Written by: Tracey Meredithe McDaniel, Executive Contributor
Executive Contributors at Brainz Magazine are handpicked and invited to contribute because of their knowledge and valuable insight within their area of expertise.
Two letters and so much power behind No! Depending on what, when and why, the usage of 'no' can create a plethora of outcomes. It’s a tool of limitations and barriers but also of protection of values, principles, resources, work life balance or right career path.
So when is it too much or too little?
As with everything else, the extremes are not good. Too much ‘’no’’ is associated with a negative attitude. Too much ‘’yes’’ is associated with not standing up for yourself and incapacity to say ’’no’’. In the first case it can bring rejection, dismissal, hard feelings. In the second one broken promises, loss of respect or exploitation. 'NO' as part of a negative attitude
As negative attitude, ‘’no’’ closes doors, kills conversations and enthusiasm, (same as ‘’but’’ or ‘’however’’), causes misunderstandings and perceived rejection. It is no news that is easier to collaborate with people with an open mind and positive attitude that don’t intentionally bottleneck every proposal or initiative that you have.
This may go back to childhood when parents refuse children’s demands and say ‘’no’’ from a consciousness like role. Rightfully or not, this causes feelings of rejection and frustration that imprint. They later translate in negative attitude towards 'giving' and 'receiving' or biased perceptions about world in general. Saying 'no' can become exhausting and career limiting if it derives from the human instinct that others are wrong. Whether we like it or not, society encourages positive behaviors and positivity is also the basis for growth and progress.
What to do when your life has too much negativity?
Well, to start with, the first clue is that probably you don’t have a good level of satisfaction in one area of your life. Be it your job, your friends, your love life or yourself. Then, you may wish to ask some feedback around you. Your friends, family, colleagues, might be able to give you some hints if there is something to worry about or not. Thirdly, should you find that you need some help, you can either choose to work on your own, observe yourself throughout the day and see what defaults and triggers you have for your negativity.
Or choose a coach, therapist or mentor to help. Either way, sooner or later, you may find out that is a deep pattern coming from your childhood which takes a change in perception; or that you simply need to make some life changes related to your job, place or choice of friends to leverage your positivity.
Incapacity to say 'NO'
The opposite case exists as well. When fear of rejection overtakes and aim is to be nice and accommodating, people say ‘’yes’’ when in fact they mean or would of wanted to say ‘’no’’. This later translates in broken promises, loss of respect and putting self at the bottom of the list, with negative long term results.
Incapacity of saying ‘’no’’ is also often met in the business environment. It results in overloading, demotivation and frustration and eventually poor performance if not identified and remediated in due time.
What to do when you tend to say 'yes' all the time?
Consistent self-observation will help in this case as well. Watching yourself to identify what type of assumptions, thoughts, felt pressures make you say ‘’yes’’ will give you lots of insights. Depending on the causes, you may find it easier to practice changing this habit. Instead of giving your answer straight ahead, a good practice is to make a pause and ask for some time to think about it. You may then choose a nice formula of refusal, such as ''I would prefer not to'', or ''it would be better for me to'' or make a reference to already made commitments.
Neither of the above described 2 cases is ideal. They both result in limitations and stagnation, image and reputation loss and long term dissatisfaction. Through self-observation or external guidance such as coaching you may reach better awareness. This will allow better assessment of situations, triggers, spoton negative or positive responses and possible consequences before actually providing the answer.
Many times ‘’no ‘’ translates in non-acceptance or rejection and can be detrimental to relationships and jobs, there are times when this is totally appropriate and protective of core values and integrity. It is a matter of correctly assessing the circumstances and not giving in to false perceptions.
Explore these steps to setting and carrying out a boundary.
1. Know Yourself
When setting a boundary, explore what is happening within you. Are you feeling run over, disrespected, taken advantage of? Investigate what is coming up for you around your partner’s action. Explore what is important to you in setting the boundary.
Know what action you are willing to take to back yourself up. Is this a deal breaker? Or is it an annoyance? Know where you stand. Make decisions about the action you are willing to take when you are calm and grounded, not when you’re upset.
I suggest you recruit the support of some trusted friends to help you sort out your feelings, where you stand, and what action are willing to take.
