in relationships: Sabotaging before being rejected
Relationships, both romantic and platonic, can also be a minefield – they certainly were for me. I desperately sought reassurance – so much so that I know I pushed some people away. The need to feel accepted and validated was overwhelming, and when I did not get it, my mind would instantly jump to the worst conclusions: They don’t love me. I’m not enough. I’ve done something wrong.
Looking back, I can see that my need for constant reassurance wasn’t normal. It was exhausting for me, and it was also exhausting for the people around me. If the person I was dating or friends with wasn’t skilled at reassuring me, it would slowly unravel the relationship.
When someone I cared about didn’t respond to my texts, it was enough to make me spiral. I’d replay every conversation in my head, trying to pinpoint the moment I must have said or done something wrong. Days would pass, and I would convince myself they were angry or didn’t like me anymore, even if nothing had actually changed.
The need for reassurance is perhaps the hardest aspect of RSD. It feels like a bottomless pit where no amount of validation or praise can ever fill the void and this level of need to be externally validated was not just unhealthy, it was unsustainable.
The impact on my self-esteem
Years of feeling like I was never enough took a significant toll on my self-esteem.
RSD made me believe that every bit of feedback, every criticism, and even every silence was proof that I wasn’t good enough, not just as a professional but as a person. I struggled with the constant feeling that people were disappointed in me, that I wasn’t living up to their expectations, or that they secretly didn’t like me.
The diagnosis: ADHD and RSD
It was only in the last 10 years when I started to run our Women’s Development Programme, RISE, that I started to find techniques to overcome my overthinking and to truly begin to love and value myself. I recognised that if I was going to help other women, I needed to fix myself, and that set me off on a whole journey of self-exploration and recovery., If only I had understood years ago that I was not a “crazy” emotional person and that it actually was a condition associated with ADHD – that would have been so helpful.
Being diagnosed with ADHD brought clarity. I realised that my brain was wired to process emotions differently – it is a chemical imbalance. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria wasn’t something I could just snap out of or fix by being “less sensitive.” It was tied to my ADHD, and it explained so much about why I felt the way I did. I just wished with all my heart that I had known earlier. Understanding that my heightened sensitivity isn’t a personal failing, but rather a part of my neurodivergence, has been both a relief and a challenge. It hasn’t made the feelings go away, but it has helped me put them into context and deal effectively with them. I now know that when I feel disproportionately upset by criticism or obsess over a lack of response, it is RSD talking, not an accurate reflection of who I am or how others see me.
Once I had a name for what I had been experiencing, I started to navigate the world with more self-compassion. I can still be sensitive, and I still struggle with RSD, but knowing what it is has made it easier to manage. I use lots of tools to reprogramme my brain, nasal breathing to calm my fight and flight responses, affirmations, mindfulness and I remind myself that not every silence means rejection, and not every critique is an attack on my worth. It is a process, and I’m always learning, but having the language and tools to understand RSD has been life changing.
RSD at work – How managers can support
I guess I have been lucky that I run my own business and that I haven’t had a boss for the last 30 years as I can only imagine how people with RSD feel in the workplace. I can also imagine how, for managers it could be a challenge to manage them effectively. The majority of managers would never have heard of this condition and therefore could potentially see team members simply as being oversensitive and emotional. And of course, if the person were unaware that they had RSD then it would be easy for communication to break down. However, it does not mean that managers need to shy aways from giving feedback – it is just about understanding how it might land and the impact it might have. Often, if a manager feels they do not need praise and are happy to receive very direct feedback they might assume that is how other people want to receive feedback.
It is also vital for managers to communicate effectively with their direct reports as providing clear expectations and constructive feedback can help neurodivergent individuals to understand their performance in a less emotionally charged manner. Noticing people responding differently to feedback and asking deeper questions could also help to uncover real issues. Employers can help further by creating a workplace culture that emphasises the value of diversity and promotes acceptance and wellbeing. And most importantly, never set up meetings in the diary with no information about the content as you run the risk of the person going into overdrive expecting to be fired!
Offering mentorship programmes or peer support can further assist neurodivergent employees in navigating social interactions. Additional coaching around building confidence helps to support employees in identifying their unique strengths, as this could provide them with the strategies needed to manage RSD and encourage self-assurance. This is why it is so important to offer expert neurodivergent coaches who can truly help people to understand and manage RSD.
Moving forward with awareness
So, what is the message here? For anyone else experiencing these feelings, I want you to know that you are not alone, and you’re not broken. Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria is real, and it is a part of how some of us experience the world. But with awareness, support, and self-compassion, it is possible to rewrite the narrative that RSD has created. I am still on that journey, but at least now, I know what I’m dealing with—and that, in itself, is a victory.
Read more from Gillian Jones-Williams
Gillian Jones-Williams, Emerge Development Consultancy
Gillian Managing Director of Emerge Development Consultancy which she founded 28 years ago. She is a Master Executive Coach working with many CEOs and managing Directors globally. She is also an international speaker and in 2020 was named by f: Entrepreneur as one of the leading UK Female Entrepreneurs in the I also campaign. In 2023 she was named as Leader of the Year by the Women’s Business Club, and has just been named as Business Women of the Decade is the Best Businesswomen awards.
Gillian founded the RISE Women’s Development Programme which is delivered both in the UK and the Middle East, and Saudi and is her absolute passion.
She is also the co-author of How to Create a Coaching Culture, 50 Top Tools for Coaching, and the author of Locked Down but Not Out which is a diary of the first 3 months of the pandemic to raise money for the bereaved families of the NHS workers who died during COVID-19.
Emerge provide specialist support and coaching to individuals who are neurodivergent. If you want to know more about this support of any of our other training and development solutions, please do contact us on 01329 820580 or via info@emergeuk.com.
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