Written by: Eunice Cheung, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Life is a push and pull between having clarity and facing uncertainty. There is beauty in both. Clarity gives you clear direction moving forward which helps ground you psychologically. Uncertainty while scary, can be novel and exciting, which can offer you hope for the future. But you cannot have one excessively or minimally. Because it damages your psyche. The mind is not meant to live in both ends of the spectrum.
Too much or too little?
I remember sitting in an undergraduate abnormal Psychology class years ago and reading a line that stuck with me up until this day.
“Psychopathology comes from having too much or too little of something” ‒ Unknown
It blew my mind.
Let that sit with you for a second. Let it marinate in your mind. Let me know your thoughts in the comments down below.
Life demands a balance
The truth is, you can’t have clarity without uncertainty. Because life demands a balance for everything, that is how our world works.
There are no good times without the bad. You don’t appreciate joy until you’ve experienced despair. You don’t appreciate success until you’ve experienced failure. You don’t appreciate love without heartbreak. You don’t gain anything unless it was meaningful and involved personal sacrifices. Most importantly. You don’t appreciate clarity until you’ve had to live through periods of uncertainty.
So learn to see the big picture of what the good or the bad is trying to teach you as you go through life and the experiences it brings you. Appreciate the beauty of both sides and understand that the in between is actually bliss and peace. Sometimes, comfort, safety and stability is actually the most beautiful part of life. While other times, comfort and safety can destroy you. You just have to be vigilant, curious and critical enough to see it for what it is and question it.
Be aware of society’s conditioning on your psyche
If you think about it, school and society have always told us to what to do and what not to do. In school, we had absolute clarity of where to be, what to do, when to do. After years of schooling, entering the real world, you will realize that none of is offered or given. You have to forge our own path through trial and error, through making mistakes and taking risks, which is where and why most people struggle. Because you are used to the conditioning of certainty that school OFFERED you, to the point that uncertainty becomes an existential threat to you. Uncertainty becomes a threat to your existence, to your psyche, to your sense of worth. That is the issue with our education system and society as a whole.
The takeaway from challenging society’s conditioning
Remember, there is NOT only one way to do things even if you’ve been told this and it has been cemented into your brain. There are multiple ways, explanations, methods, options, solutions to life’s problems. Just because it’s not the “right” way for others, just because they disapprove, just because they judge you, doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
Please remember that.
Don’t let society’s conditioning box you into seeing it was a one way street. Don’t allow yourself to be boxed in.
Get out of the box.
Create your own box, or multiple boxes or a multi-story box. I don’t care. Create your own path and figure out what works for YOU.
My work ss a psychotherapist
I see this struggle all the time, everywhere. Clients coming to me in therapy asking what the “right” way or answer is to life. As I tell them like I tell myself. There are no right or wrong way. Only what makes sense for you and your values and whether it aligns with your goals in life.
I know it’s incredibly frustrating to hear but it’s the truth.
I tell my clients that I am a straight shooter and I don’t like to beat around the bush. This is one thing that makes me great at what I do. Because I aim to educate, inspire and also entertain through relevant banters in the therapy room. I don’t want to just tell you what to do and become a “second school” or be a soundboard.
I want to actually challenge you. I want to offer you insights with relevant examples, analogies and metaphors so it opens your mind to possibilities and new perspectives. I want to be what I needed and wanted and wish I had when I was younger. And I aim to do that everyday with the best of my ability. It’s scary to become your own compass in life but that is the lesson you must learn.
You got this. Believe in yourself. You are more capable than you think.
The danger of a black & white lens
People who see the world in black and white are kidding themselves. I understand the appeal, because everything is pre-set. You don’t have to think, question and find your own answers. But life never works out in that lens. Maybe in fictional books. But to truly live a fulfilling life, you need to learn to identify a middle ground and open your mind to questions.
Identify the gray area, what can co-exist between the black and white.
Don’t close yourself to the black and white world. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t mean to say that to bad mouth anyone. I am simply offering you a perspective to question, to challenge your surroundings, your beliefs, your values. So you can choose for yourself what to do best for you.
How do I know this and why should you Care?
I did my homework and immersed myself in countless books, podcasts, videos, online courses, created by creators who have stepped out that conditioning. I surround and consume it on a daily basis to keep my mind curious and alert on how things can affect my perception, behaviour and thoughts.
This is why I am choosing to devote my life and work to guiding people out of their norm and their conditioning (culture, upbringing, values, beliefs). Just because something is defaulted due to your conditioning, doesn’t mean you can’t get out of it. I am here to tell you it is entirely possible. You just need to find that bravery within yourself and take a leap.
Ambivalence exists in everything
Sometimes the lack of clarity destroys you. Because in moments of distress, we crave for comfort and familiarity.
“Familiarity creates security” ‒ Unknown
Comfort that provides security, stability and safety. And comfort stems from some level of certainty. Unfortunately, we don’t always get comfort when we want and need it. That is when we have to step into uncertainty and embrace it for what it is. Something I learnt from Postgrad is to Learn to trust in the process. Stay in the present moment, the here and now.
Know and recognize that we cannot always have the answer. We can’t always know and predict what is ahead. Because ultimately, that is the beauty of life. With time, clarity will come and shed light on your path.
Life is a constant negotiation between:
What we want vs what we need.
What aligns vs what doesn’t.
What feels right vs what doesn’t.
Food for thought
As Esther Perel says, “We have to continuously integrate contradictory feelings between love & hate, excitement & fear, envy & contempt, boredom & aliveness. Life is about a continuous negotiation between our own contradictions. Living and accepting this is a sign of maturity”.
A post I came across recently,
“Identify the oppressive social systems responsible and dismantle the fuck out of them.” ‒ Unknown
(If I ever had my own kid, I would tell them this on day 1)
That’s it for this newsletter.
I appreciate you being here on this journey with me as I reflect weekly on life’s lessons and wisdom as I go through them. I would love it if you left comments down below to let me know your thoughts and feedback. I am always open to have more in depth discussions about life, personal growth, business and writing. My personal philosophy is to strive to always improve and better myself, even if it’s hard. Thank you. Have a lovely day no matter where you are based.
How I can help you when you are ready :)
If you are interested in understanding how your upbringing has affected you today and how it holds you back in achieving what you want in life, you can book a therapy session with me here.
Don't miss an update and join my Newsletter to unf*** your mind weekly with my practical and reflective insights directly into your inbox here.
Eunice Cheung, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Eunice Cheung is a Psychotherapist. Moving between cities growing up made it difficult for her to fit in with peers which made her question her identity. Since studying Psychology in International Baccalaureate (IB) and in university, she has built her online practice to help others question their limiting self-beliefs and understand the roots of how our conditioning through culture, upbringing can hold us back in life. One of her main focus is on Asian Culture, along with Fear of Failure, Perfectionism, Imposter Syndrome, Relationships & Identity. Eunice is a passionate and ambitious therapist, her mission is to inspire the next generation of Asians to excel, innovate and rise up to their full potential.