2. Be Clear
When setting a boundary, you need to be very clear with your words (how you communicate your boundary) and with your intentions (what you plan to do if your partner does not honor you boundary).
3. Give Them a Chance
This is the easy part and where many people stop. After you’ve communicated the boundary, the hope is, your partner will take it literally, honor it, and that is the end of the story. If this is the case, then yay! Give your partner some positive feedback and move along. If not, promptly move on to the next step and take the action.
4. Take Action
This is the hard part and where the rubber meets the road. The action you decided to take in step one and communicated in step two, needs to happen now. Taking this step empowers you. Not taking this step dis-empowers you. This is the “how to” behind the fun phrase, “You teach people how to treat you.” This step moves you out of being a victim in the relationship.
5. Get Support
Taking the action is not easy and can bring up a lot of self-doubt, especially if you’re not use to standing up for yourself in a relationship. Have some trusted folks standing on the side line ready to cheer you on and give you support.
Tracey McDaniel has spent the last 28 years assisting others with what is "blocking" them from living their best life. Her intuitive, empathic, highly developed skills, gives her the necessary tools to guide others into a great understanding of personal recognition and personal empowerment.
Tracey's insightful perspective and emotional intelligence lead to her to filling the role of a relationship coach. With previous work experience as a psychotherapist and previous educational experience in Counseling, Social Work and Human Resources, her coaching style is a mix of an objective perspective and compassionate understanding.
With years of experience as a psychotherapist, life coach, motivational speaker, Tracey has a wealth of knowledge on effective communication and strives to share the insight she's gained and information she's gathered with as many clients as possible. She puts an emphasis on personal empowerment and supports her clients as they grow into the best versions of themselves. She has previous experience as an Associate Professor and has taught numerous courses in the areas of psychology and human services. She has worked in an array of areas within the human services arena to include but not limited to substance abuse treatment, individual and family therapy, child welfare, adult protective services, program development, as well as investigative/research analysis. She is the author of the book, “The True Heart of the Matter: A Guide for Those Considering Marriage. She is the founder of the “True Heart of the Matter Premarital Bliss Intensive.
Tracey McDaniel earned a Bachelor of Science degree in Social Work from South Carolina State University. She furthered her education by obtaining a Master of Arts degree in Counseling from Webster University. She also earned a Master of Arts degree in Human Resource Management from Webster University. She pursued a PhD(ABD) in Human Services from Capella University.
She is the Founder of Pathways to Positive Living, LLC, which is a private practice psychotherapy organization that specializes in working with individuals dealing with trauma, depression, anxiety, etc.
She is also the founder of Meredithe McDaniel Coaching, LLC. This is an organization that specializes in working with high achieving women. As a Licensed Professional Counselor and Certified Stress Management Professional, Human Resource Professional, and Certified Life Coach she has worked with many women who have been assisted in overcoming obstacles so that they can live out their dreams. She has been working with amazing women like you for the past 28 years. Through one-on-one coaching sessions, online programs, video conferences, and written content, she has been fortunate enough to connect with unbelievable females.
Additionally, as a human resource management professional, Tracey provides business coaching and consulting services to small business startups that include topics not limited to leadership development, executive coaching, effective communication, conflict resolution, employee relations, etc.
She is also the founder and CEO of Meredithe McDaniel Speaks and Events, LLC. As an event planner and coordinator, Tracey helps individuals in the development of a clear vision of what they would like to accomplish and execute the vision into reality. She specializes in weddings and other social and corporate events. She is also a Certified Notary Public that provide notary services for individuals throughout the state.
Book a complimentary consultation call: https://www.calendly.com/meredithemcdanielcoaching
Tracey Meredithe McDaniel, Executive Contributor Brainz Magazine
Tracey McDaniel has spent the last 28 years assisting others with what is "blocking" them from living their best life. Her intuitive, empathic, highly developed skills, gives her the necessary tools to guide others into a great understanding of personal recognition and personal empowerment. Tracey's insightful perspective and emotional intelligence lead to her to filling the role of a relationship and empowerment coach. With previous work experience as a psychotherapist and previous educational experience in Counseling, Social Work and Human Resources, her coaching style is a mix of an objective perspective and compassionate understanding.
