Written by: Carla Barber, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
By now in 2022, I like to think that everyone knows about the importance of consent. Consent is spoken about early in life during sex education in school and the topic of sexual health is the one that jumps to most peoples minds first when the word “consent” is mentioned.
However, consent is no more or less important than other forms of health!
Now, you may be thinking “like what!?” or “come again…” or maybe you’re jumping up and down on your sofa shouting “SOMEONE’S FINALLY GOING TO TALK ABOUT THIS!!!” ‒ tell me I’m not alone here! ‒ so let me fill in some gaps.
With regards to physical health, we get taught that people have boundaries and to touch another person you need their permission. So, why don’t we get taught the same about each others mental and emotional health?!
If someone wants to hug me, yes I expect them to ask my permission in some way ‒ be it arms out waiting for my mirroring, or verbally asking ‒ until I know them. If the new office human flings their arms around me before gaining my permission, I’m not one to feel weird or awkward about it but many people do and it doesn’t mean I wouldn’t have preferred being asked. And importantly it’s also respectful to gain consent first.
In the same vein, if someone wants to give me advice in any way I also expect them to ask first, and so should you. Why? Well, let’s say you’re triggered, feeling low or vulnerable, or in a really great mood and your boss, partner, friend or family member decides to share some advice where they tell you what you should be working on and the way in which to do that? The chances are, if we’re not in a state of mind to receive this information the way it’s intended, we can feel offended, attacked, defensive, judged or any other form of potentially reactive emotion. From here, the conversation usually spirals down rapidly, resentment is formed and the health of the potential or existing relationship is at risk.
Instead, what if they first asked “Can I share some advice based on my experiences?”. Not only does this give us the ability to pause and assess how our mindset is to receive this advice then accept or decline, but it also informs us of the intention behind it.
When we’re emotionally charged, especially if that emotion has been building up for a while, it can be difficult to see that advice of any kind could be coming from a good place. Instead, there’s a much higher chance we’ll take it offensively, personally and critically, and these feelings fester.
Now, of course, we can’t only consider this from one perspective ‒ being the recipient of the consensual or non-consensual advice, opinions, perspectives, guidance, feedback or anything else. We also need to consider being this person. Remember this…
“Only you know what your intentions are”
Read that again…
Regardless of how much we may think we’re helping someone, this isn’t always the case. The best way to ensure our intentions are received as we want them to be, is by becoming as aware as possible of our own actions and other peoples wellbeing. This isn’t to say keep your thoughts to yourself, it’s to say to keep them to yourself until they’re ready to be heard.
When someone is in a state of mind to receive the information you’re passionate to impart, trust me… it will feel much more rewarding because we also then gain a mutually respectful reaction that will likely be uplifting for everyone involved.
This is all about creating a safe space for someone where they can express themselves without feeling judged or worse than they already might. And, the majority of the time we don’t need our thoughts or feelings troubleshooted or a solution found for them, we just need to get them out.
For most people, once we have vented, ranted or been expressive, that alone provides relief therefore any advice is no longer needed. The question we can also ask ourselves in the moment of wanting to be the advice-giver is:
“Why do I feel eager to give this advice?
1. Is it to show off my own knowledge?
2. Is it to prove my value to the person/people?
Or 3. Do I feel this advice will be of benefit to this person/people?”
If our answer is option 1 or 2, even though this can be a hard pill to swallow, the best thing to do is take a deep, deep breath and find another place to impart that information (such as; writing it down).
For example, as a Coach my job is to listen and guide. So, let's say a client has arrived to our session feeling anxious and I start giving advice on what they need to be working on based on my presumption they will benefit from my expertise and experiences (despite the fact as a Coach my job is to guide not advise). The chances are very high they won’t be returning for the next session as I haven’t created a safe space for them and they won’t gain anything from the time we spend together. Plus let’s face it, no one likes being told what to do.
If however, I choose to say “You don’t see yourself, what do you need from me today?”, this instead creates a space for them to pause and make a decision rather than me assuming their thoughts, feelings and needs. The same applies to everyone we choose to have in our lives.
It’s natural for us to want to find solutions for people, especially when they’re hurting so we can help relieve that pain, but most of the time we add to the hurt by adding pressure, information and more stimulation.
So comes to consent, gaining peoples permission before invading their personal space mentally, emotionally, sexually or physically is beneficial for all involved before proceeding. And, ensure the advice, feedback or anything else is wanting to be given for reasons to their benefit, not just our own. Creating this habit will create strong, safe relationships with everyone we know.
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Carla Barber, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Carla Barber is a mindfulness expert who specializes in emotional intelligence, cognitive behaviors, and analytical thinking. After years of feeling restrained by anxiety, depression, and stress, Carla discovered what happens when we create a tool-belt of techniques, ideas, and activities that can help us to become more resilient to what affects us on a personal level. She devotes her time to help people discover how to create their own tool-belts and identify what's been preventing them from stepping into the life they want. Carla's mission is to inspire more kindness, awareness, and acceptance in the world.
