Written by: Antonio Esposito, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
A simple 4-step process to destroy your limitations.
"No matter what I do, I will always be fat." This firm belief haunted me day and night for more than 25 years, and it has been a long period of my life. I stressed myself with hundreds of unhealthy fad* diets and fitness programs without counting the considerable amount of money spent on everything on the market promising fast weight loss results.
*FAD (Generally, fad diets promise short-term changes with little effort, and thus may lack educating consumers about whole-diet, whole-lifestyle changes necessary for sustainable health benefits – WIKIPEDIA).
Although people saw me as a successful, strong, and very confident person, I was constantly battling with many negative emotions for how I looked physically and felt psychologically toward myself and the world around me.
Food was my best friend and my worst enemy. It was always there, like a good friend, when I needed to comfort myself out of some pain, and it was becoming my worst enemy when I was looking at myself in the mirror.
Despite my effort of being physically and psychologically different, even though sometimes, I was achieving good weight loss results, almost with mathematical precision, I was always going back to where I was. Fat again, with the same, if not worse mental and physical struggles and on top of that, without knowing WHY and HOW it was happening!
I am 46 years old now and looking back, and I can vividly remember the emotional pain of those years. I remember the battles, the tears, and missed opportunities I had because I was afraid of being constantly rejected by others and the pain of feeling a complete failure.
As they say, though: "you have to know the darkness before you can appreciate the light". Today I appreciate the struggles I had to go through in my life, as they are the reasons why I am where I am today. My learnings over the year allow me to share, today, some profound life-changing concepts that might help you save some time and avoid the mistakes I made.
*(Generally, fad diets promise short-term changes with little effort, and thus may lack educating consumers about whole-diet, whole-lifestyle changes necessary for sustainable health benefits – WIKIPEDIA).
THE ABSORBENT MIND
Before the age of seven, we have what Maria Montessori calls the "absorbent mind" – https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Maria_Montessori
The information presented to us as children mostly comes from parents, relatives, peers, teachers, and churches or synagogues we go to. Like a sponge, we absorb information without any filter and, most importantly, without questioning or criticism.
It's the moment in our lives when we start to unconsciously create stories, theories, ideas and explanations about how things are and what they should be like.
Moving forward and throughout our life, through the process of repetitively thinking about those stories, thoughts and ideas and acting upon those, we consolidate the validity of this information to the point that they turn into our inner beliefs.
Beliefs that become even stronger and more stable during the years as we keep collecting more and more supporting references to those beliefs to the point that they become unquestionable. This is the crucial moment when deeply recorded most of our adult life beliefs in our unconscious mind. They become part of our own identity; therefore, they will start to dictate how we think, feel, and behave throughout our lives.
FACTS VS OPINIONS
Before going deep into the core of this topic, let's pause for a moment and let's have a look a the following statements:
Summer follows Spring.
The Rolling Stones were a band.
Snakes are reptiles.
Now, I am pretty sure you agree on the fact that no matter who you are, what's your cultural background, what's your gender, race, or spiritual belief, those statements are unquestionable facts that we and every human being on the planet earth must accept.
All three statements above are proved to be accurate and true and therefore cannot be challenged.
A "fact" can change anybody's opinion, but vice versa is impossible.
Now, let's have a look at the following statements instead:
Spring is the best season of the year.
The Rolling Stones sang great songs.
Snakes are cute.
Although the subjects in the statements are the same, now the sentences only represent someone's personal opinion of the topics. The Cambridge English Dictionary defines "Opinion" as "a view or judgement formed about something, not necessarily based on fact or knowledge."
I can tell you that my favourite season is Winter; although I was born in the 70s, I am not a big fan of The Rolling Stones (sorry about that) and are Snakes cute? Hmmm, not sure about that :-), and those are my personal opinions!
Based on this pretty clear difference between "facts" and "opinions", I will shock you with a piece of information that I want you to remember.
Most of your core beliefs, no matter how strong and unquestionable they feel for you, are nevertheless simply opinions of yourself and the world around you.
THE POWER OF "I AM…."
Let me prove that to you.
Take a minute to complete the following statements, don't overthink.
Just write down the first things that come to your mind.
I AM ............................................(fill the blank)
I AM ............................................(fill the blank)
I AM ............................................(fill the blank)
No matter what you wrote, each of the above statements represents something that looks and feels 100% real for you. Each one of those statements represents a belief you have created about yourself.
If, for example, one of your statements sounds something like:
"I AM….A SHY PERSON", I am very confident to declare that your "shyness" is something unquestionably true for you.
Without a shadow of a doubt, you could prove that with a long list of reasons, episodes and traumatic experiences where your shyness was at full blast. If you think you are a shy person, you must prove to yourself and to others that this is 100% true.
