Written by: Tamar Medford, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
I am sure you have heard the saying “Big girls/boys don’t cry” or, “Suck it up buttercup.” Why is it that at a young age we are taught to suppress our emotions? It sets in motion a fear that if we were to show how we feel we are perceived as weak or overly emotional.
In my adolescent years, I felt out of place and awkward. A feeling I think many teenagers experience as they get grow up. Although I had a loving home, I was still one of those kids that did not want to share how I felt in fear that people may not like or accept me. So I sought out other solutions.
I drank because of my inability to handle my emotions. The numbing effect that alcohol and drugs provided never allowed me to identify what I felt and why. Essentially that moment I started to drink was the moment I stopped growing mentally and emotionally. Anytime something terrible happened in my life, all I had to do was drink some of that liquid gold, and for a few moments, all those nasty feelings went away. Dealing with life this way became my go-to for the next twenty-two years.
So I can not help but wonder what would have happened had I been taught emotional intelligence and awareness at a younger age. What if I had been able to identify where my emotions were showing up in my body, and having that knowledge would allow me to pause and express what I was feeling in a healthy manner?
I am sure you can imagine the consequences of what masking your emotions for twenty-two years does to someone. When I decided to get sober, I was terrified. I had no idea how I would handle life because I had taught myself that sucking it up and trying to be strong was healthy. Little did I realize that the emotions I had built up over the years had not gone away, and the flood gates were about to open.
When I first shared how out of control my life was with another person, a strange salty liquid began leaking uncontrollably out of my eyes. I felt awkward and uncomfortable. In fact, from that moment on, it was hard to stop or even control the flow of tears. I had never been so sensitive before, and I felt as though I was that innocent fourteen-year-old girl again. The reality was that I had never learned how to handle my emotions, and so I did what I thought was right. I hide them.
Sobriety taught me that sharing my feelings and having a good cry once in a while was a positive thing, and it was encouraged. Although it took some time, and it is still something I work on today, I have learned that when I identify how I am feeling and move through those emotions rather than suppress them. I can handle myself better, not only personally but also professionally.
How many times have you caught yourself getting upset and reacting in a way that you later wished you had not? Maybe this shows up with your partner? Friends? Or even at work? Has an emotion ever caused you to react in a way that later on you were morbidly embarrassed about?
One of the ways you can start to develop a higher level of emotional intelligence, (also known as EQ) is to develop emotional awareness. Emotional awareness is a simple process in which you focus on one emotion and understand how that emotion shows up in your body.
Sit in a quiet location and close your eyes.
Take some deep breaths and relax.
Think of a time when you felt a specific emotion. (Sad, Angry, Annoyed, Happy, Excited)
Now relive that moment and feel where that emotion shows up in your body. Does it show up in your chest, gut, or maybe even your head? Does your face go red, or does your body start to get hot? Feel and experience it all!
Then take a minute and journal about how it showed up in your body and how it made you feel.
Continue this process with different emotions until you have covered the most common ones you experience.
This knowledge can also come in handy if you are experiencing a so-called negative emotion. For example, if you are about to do a major presentation or speech. Understanding that anxiety or nervousness can show up the same as excitement, you may shift your mindset and tell yourself that you are not nervous but instead, you are excited for what is about to happen. Changing your thinking can change your whole experience and improve your confidence.
Therefore, learning to develop a higher emotional intelligence is the key to unlocking your untapped potential, and for leaders, this is not an optional extra. Sobriety encouraged me to build a strong foundation in my life, and one of the keys was to tap into my EQ. I learned that being able to express how I felt showed courage and strength. Developing a higher EQ has also spared me the embarrassment of flying off the handle due to a comment or situation in which I felt offended, threatened, or hurt. Learning to identify and express how I feel allows me to pause and handle life with more grace.
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Tamar Medford, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tamar Medford is a National Director with Life In Balance Careers, Founder of The Road Forward and host of The Road Beyond Recovery Podcast. Since overcoming a 20-year battle with drugs and alcohol, she has dedicated her life to helping entrepreneurs in recovery master their minds so they can grow their businesses and lead authentically fulfilling lives. Tamar is a Neuro Change Master Practitioner, Performance Consultant and Life Coach and uses evidence-based frameworks to help her clients live purpose-driven lives. She is the author of two Amazon bestselling books, Hope Elevated and Beyond Recovery. Tamar has almost a decade of experience helping individuals in recovery, and she desires to bring more awareness to addiction, recovery, and mental health. Her mission is to help those in recovery create a life so good for themselves that they never want to go back to their old way of living.
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