Written by: Mari Carmen Pizarro, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
When it comes to influence, I know that listening well can turn any interaction into a moment of real human connection. And yet, I still find myself tuning out!
Maybe you can relate. Michael P Nichols, Ph.D., and author of The Lost Art of Listening confirms that listening is pretty hard and takes work; he mentions in his book that listening “takes concentration and effort and self-restraint.” Imagine what could change if we listened to the people we really care about in this way. In my journey to discover what makes it so hard to listen, I identified several behaviors that get in the way of this challenging skill.
Top Reasons We Don’t Listen Well
1. We want to give advice. When someone shares a problem, we want to solve the problem and finish the conversation quickly, give advice, boom, move on! End the discomfort. 2. We wantthem tobe OK. When someone is sad, frustrated, or upset, we want any negative emotion they feel to disappear. We say things like, “don’t feel bad” or “just be grateful,” which results in not relieving their feelings but invalidating them. 3. We want to share our experiences. When we hear a story that’s similar to our own, we have a tendency to interrupt and share, which puts our focus on ourselves and not the person we are listening to. 4. We multitask. How many of you have in-person conversations while holding your phone? Or glance at a text at the first beep? I’m guilty too! When this happens, instead of staying present, our attention shifts to things we can only complete later. (Note: When I realized this was an issue for me, I began to eliminate all electronic distractions before engaging in meaningful conversations so that I could pay attention to the person talking. If that’s impossible, I will postpone the conversation and let the person know that I want to wait until I can give them my absolute full attention.) 5. We think we know what the other person is going to say. Have you heard about closeness-communication bias? It happens when we overestimate how well we communicate. A study found that we don’t listen well to those closest to us because we think we know what’s on their minds. We assume we know what the other person is going to say or mean because we know them well. Tips and Tricks for Listening Well
Here are a few additional tips to elevate your listening skills: Know that it’s work! (And that it works.)
The first step toward improving your listening skills is acknowledging that you’re probably not the great listener you think you are. Accepting this will increase your awareness of where you have room to grow.
Increase Your Empathy
I know, super hard. I invite you to acknowledge what the other person is saying with empathy. For example, you can say “I hear you” or “I understand” even if you disagree.
Ask questions before inserting your story or your advice.
Ask questions to invite the other person to say more. Using phrases like“tell me more,” “how do you feel about that,” or “what’s next” can open the door for deep listening while moving the conversation closer to a conclusion.
Get curious
Overcome your closeness-communication bias by slowing down the assumptions and getting curious instead. So the next time you have the urge to interrupt and say, “Yeah, yeah, I know!” or make any assumption, stop and listen. It gets easier as you practice it.
Listen intentionally
Before you start a conversation, take a silent deep breath to indicate to your brain that you are shifting to an important task that requires concentration and your full attention.
Listening is a vital skill that requires us to train ourselves to intentionally focus on the other person. When we elevate these skills and really apply them, the influence we have over the people we serve will naturally elevate as well. This is how we make the shift from human interaction to real human connection.
Mari Carmen Pizarro, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Mari Carmen Pizarro is the Founder of Whole Leadership Systems and Chief Human Resources Officer at Avet Pharmaceuticals, Inc. She is also the creator of The International Women’s Leadership Academy. With over 30 years of experience in leadership and human performance, Mari Carmen is an expert at integrating emotional intelligence with influence and leadership. Mari Carmen is a seasoned Executive Coach, High-Performance instructor, Keynote speaker, and TEDx presenter.