Although "I AM A SHY PERSON" is something you strongly believe in, and you can prove it with all sorts of reasoning, it still remains in the realm of opinions. In a few words, your shyness is NOT a fact.
Take some time to reflect on your past experiences honestly and without being led by your emotional state. You will find many instances where you acted confidently and weren't shy at all.
What's the explanation for that?
The explanation is that your beliefs, especially the limiting ones, are simply assumptions and opinions you've created about yourself, about others and about the world you live in.
Imagine we would treat our beliefs not as unquestionable facts but as mere opinions of who we are; our life would not be the same anymore.
Unfortunately, we do not do that at all! Let's see why and what we can do to change the trend!
THE POWER OF BELIEFS
Paulo Coelho, the author of "The Alchemist", one of my favourite books of all time, says:
"You are what you believe yourself to be."
While in a much older book, you can read:
"For as he thinketh in his heart, so is he." – Proverbs 27:3 KJV
Although those two quotes are written thousands of years apart, the key concept remains the same and certainly is enduring the passing of time.
Everything you do, everything you think and every single good or bad result you've ever had in your life is simply the result of a series of healthy and unhealthy opinions you've (core beliefs) you've consciously or unconsciously stored in your unconscious mind.
Whether you like it or not, what you believe about yourself, your life, and the world you live in, no matter if true or not, is what makes you the person you are, including all the results you're having.
It was a real breakthrough when I first realised my statement, "No matter what I do, I will always be fat", together with many other limiting beliefs I had, were literally dictating my thoughts, feelings, and behaviours in every area of my life.
My identity started to slowly change when I finally began to look for solutions inside myself when I raised my awareness of all the disruptive limiting beliefs I had about myself and the world around me. My identity started to shift when I doubted, challenged and changed those limitations.
Let's find out more about limiting beliefs and how to spot and overcome them!
LIMITING BELIEFS
First of all, Limiting beliefs are learned.
In India, to keep elephants from running away, the trainers tie a metal chain onto a collar around the mighty elephant's leg and connect it to a small wooden peg that's hammered into the ground. The 10-foot tall, 11,000-pound mammal could easily snap the chain, uproot the wooden peg, and escape to freedom.
But it does not do that, and it does not even try. How come?
When the elephant is a baby, his trainers use the same method. A chain tied around the elephant's leg, this time connected to a metal stake on the ground. The chain and peg are too strong for the baby elephant, and he cannot escape. The metal chain would pull him back when he tried, sometimes creating painful, bleeding wounds on his legs.
This experience teaches the baby elephant that it is futile trying to escape. He links the behaviour of trying to flee to the pain on his leg provoked by the chain.
Once he grew up, the giant elephant always remembers the pain he has experienced as a baby. Although he is now just tied with a soft rope and to a ridiculous wooden peg, he stands still.
He vividly remembers his limitations, and he knows that it can only move as much as the chain will allow him to do so. Although that's not true anymore, he could break free anytime at any moment; he still believes he is limited. The experience of the past has created the belief of the present.
Unfortunately, we often act as this elephant. We have tremendous power inside us, but we also have our chains and pegs holding us back from doing what we are capable of and stopping us from achieving what is well within our power.
COMMON LIMITING BELIEFS
According to psychologists, 70% to 80% of our beliefs are harmful, hence self-limiting beliefs. In some way or another, they limit our true potential. They are negative thoughts and mental blocks that we have accepted as fact, and we believe in those even when they are entirely false. They fill our minds with anxiety, fear and worry. They make us survive instead of living the life we deserve. To mention a few:
I am not good enough/I'm not capable
I cannot change/It's just the way it is
I don't' deserve it
I'm too old/too young
Something is wrong with me
I’m shy / lazy / a mess / an idiot ….
I will never be happy again
No one likes me
The world is a dangerous place
This list can be endless, and I am sure you are familiar with one or more of those statements. Indeed, some of them are very familiar to me. Bear in mind that the limiting beliefs I have decided to list are only some of the most common ones, but this is only a tiny tip of the iceberg, as the list could be endless.
WATCH OUT YOUR TONGUE
To give you an idea, try this simple little experiment. During the next couple of days, pay close attention to your language. Be aware of what you say aloud when you speak with other people and speak to yourself in your head. Have a look for words like:
I do/don't
I can't
I must / mustn't
I should / shouldn't
I am/am not
Others are/will
As for the previous examples, whatever word you put after one of the statements above, this generally will highlight a potential limiting belief that is holding you back in one or more areas of your life-limiting you as a person and limiting what you could achieve in terms of goals and dreams if those limitations were not present.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU DO!
Unfortunately, nothing will ever change in your life unless you take the right action toward the change.
Every 1-to-1 coaching I perform with my clients ends with one or more actions they need to take to move forward, change, improve, and achieve what they want to achieve. Remember, in the end, action always beats intentions.
All the concepts you've possibly learned in this article will remain just words in your head that you will soon forget if you don't take immediate action to apply those concepts in your life. And this is NOT an opinion; it's a proven fact!
Below is a 4-step activity that you can implement immediately after reading this article; those steps will help you understand your limitations and then take the action you need to replace what is limiting you with what will empower you!
STEP 1 - AWARENESS
Write the limiting belief down. Play detective and follow your thoughts and emotions to discover the limiting beliefs that hold you back. Put them on paper and stare them in the face! You might note how strong each belief is and what emotions they elicit in you.
STEP 2 - CHALLENGE YOUR "OPINIONS"
Acknowledge that these are opinions, not facts! This is often the hardest step. "But, but, my limitations are real!" Here's the place where choice comes in. Ask yourself with brutal honesty: are you more interested in defending your limitations to death or achieving your goals and desires?
STEP 3 - CREATE NEW "TRUTHS"
Try on a different belief. Use your imagination and try on an idea aligned with what you want. It might be something like, "My financial difficulties in the past have taught me so much that I'm fully prepared to handle them now!" Or, "Now that I've been in an unhealthy relationship, I've learned what to look for in a happy, loving partner!"
You want to step into this new belief and feel how it feels at this stage. Done thoroughly, Steps 2 and 3 will go a long way to dismantling your old limiting decisions.
STEP 4 - ACT UPON THE NEW TRUTH!
Take different actions. This might feel scary, but act as if your new belief is true.
Write your belief(s) on a piece of paper and seal it in an envelope for a week! (THIS IS A VERY IMPORTANT STEP, DO IT!)
Ask yourself: what are the 2 or 3 small, manageable actions I want to take while my limiting belief(s) is sealed in the envelope? Write those actions down on paper and set for each one a time and date of WHEN you're performing those action steps!
Once your actions are done and dusted, sit down and reflect on the experience you had. Elicit all the feelings, the thoughts, the struggles and the success you've achieved by acting as if your limiting belief does not exist!
Keep repeating steps 2 and 3 over and over again as long as you want!
Once you feel ready, take the envelope without opening it and BURN IT literally!
If you repeatedly complete this 4 step process, you and your life won't be the same anymore.
You will finally start to see yourself and the world around you in a different light. Your identity will shift, and you will eventually begin to live a life aligned with who you are from inside-out, in your terms, at your full potential, supported by empowering beliefs.
CONCLUSIONS
Limiting beliefs are the primary source of all your fears and anxieties—the reason why you feel stuck in your life. I call them deadly "mental diseases". However, the excellent news is that they can be "cured".
Unfortunately, many people are not aware of their limiting beliefs and the strong power in their lives. Even if they do, they don't know what to do to challenge and change those limitations, so they feel stuck.
I am not going to lie to you. Working on your belief system is probably the most challenging thing you will have to do in your life, but it-s the most important one. It won't be easy, but it is worth the effort.
Don't be discouraged; you will win the fight with the right attitude, the right effort, and giving enough time to the process. Removing limiting beliefs from your subconscious mind and replacing them with empowering ones is the single most impactful and powerful thing you can do to improve your life.
I did it, and I promise you can do it too!
Peace,
Antonio
If you've enjoyed this article, I would like to know more about your insights and breakthroughs from reading it; then, if you're are up to the challenge of mastering your Emotional Intelligence, bringing your life to the next level; book now a one-to-one 30-minute FREE Consultation with me!
Antonio Esposito, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Antonio is a Life Performance Coach, a Mentor, and an NLP Practitioner certified expert in the field of Emotional Intelligence and Eating Psychology.
Moved to the United Kingdom from Italy in 2006, after enjoying 20+ years of experience in the corporate world as a senior web and graphic designer, Antonio is now the CEO and Founder of TheThinkingMind Coaching Ltd, a United Kingdom-based firm specialising in offering Coaching, Training and Personal Development services.
Antonio's mission is to change the world one person at a time.
Antonio's target is to facilitate the transformation of all those harmful and destructive mental processes by discovering one's inner self.
Through Life Coaching, Personal Development and Behavioural Psychology techniques, Antonio enables individuals to master their Emotional Intelligence and, through a set of empowering, transformative, and life-changing strategies and actions, help, support and motivate people in achieving their most important goals.
Antonio has a unique perspective on personal growth and happiness.
He is recognised for his ability to lead others to maximise their full potential through living a life of purpose, balance and significance.
Since 2017, Antonio is also a member of the prestigious team of Mentors at The Coaching Academy, where he has coached and mentored hundreds of students worldwide to successfully complete their training journey as Professional Certified Life and Executive Business coaches.
